A Guide to Navigating the Joys and Challenges of Being A Grandparent Today

One thing many grandparents overlook in their excitement over becoming a grandparent is how it changes the relationship with their adult children. The rules and habits of decades must be entirely re-shaped—sometimes quite suddenly. If there is any tension in the relationship, this change can amplify it.

Unconditional Love is a must read for all grandparents who want to ensure they are tending to the relationship with their grandchild’s parents.  It will help you understand the complicated family dimensions that are created when a new baby arrives.  Whether you have a strong and wonderful relationship with your child and their partner or not, Isay provides solid advice for forming the bond you wish to form with your grandchildren.
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Her acknowledgement of the conflicts, problems and politics of family life provides a framework for creating a healthy relationship with your grandchildren and their parents. Through interviews, research and her own experience, Isay provides plenty of food for thought for anyone who wants to make the most of being a grandparent.

If you are just starting your grandparent journey, or are a veteran grandparent who is experiencing any tension in your relationship with your adult children, this book is a must-read. You can likely find a copy at your local library, but it’s well worth buying, as it will be a useful reference in the years to come.

Purchase a copy now from Amazon.
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Choosing a grandmother or grandfather nickname is just the first step in establishing a healthy habit of respect and communication between parents and grandparents.

It took me by surprise when one of my readers admitted that she hated the grandma nickname her daughter-in-law had chosen for her. She shared that she was afraid to rock the boat, so she just accepted it despite her discomfort.

I was so sad for her: sad that she should feel so powerless in something so personal. And I was a little confused, too. Was it common for the parent’s to choose the grandparent’s nickname? I thought that part of the fun of becoming a grandparent was figuring out what you wanted to be called!

So I did a little poll and discovered that over 10% of the grandparents who responded have a name that the parents chose. Luckily, most of them are fine with it.

One follower, Andrea, said she had some input, suggesting a name she liked but letting the parents make the final choice.

Christie said her grandchild’s parents gave her a few options, and once the baby started talking, they agreed on the right name. “I just did not want Meemaw, that was my only rule!”

In both of these cases, though the grandmothers didn’t make the final choice, they were included in the decision process. That wasn’t how it happened with Connie, who was told that the baby would call her…Connie. She was crushed not to be allowed to be called Nana, as she’d always imagined. She was also more than a little taken aback by the idea of being called her first name by her grandchild.

Most parents, however, feel it’s up to the grandparents to choose—with the possibility of parental veto if it makes them uncomfortable. Parents have told stories about grandmothers who want to be called Momma, or who choose a name they feel is ridiculous and then get upset when they refuse to use it. One parent said the name her father-in-law wanted to be called was the name of her own grandfather, with whom she had a complicated and unpleasant relationship. Her father-in-law was more than happy to choose a name without any negative baggage.

Like everything else, the only time it is a problem is when parents or grandparents don’t feel they can talk to one another about the subject. Connie was afraid that if she kicked up a fuss, her daughter-in-law would cut her off before the baby even arrived. One new mom said her own mother insists on a name she finds so silly that she’s never been able to bring herself to say it out loud. Instead of having a conversation together, both of these families have defaulted to “Don’t talk about it (and maybe it will go away).”

Choosing a grandmother or grandfather nickname is just the first step in establishing a healthy habit of respect and communication between parents and grandparents. Smart grandparents will say, “I’d like to be called ______, but I’d like to know what you think.” And smart parents will ask the grandparents what they’d like to be called.

If you are still trying to find the perfect nickname, have you downloaded our list of 242 Grandmother Names? It’s got lots of ideas, plus tips on finding the right one for you!

For what it’s worth, I completely agree with the mom who vetoed “Momma”, but I’m less sure about vetoing a name just because you think it’s ridiculous. What do you think? Let me know in the comments!

“To be purposeful is to be focused and intentional in your grandparenting. You are clear about what you are trying to contribute to your grandchildren’s happiness and how you hope to be useful to them and their parents.”

