Daughter-in-Law Problems? What Grandparents Can Do
Struggling with your daughter-in-law? You're not alone. Learn why making the first move toward a better relationship may be the most important gift you can give your family.
Felicia was excited about having her first baby, but there was something that dampened her enthusiasm: her mother-in-law. “She can’t stop talking about being a grandmother. But she’s never made any effort to get to know me, and I feel like I’m just an incubator for her grandchild.”
Felicia’s not the only young mother who feels overlooked by her mother-in-law when a baby is on the way. Many grandmothers don’t take the time to nurture a relationship with their daughter-in-law until she becomes pregnant. Even then, some put all their focus on the baby instead of trying to create a genuine connection with the baby’s mother. This most often builds resentment instead of a relationship.
Why daughter-in-law relationships matter for grandparents
If you have trouble relating to your daughter-in-law, you aren’t alone. Mother-in-law vs. daughter-in-law stories abound on parenting forums and social media feeds. Both sides share horror stories of insults, outrages and lack of respect. You don’t have to have horror stories to share to wish that you had a better relationship with the mother of your grandchildren.
You may feel as if you’ve never connected. You may feel you’ve been bending over backwards, with nothing to show for your efforts. Or you have no idea why she seems to resent you. She may be cold towards you, or even openly hostile. Or maybe you just don’t like the way she treats your son. Maybe she just complains all the time, and you can’t handle being around her for long.
Your daughter-in-law may seem like someone you’d never choose to have in your life. But if she is about to have your grandchild, she will always be a part of your family.
How daughter-in-law tensions affect your grandparent experience
A strained relationship with your daughter-in-law will make family gatherings unpleasant and make it harder to create the relationship you want with your grandchildren. It may even make your relationship with your own child harder. But there’s hope! If you have a difficult daughter-in-law, it doesn’t mean you’ll never have a good relationship with her. You may have to work a little harder, but the work will be worth it. Taking time to get to know her will likely lead to the realization that you have more in common than you ever suspected.
Practical steps to improve your relationship with your daughter-in-law
If you’ve already read the post The Power of a Positive Relationship with Your Daughter-in-Law and tried the suggestions there, you may need to make more of an effort. I hear you: If she’s the problem, why should you have to do the work? Quite simply, because you’re a grownup and there is no reason to let a difficult person affect your family relationships. Making the effort to get along with her better is a gift to your child and your grandchildren, and ultimately yourself.
If you’ve been ignoring your daughter-in-law for years, she’s likely to be wary of your sudden interest. Who can blame her for thinking you are only doing this so you can have access to the baby? You may want to start with a genuine apology for not making a bigger effort in the past. You may want to discuss how to approach her with a therapist or with her spouse, your own child. Don’t expect overnight results: you need to build trust by proving over time that you are truly seeking a relationship with her.
Using the "most generous interpretation" approach with your daughter-in-law
One important step is to stop focusing on the negative. Extend what Dr. Becky of Good Inside calls the “most generous interpretation.” If your DIL consistently declines invitations to family dinners, you may want to assume it’s because she hates hanging out with you. A generous interpretation would be that she’s too tired to socialize at the end of the day. By making this shift in perspective, you may find it easier to be kind and respectful to her. That will often make it easier for her to return that kindness and respect.
Another thing: Make sure you aren’t putting your own child in the middle. Asking your son or daughter to intervene or play umpire will only make things worse. It really is up to you to form and maintain a relationship with your daughter-in-law outside of their partnership. This is especially true when you consider the current divorce rate. If your child’s marriage ends, and you don’t have an independent relationship with your daughter-in-law, it can be much, much harder to continue to see your grandchildren.
Resources to help improve your daughter-in-law relationship
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One of the best books for helping you learn to communicate with your daughter-in-law is Just Listen by Mark Goulston. Subtitled “Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone”, Just Listen is a practical guide to handling difficult people. Though many of the examples and solutions are from the business world, the twelve tools it outlines for getting through and achieving buy-in will work in any situation. These conversational tools can change the way your daughter-in-law sees you, and help you to create the kind of relationship that will benefit the whole family. You can find more book recommendations for improving relationships in our Amazon shop.
If you have trouble with your daughter-in-law, it doesn’t have to be that way. Working on your communication skills can help you to understand, respect and even enjoy her.
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