Being the Best Grandparent Starts Now: A Guide to Postpartum Support
New and expectant grandparents: Did you know that how you show up during the postpartum period can shape your relationship with your grandchildren for years to come? Discover what truly helps during those early weeks - and what doesn't. Learn how to be the supportive grandparent your family needs while respecting important boundaries.
Stephanie clearly remembers the first week of being a grandparent. "Those first days after my grandson was born were so magical! I was so in love with this new creature! I stopped by to see the baby after work every day and just gazed at him until I finally had to leave so Grandpa and I could have dinner. I wanted to be the best grandparent ever."
Stephanie's daughter, Chelsea, remembers it clearly, too. Unfortunately, magical is not how she describes it. "Mom dropped by every afternoon wanting to see the baby. No matter what I said, she didn't seem to understand that I needed her to be my mom! She never once offered to do anything but hold the baby. I still haven't quite forgiven her for being so oblivious to what I needed."
Chelsea is not alone. Young mothers tell us all the time that the way they were treated during the postpartum period has had a lasting effect on their relationship the grandparents in their child's life. Simply put: mothers do not forget how you treat them immediately after the birth of their baby.
What parents really need from grandparents postpartum
Grandparents often don't realize that those early weeks set the tone for your entire relationship with both parents and grandchildren. When you focus solely on your own desire to bond with the new baby without considering the parents' needs, you inadvertently send a powerful message: your wants come before their needs. This creates a foundation of distrust that can be difficult to repair.
Social media and Reddit threads make it clear that many new parents feel unsupported by extended family during the postpartum period. And today's parents are increasingly willing to establish firm boundaries with family members who don't respect their needs – sometimes going as far as limiting or cutting off contact.
Sarah, a mother of two, explains: "My mother-in-law showed up unannounced every day for two weeks after my first child was born. She would hold the baby while I struggled to prepare lunch for her. I was recovering from a C-section and barely holding it together. When we tried to talk to her about it, she got defensive and said we were keeping her grandchild from her. That was three years ago, and we still haven't found our way back to a comfortable relationship."
Building trust through supportive grandparenting
The flip side is equally powerful. When you show up as a supportive presence during the vulnerable postpartum period, you lay the groundwork for a relationship built on mutual respect and trust.
Mario, a father of twins, shares: "My dad surprised us all. He came over twice a week with groceries, did our laundry, and cleaned the bathroom. He'd hold a baby if we needed a break, but he was focused on supporting us as parents. That was five years ago, and now he and my children have the most incredible bond. I think it's because from day one, we knew we could trust him to respect our role as parents."
When parents know they can count on you to support them, they're more likely to welcome your involvement and value your relationship with their children. It may be counterintuitive, but it’s true: the less you focus on bonding with the baby, the more naturally that bond will develop over time.
Why supporting new parents is essential for grandparent relationships
To be the best grandparent possible, you must first be the best parent to your adult child during this major life transition. The parent-child relationship is the foundation upon which all other family relationships are built. When you honor and support that primary bond, you secure your own place in the family system.
Trust is the currency of family relationships. Each time you respect a boundary, follow a parent's request, or offer help without being asked, you make a deposit in that trust account. And when the trust account is full, parents naturally want to include you in their children's lives.
As one grandmother wisely put it: "I realized that my job was no longer to parent my daughter, but to show up for her as she raised her daughter. The more I supported her as a mother, the closer I got to both her and my granddaughter.”
Postpartum boundaries: What grandparents should avoid
The postpartum period is not the time to assert your rights as a grandparent. Instead, focus on being helpful and respectful. Here are some behaviors to avoid:
Don't show up at the hospital uninvited. This is an incredibly intimate time for the new family. Wait to be explicitly invited, and respect the parents' wishes about when they're ready for visitors.
Don't drop by the home uninvited. Always call or text first, and respect it if parents say it's not a good time.
Don't spend the whole visit holding the baby. Parents need practical help more than they need a baby-holder.
Don't ignore parent requests about hand washing, kissing the baby, or other safety concerns. These aren't just preferences; they protect the baby's health.
Don't expect parents to host you. If they're providing you with food or drinks, you're doing it wrong.
Don't complain about missing the birth or not being called immediately. This puts your feelings above their experience.
Don't offer unsolicited advice or criticize their parenting choices. Your adult children are parenting in a different world, and they are making the choices that are right for them.
Don't take photos without permission or share them on social media without explicit consent.
Helpful grandparent actions in the postpartum period
Instead of focusing on maximizing your baby time, concentrate on ways you can genuinely support the new family:
Do send or bring food that can be easily reheated or eaten with one hand.
Do offer specific help rather than asking "what can I do?" Try: "Would it be helpful if I did some laundry while I'm here?" or "Would you like me to take the dog for a walk?"
Do respect the parents' schedule for feeding and sleeping. Follow their lead on all baby care.
Do create space for bonding between the parents and baby. Step back when needed.
Do validate their parenting choices, even if they differ from the way you raised your children.
Do take care of the parents by ensuring they're eating, hydrating, and getting rest.
Do offer to watch the baby so parents can shower, nap, or just have a quiet moment alone together.
Do be ready to leave when parents seem tired or overwhelmed, even if your visit has been brief.
Find more ways to help new parents in 10 Ways to Help New Parents.
Creating a stronger family bond: A grandmother's story
Two years after her grandson's birth, Stephanie started following More Than Grand on Instagram and realized what a mistake she’d made. "I was horrified when I realized how I'd behaved," she admits. " I was so focused on being the best grandparent I could be that I completely missed what my daughter needed from me."
Stephanie had a heart-to-heart conversation with Chelsea, apologizing for her lack of awareness. When Chelsea's second child was born, Stephanie approached things differently.
"I asked Chelsea what would be most helpful, and she asked if I could come once a week for a full day to help with my grandson while she bonded with the new baby. I brought meals, did chores, and focused on making things easier for both parents. The relationship between us is so much stronger now, and I actually feel more connected to both my grandchildren."
The postpartum period is your first opportunity to demonstrate that you understand your new role in the family. By prioritizing the needs of the parents, you show that you can be trusted to respect their position as the primary decision-makers for their children. This foundation of trust and respect will serve you well throughout your grandparenting journey.
Want to learn more about building strong relationships with your adult children and grandchildren? Check out New Grandparent Essentials, a comprehensive guide for grandparents who want to navigate their new role with confidence and grace.
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