M. Winston Egan and Linda Egan, authors of  
Grandparenting on Purpose: Fresh Ideas, Activities and Traditions for Connecting with Grandchildren Near and Far

The Egans could be considered professional grandparents, with 22 grandchildren when their book was published, and they confess that they are a little “over the top” in their grandparenting. It is clearly a calling of the highest priority in this season of their lives, and this book is proof of their dedication to that calling. Grandparenting on Purpose is packed with ideas for connecting, and connecting genuinely and deeply. While not everyone is prepared to list grandparent as their primary job title, the Egans have much to teach those who may be more casual in their approach.

Grandparenting on Purpose will be especially helpful for those with older grandchildren. For example, the chapter entitled “Discovering the Needs of Your Grandchildren and Parents” has excellent ideas for connecting, but most really apply to children of school age and above. New grandparents will find plenty of inspiration for the years to come, but perhaps less that they can immediately apply.

Other chapters are dedicated to traditions, routines, and family themes, with in-depth explanations of the Egans’ own family’s practices. Peppered with feedback from their grandchildren, it’s clear that the traditions and activities they’ve initiated over the years have had a positive impact on their family. As they share what has worked for them, they also provide suggestion for implementing their ideas with your children and grandchildren. Each chapter ends with prompts for you to reflect and record, helping you to organize your thoughts and decide how to apply what you’ve read to your own family.

Grandparenting on Purpose has a distinctly Christian perspective, with occasional references to prayer and faith throughout the book. Some readers may find that is foreign to their own family experience. However, if you are looking for ideas for sharing your faith with your grandchildren, the chapter on building spirituality can be applied to any faith.

If you’ve created a Grand Plan through New Grandparent Essentials, and your intention is to be a fully-present influence on your grandchild’s life, Grandparenting on Purpose should be on your shelf to refer to in the years to come. (And if you haven't yet taken time to reflect on what your goals as a grandparent are, there's no better time than now!)

Order a copy of Grandparenting on Purpose from Amazon.
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​Play your part in setting and keeping grandparent boundaries

When her first grandbaby was born, Jackie was thrilled to be close enough to help out. Her daughter, Lizzie, was thrilled, too. Having mom around to help with laundry, soothe the baby and keep the family fed was a godsend.

Until it wasn’t.

One day, when Jackie stopped by, Lizzie had just gotten the baby to sleep and was looking forward to some time alone. Instead, she found herself listening to her mom’s cheerful chatter until the baby woke up. Because she was so grateful for the help she’d been getting, she found it hard to tell her mother that she needed some space now.

Jackie’s visits continued as the baby grew, often coming at inconvenient times. The more time that went by, the harder it was for Lizzie to speak up. One day, she snapped at Jackie, who had no idea what the problem was. Unkind words passed between them, causing the first rift they’d experienced since Lizzie was a teen. After days of struggling with hurt feelings, they finally sat down together to talk about boundaries.​

Boundaries around visits and helping will look different in every family. Where some new parents will want their entire extended family at the birth, others want no visitors for a month. Some parents want to do everything with minimal help, while others welcome all the hands and laps they can get.

While many parents are clear about the boundaries they need to keep, others have trouble speaking up to grandparents. Worse, some grandparents don’t respect boundaries even if parents spell them out.  

Boundaries are the cornerstone of a healthy parent-grandparent relationship. No matter what the new parents have communicated, here are some tips for new grandparents that will make sure you are a welcome visitor.​

Don’t show up unannounced. Even if you’ve been in the habit of dropping in on your son and daughter-in-law in the past, now is the time to stop. Always call or text to see when or if a visit is welcome, and be willing to accommodate their schedule. While it may be frustrating that you can’t stop by after work, supporting new parents often means putting their needs and desires ahead of your own.  

Come to an agreement in advance, and check in regularly to see if it’s working. Before the baby is even born, talk to parents about how involved they’d like you to be. So often, tensions rise because a grandparent’s expectations differ from a parent’s. Misunderstandings can be avoided by discussing some of the common areas of disagreement. New Grandparent Essentials includes an entire section to help facilitate your discussion, with conversation starters and advice on establishing a supportive partnership with parents.

