How Grandparents Can Support Parents During a NICU Stay
When your grandchild is in the NICU, your support can make a world of difference—but only if provided in the right ways. Learn how to truly help during this stressful time from parents and grandparents who've been there.
When Lyla's twins were born six weeks early, her carefully planned birth experience quickly dissolved. As her babies were whisked to the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU), she was overcome with a mix of emotions: joy, uncertainty, fear, and an overwhelming feeling of helplessness.
During the weeks her twins were in the NICU, Lyla discovered that support from grandparents could either make the situation easier or harder. Her mother quickly understood her role: providing practical help without imposing her own needs. "My mom was an all-star," Lyla shares. "She respectfully did as we asked, not pushing either of us, helping overnights, and championing us. She handled the dishes and bottle-washing so we could focus on our babies."
In contrast, her in-laws completely failed to recognize what the new parents needed. "My mother-in-law would show up without asking and somehow figured out how to let herself into the NICU. It was very disconcerting to have even the hospital’s boundary violated."
When a grandchild requires time in the NICU, the whole family experiences a rollercoaster of emotions. As a grandparent, you may feel helpless, worried, and unsure of how you can help. You can definitely help: All new parents need your support, but parents of a NICU baby need it even more.
This article draws on real experiences shared by NICU parents and grandparents in the More Than Grand community. These firsthand suggestions will help you understand how to best support your family when your grandbaby is in the NICU.
What parents of NICU babies need grandparents to understand
The NICU experience is emotionally and physically draining for new parents. Understanding what they're going through is the first step to providing meaningful support.
“It’s a very unsettling time because you’re not able to hold your baby in the way you thought you would when they entered the world. You aren’t able to fully be the mother/father you had expected, and there can be a lot of emotions for the parents. There are scary moments, too.”
Parents in the NICU often experience grief over a birth experience that didn't go as planned. The joy they anticipated is suddenly mixed with fear and uncertainty. Physical exhaustion compounds these feelings, especially for mothers recovering from childbirth. The emotional whiplash as their baby experiences good and difficult days can be overwhelming. Traveling to and from the hospital, caring for pets and other children, and keeping up with household tasks all require energy parents don’t have.
Each day brings new medical information to process and difficult decisions to make. Parents might feel disconnected from their baby while medical professionals provide primary care, creating feelings of helplessness. Meanwhile, financial concerns about mounting medical bills and time away from work add practical stress to an already emotionally charged situation.
The NICU environment itself can be intimidating—constant beeping monitors, unfamiliar medical terminology, and strict protocols. There’s the anxiety of watching other sick babies who may not be doing well, and imagining how their distressed families must feel. This makes it extra hard to process their own emotions as they try to form a bond with their new baby.
How grandparents can support without overstepping boundaries
The single most important thing for grandparents to remember is that while you are experiencing your own emotions about your grandchild's situation, your role is to support the parents—not the other way around.
As one grandmother wisely put it: "Listen to the baby's parents for what they actually need. Don't add to their burden as it's not about you!"
This means keeping your own fears and concerns in check around the parents. It means following their lead on communication, hospital visits, and involvement. It means respecting that parents are the decision-makers for their baby, and understanding that their immediate family unit (parents and baby) comes first. Most importantly, it means not expecting them to manage your emotions or keep you constantly updated when they're already stretched thin.
One grandfather shared: "We did our best to stay strong and positive and helpful around them, and if we needed to cry or pray we waited until we were away from them." This approach allows you to process your own feelings without adding to the parents' emotional load.
Remember that while you are experiencing this situation as a grandparent, they are experiencing it as parents—with all the responsibility, decision-making pressure, and intense emotions that entails. Your presence should lighten their load, not add to it.
Practical ways grandparents can help during a NICU stay
Essential support ideas for local grandparents
When you live nearby, practical help is your greatest gift to NICU parents. Parents consistently mentioned food as the most meaningful contribution during this time. Grandparents can:
Prepare or order meals so parents don't have to cook
Bring food to the hospital during long NICU days
Go grocery shopping and stock the refrigerator with easy-to-grab items
Buy gift cards for restaurants and food delivery services
Organize a meal train
Help with day-to-day tasks is also incredibly valuable. Ask parents if you can help by:
Do laundry, dishes, and general house cleaning
Care for family pets and maintain the yard
Drive parents to/from the hospital and appointments
Run errands that would take parents away from the hospital
Wash and sanitize pump parts and bottles
For families with other children, helping with siblings may be the most important support of all. Providing childcare, maintaining routines, and offering emotional support to children who may be confused or worried about their new sibling allows parents to focus on their NICU baby without guilt.