Respect new parents’ need for time alone. New parents need time alone, and time alone together. If the baby is sleeping when you arrive for a planned visit, ask if you should come back another time. This can be tricky if you are visiting to help with a new baby, but make sure you give new parents time without your presence. Make a grocery run, take a long walk after dinner, or go hang out at the library. Even if your visit is short, you are more likely to be invited back if you respect their space.

Remember you are not a co-parent. With a few exceptions, grandparents are experienced parents, and they are eager to share their expertise. Sometimes the son- or daughter-in-law feels sidelined by a grandmother who takes on the role of co-parent. Especially if it’s your daughter who has had a baby, make sure you aren’t crowding out her partner in your eagerness to help. Step back and let them figure it out together.

Respect privacy. While this is your grandbaby, there will still be parts of its life that will be off limits to you. Let parents take the lead in what they want to share, and how much they want to integrate you into their home. Nursing mothers may not want an audience, and some parents don’t want you taking photos of the baby being bathed. Be sensitive to their wishes.

Being a grandparent is a supporting role, and that means you will often be watching the star of the show from the wings. The best way to avoid real-life drama is to know when it’s your turn on stage, and when the director wants you to fade into the background.
  
Read more about boundaries:

• Blurry Boundaries?
• Grandparent Burnout
• Are You Driving Your Kids Crazy?             

Six popular books about body image that my grandchildren and I all loved—and one we didn’t

Books can be highly beneficial in helping our grandchildren feel good about their bodies. Lists of books about body image abound, but we were looking for ones that had positive messages and were fun to read. Here are our top picks:
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I Like Me!  by Nancy Carlson focuses on self-acceptance. The simple, colorful pictures held my grandchildren’s attention, and the message was clear enough for the toddler in the group. I’d rate this as the top book in the category of body positivity for children from 1-3 years-old.

Order it now on Amazon.

​What I Like About Me! By Allia Zobel-Nolan, illustrated by Miki Sakamoto, celebrates the differences among us, like freckles and big ears, curly hair and unibrows. It ends with a mirror and the words “What is it you like best about YOU?” This was the book that the 4-year-old requested I have next time she visits, though I'm pretty sure it was mostly because of the mirror. 

​Order it now on Amazon.

Rot, the Cutest in the World! By Ben Clanton shares the message that being cute is in the eye of the beholder. The humor delighted the 6-year-old, while the 2- & 4-year-olds liked the actual cute animals in the book more than Rot, the mutant potato who won the cuteness contest. Does this mean they missed the message?

​Order it now on Amazon.

I Am Enough by Grace Byers, illustrated by Keturah A. Bobo. 
This one was pleasing to read out loud—it’s a lovely, lyrical poem about all the things a child is capable of doing and being. The language and pictures captivated all of the children, but none of them picked it as their favorite. Still, it's powerful in its depiction of children of every size, shape and color.  

​Order it now on Amazon.

Rock What Ya Got by Samantha Berger, illustrated by Kerascoët, was another book with rhyming verse. It was fun to read because of the peppy beat and positive message, and the kids wanted to pour over the pictures. The message, that instead of changing you should embrace what you already are, could be lost on the youngest kids; I’d recommend it for those five and up. 

Order it now on Amazon.

Abigail the Whale by Davide Cali, illustrated by Sonja Bougaeva, was definitely our favorite. Unlike most the other books in this category, Abigail the Whale actually tells a story.  The message is still clear: there’s power in your mindset, and it can help you celebrate your differences, overcome your fears, and protect you from the hurtful words of others. The pictures are simply beautiful, and the story is engaging enough to warrant a request to hear it twice in a row. 
Order it now on Amazon.

Freckleface Strawberry by Julianne Moore, illustrated by LeUyen Pham, is included on every body positivity list I found. I respectfully disagree with them all, and here’s why:

The main character, who has red hair “and something worse…FRECKLES!” hates her freckles because everyone teases her about them. The main message of the book is that even though she has these bad freckles, people still like her and she grows up and is able to find happiness. Rather than sending a positive message about freckles, the book makes it clear that they are a trial that can be overcome. The only message she gets from an adult in the book is that maybe her freckles will go away when she’s older.

As someone who was also called “Freckleface Strawberry”, I would have hated to read this as a child and discover that I was supposed to hope they went away. Instead, at roughly the same age as the character in the book, I encountered an adult who told me, “A face without freckles is like a sky without stars.” He made me feel like they were something special, and I've never wished them away. 

Let's share books with our children that make them feel good about themselves! And if you missed our post about What Grandparents Need to Know About Body Image, go read it now!

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The last time her mother visited, Denise found herself consoling her 7-year-old son over something she’d never expected.

“He was in his room crying, and I asked him what was wrong,” she told a friend. “He said he didn’t want to be fat. I had to run through the morning’s conversation in my head before I realized that Grandma had said he was getting a little chubby. I’m pretty sure she had no idea how much her off-hand remark affected him.”

After assuring her son that his body was just the right size to be strong, healthy and able, Denise had a little chat with her mother. And then asked me to have a little chat with all of you about body image! 
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​Body image is how your grandchild feels about his or her body. Positive or negative, that image starts to form at a very early age—as young as three years old, according to some researchers. In the early years, the messages they get from the people around them have the most impact on how they view their bodies. Too many comments about their size, weight, or appearance can cause them to base their self-worth on their bodies instead of their abilities. 

Poor body image has been linked to low self-esteem, higher chances of anxiety or depression, and eating disorders. In the US, 40-60% of girls ages 6-12 are concerned about their weight or about becoming too fat. (Smolak, 2011). Over half of 11-16 year olds in UK say they often worry about the way they look. In other words, it’s crucial to make sure they get the right messages in those formative early years. This means what grandparents say matters—a lot. 

As children get older, media, social media and peers all have a strong influence on their self-image. Setting a foundation before your grandchildren are exposed to those messages will help protect them when they encounter societal pressure.

Help Kids Feel Confident
Encourage your grandchildren to focus on what their bodies can do, not how they look. This will likely take some practice on your part. We are used to saying things like, “You have such pretty hair!” or “Let me kiss those chubby cheeks!”. Frequent comments on appearance, both positive and negative, create the impression that appearance is extremely important. The first step is to be aware of your own behavior. Pay attention to how often you comment on:

• Hair length, color, curliness, etc.
• Height
• Weight
• How much they eat
• How they look

The things you compliment them on are the things they will think are important about themselves.  Try to shift your compliments to things like “I love the way you make your baby sister laugh” or “Thank you for putting all the books away so quickly.”

Be A Good Role Model
You can be a positive role model by taking care of your own body, and enjoying what it can do. If you have physical limitations, help your grandchildren understand that they don’t define you. Focusing on your abilities will show them that a person is more than their appearance.
Don’t shy away from being photographed, which sends the signal that you don’t like the way you look. Instead, get in that photo with your grandchild!
Don’t put yourself down. Your grandchildren don’t see your wrinkles or thick ankles as negative unless you grumble about them.

Watch What You Say
In our weight-conscious society, unguarded comments about ourselves or others often send the message that thin is the ultimate goal. Avoid observations like these:

• remarking on someone’s weight loss (or gain)
• saying you can’t eat something or you’ll get fat
• declaring you will have to exercise extra to work off your meal
• talking about exercising to lose weight

 
Talk About It
If you hear your grandchild making negative comments about their bodies (or other people’s), see it as a teaching moment. Instead of dismissing their concerns about their bodies, ask them to talk to you. If they say unkind things about another child’s body shape or size, talk to them about why that might be hurtful and help them recognize that child’s positive attributes. There are several quality books for young children about body image--read about our favorites here.