But remember: every parent will be different in the support they want and need. Make specific, concrete offers of help, but don’t be discouraged if parents don’t accept your assistance. Let them know you are there if they change their mind or need something different than what you suggested.
How to support your family from a distance during NICU stay
Living far away doesn't mean you can't provide meaningful support. Distance may actually offer clarity about what kind of help is most valuable. Facilitating communication is one way to help from afar. You might help set up group updates or coordinate information sharing with extended family to keep parents from having to provide the same updates repeatedly.
Financial assistance can be particularly helpful from long-distance grandparents. Parents expressed they were grateful for gift cards for gas, restaurants, and groceries. Depending on your financial situation and relationship, offering to contribute to medical expenses or the costs of temporary housing near the hospital might be deeply appreciated.
If you are planning a visit, make sure to time it based on parents' needs rather than your own schedule. Come prepared to help parents, not just to see the baby. As far as possible, make arrangements that won’t add stress to the household: stay at a hotel or AirBnB, rent a car, buy your own groceries, and manage your own needs.
Even from a distance, you can send care packages with essentials like comfortable clothes for hospital stays, snacks, hand lotion, or phone chargers. You might coordinate support from friends and family in their area or research local resources they might need.
Best communication practices for grandparents during NICU stays
Everyone wants frequent updates during a baby’s NICU stay, but parents rarely have the time or energy to keep everyone updated individually. Respecting their communication preferences is key to showing your support. Ask how they prefer to communicate and how often, and understand that they may not respond immediately. Let them know you're available without making them feel obligated to check in.
“One of the best things that my son-in-law did when our grandson was born was make a family group chat so that he could share information and photos and videos. This saved him and my daughter from having to share the same information separately.”
Instead of repeatedly asking "How's the baby?"—which may require a detailed medical update they've already given multiple times—try more supportive questions. Ask what you can do for them today or offer specific assistance. Check if it's a good time to talk or let them know you're available without expecting a response.
Many parents find it helpful when grandparents help manage information flow with the extended family. You might offer to be the point person who shares updates with others, removing that burden from the parents. Do not share information about the baby on social media without explicit permission, as many parents have strong feelings about their child's privacy, especially during vulnerable times.
Parents are already receiving professional guidance from their medical team, so don’t forward advice or medical articles unless parents have asked you to. However, it can be extremely helpful to parents if you take time to educate yourself on the challenges your grandchild may be facing. That way, they don’t have to spend time explaining things to you.
When should grandparents visit the NICU? Guidelines for supportive visits
Hospital visits shouldn’t be taken for granted. Most NICUs have strict policies about visitors, and parents' needs should always come first. Before planning a visit, always ask if it would be welcome—never surprise parents. Understand that hospital policies may limit visitors or visiting hours, and be prepared to be flexible with timing. Accept that you may not be able to hold or even see the baby, depending on their medical condition and hospital protocols. Follow all hospital protocols without complaint, even if they seem overly cautious or inconvenient.
“Don’t drop into the hospital without asking your adult child and their spouse if that’s okay with them, or if they’d prefer you plan your visits ahead. This includes visiting the new mom in the hospital.”
When you do visit, focus on making your presence helpful rather than stressful. Keep visits brief unless asked to stay longer. Bring food or necessities for the parents—a thoughtful touch that acknowledges their needs. Don’t bring things that aren’t currently useful–there’s not room for gifts to pile up and parents don’t need something else to worry about. Offer to sit with the baby so parents can take a short break if they want to, but understand that they may not want to leave their baby’s side, or it may be against hospital policy to have visitors without a parent present.
Most importantly, don't expect parents to entertain you or manage your emotions during visits. Grandparents shared that it was very difficult to see their grandbaby for the first time. Medically fragile babies look vulnerable, which can trigger grief and even fear. Prepare yourself by asking for pictures ahead of time, or by looking for pictures on the internet.
There are times when visiting isn't appropriate. If you're feeling ill, even mildly, stay away from the NICU to protect vulnerable infants. If parents seem overwhelmed or hesitant when you ask about visiting, respect their subtle cues. During medical procedures or when healthcare providers need access to the baby, your presence may be an obstacle rather than a help. And if your presence creates tension rather than support, consider whether your emotional needs might be better met elsewhere.
How grandparents can help after NICU discharge
“Coming home after discharge was the hardest part of the whole ordeal…everyone else went back to normal. People didn’t seem to understand that bringing home a sick baby isn’t the same as bringing home a normal baby.”
Parents emphasized that the journey doesn't end when their baby comes home from the NICU. In fact, this transition can be even harder. As parents adjust to caring for their baby at home, often with serious medical needs or concerns, your practical support is still needed.