One of the joys of being a grandparent is having a positive impact on our growing grandchildren. Now that you know how much impact your comments can make, what will you do differently? 
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What your pregnant daughter-in-law wants to tell you. 

You’re probably thinking about what your role as a grandmother will be. You might be wondering how this baby will affect your relationship, especially if you aren’t close. Or you might be searching for the best gift for your pregnant daughter-in-law and son.

Whatever brought you here, I promise your daughter-in-law is glad you found this post. In fact, the best gift for an expecting daughter-in-law might be reading it.

Here’s what she would tell you if she felt she could.
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So, future grandmother, what do you think? Are you ready to be the supportive grandparent who follows parents’ lead? You can get a jump on it by buying New Grandparent Essentials for yourself!
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What gifts do new parents really want? While all those adorable baby clothes and packages of diapers are handy, what new parents really need may be something else entirely. We went straight to the source—new parents—to find out what gifts new parents will actually appreciate. 

Meals for New Parents

​Their answers made one thing clear: they want food. While new parents mentioned many gifts that were appreciated, meals kept coming up again and again. Freezer meals, meal trains, gift cards for restaurants, meals from a local grocery store—these were all suggestions. One mom added that she was especially grateful for meals that were dropped off without her having to interact with anyone! We’ve got a whole blog post with suggestions for how grandparents can help new parents with meals over here.

Other parents mentioned nutritious snacks as being a welcome gift. Think of things that are easy to grab from the fridge, like pre-portioned veggies and hummus or apples and nut butter. Nursing parents are also grateful for snacks that can be kept by the bed and eaten with one hand, like dried chickpeas, nuts or trail mix, and fruit like grapes or apples. Make up some pretty jars with quick snacks, and drop them off without making the new parents come to the door.

The Best Gifts for New Parents on Amazon

There were also certain gifts that new parents felt were lifesavers. More than one parent mentioned the Haakaa manual breast pump. This simple item is under $15 at Amazon, but has over 52,000 five-star reviews. For just over $25, you can get a model that includes a lid and base, something nursing parents will appreciate. 

​Another inexpensive gift that new parents will appreciate is super-soft bamboo washcloths. One mom said she now uses them herself after receiving them for her baby! This set of 6 bamboo washcloths at Amazon comes in a variety of colors, and is currently under $15.

There were also three new parent gifts on the pricier end that came up in our informal poll. One was the Hatch, a combination sound machine/nightlight/audio monitor. It also includes a time-to-wake feature, which will come in handy when that new baby is a toddler. The Hatch is under $100 on Amazon, and there’s currently a coupon that brings the prices down to $79.99.

Going up in price, the Keekaroo Peanut changing pad has raving fans. I’ll be honest, I have trouble believing that a changing pad can be worth $140, but the parents who have one will tell you it absolutely is. Check out the reviews on Amazon.
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The most expensive gift for new parents that made our list is the SlumberPod. This portable blackout tent pops over a portable crib, creating a dark, enclosed sleep space for baby when sharing a room or traveling. The $175 price tag is steep, but think of it as giving new parents extra hours of sleep. You can’t put a price tag on that! Find it on Amazon, too.

The Gift of Helping Hands

If expensive gifts are not in your budget, don’t fear. There are some gifts new parents will actually appreciate that cost nothing but your time. Helping hands are almost always appreciated, as long as they don’t come with unwanted advice or criticism. One new mom mentioned how much she appreciated someone taking care of their dog when the baby was born. Another said her parents came to help take care of her, understanding that she could take care of the baby. Both of these are things we’ve mentioned before, and you can find more ideas by reading 10 Ways to Help New Parents.

Thoughtful gifts are one way to build a trusting, supportive relationship. Grandparents will earn a lot of brownie points if they choose a gift that new parents will really appreciate. Even new parents who have everything can use some help or a meal!

Do you have other suggestions for gifts new parents really want? Leave them in the comments!

More ways to support new parents:

• 10 Ways to Help New Parents
• How Grandparents Can Help New Parents with Meals
• What Parents Wish Grandparents Knew

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