Parents will still need help with household tasks as they establish new routines. They may be dealing with specialized equipment, frequent medical appointments, or care routines that require time and attention, leaving even less energy for everyday tasks.
Follow parents' lead on visitors and handling the baby. Many NICU parents are especially cautious about germs and exposure, having seen their baby's vulnerability firsthand. What might seem like overprotectiveness is reasonable caution based on medical advice–follow any precautions parents request of you.
Don't pressure parents to "get back to normal" before they're ready. NICU parents may have trauma to process from their experience–the emotional impact doesn't necessarily end with discharge.
Grandparent emotions: managing your feelings without burdening parents
The sight of your grandchild in the NICU may be difficult.
It's natural to feel worried, scared, helpless, or even grief-stricken when your grandchild is in the NICU. Finding healthy ways to manage these feelings is essential for your wellbeing and your ability to support your family effectively.
Talk with friends, a therapist, or support groups for grandparents who understand your experience. Journaling about your experiences and emotions can provide relief and clarity. If faith is important to you, connect with your religious community for spiritual support. The key is finding private moments to process your emotions away from the parents, who need your strength rather than your fears.
When you talk to parents, balance concern with appropriate optimism. Sharing worst-case scenarios or scary stories will only increase anxiety without providing help. Equally important, don't dismiss challenges with toxic positivity. Saying things like "everything will be fine" or "it's all in God's hands" can make parents feel their legitimate concerns aren't being heard. Focus on present progress rather than worrying about the future, and follow the parents' lead on the emotional tone of conversations about the baby. Sometimes the best thing you can say is “This is hard, but I’m here for you.”
Taking care of yourself isn't selfish—it's necessary for sustained support. Maintain your own routines and self-care practices when possible. Set boundaries around what you can realistically provide, and be honest about your own limitations. Remember that you can't support others effectively if you're emotionally or physically depleted.
How your NICU support affects long-term family relationships
Many parents reported that their NICU experience revealed the true nature of family relationships. Some relationships grew stronger through mutual support and respect, while others were permanently damaged when grandparents prioritized their own needs or feelings above those of the new parents.
How you behave during this crisis will have long-lasting effects on your relationship with your adult children and your role in your grandchild's life. The NICU experience, like any crisis, often starkly reveals relationship dynamics. Parents remember who showed up with support and who made life harder during this overwhelming time.
Creating trust happens through consistent, respectful support. What does that look like?
Demonstrate respect for parents' decisions, even when you might disagree with certain choices.
Show that you can be counted on to help without judgment or strings attached.
Prove through your actions that you can follow their guidelines for their child, even when those differ from your own parenting practices.
When relationships become strained—as they sometimes do under stress—focus on repairing connections rather than being "right" in disagreements. Address tensions directly but gently, emphasizing your desire for a positive relationship rather than defending your actions or intentions. Consider family counseling if tensions persist after the NICU stay. Be patient with the healing process, as trust rebuilds gradually through consistent respect and support.
Helpful resources for grandparents of NICU babies
Having a grandchild in the NICU is challenging, but you don't have to navigate it alone. Many hospitals provide NICU family support programs that include grandparent education. Online grandparent forums and groups can connect you with others sharing similar experiences. Look for books about supporting your adult children as they parent, particularly those focused on medical challenges or premature birth.
For the whole family, resources like
"The Littlest Peanut"—a book for tracking NICU milestones (affiliate link)
The Ronald McDonald House offers accommodation near hospitals for families traveling for medical care.
The March of Dimes NICU Family Support program provides information and comfort to families in many hospitals.
NICU parent mentoring programs can connect parents with others who have navigated similar journeys.
Online support groups for specific medical conditions offer specialized information and community.
Parent after parent told us that the best source of information and support during their child’s NICU stay was the nurses that were caring for their babies. Just remember, they can’t share medical information with you unless parents have given their permission. Make sure to show your appreciation for the care they are providing for your grandchild and his or her parents.
Why grandparent support during NICU stays matters
The NICU journey is temporary, but how you show up for parents during this time will affect your relationship for years to come. Parents need you to respect boundaries, provide practical help, and manage your own emotions.
Your role as a grandparent during this time helps shape the foundation of your relationship with both your grandchild and your adult child. When you demonstrate that you can be trusted to provide the type of support that truly helps, you set yourself up to be a valued, involved part of your grandchild’s life.
One NICU parent summed it up perfectly: "The more you show kindness, love, grace, patience, and a giving selfless heart to the parents, the more time you'll receive with your precious grandbaby!"
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