When You're the 'Other' Grandparent: Managing Holiday Competition
Holiday grandparent competition exhausts everyone—especially your adult children caught in the middle. Learn how to stop competing for time and gifts, and start building the peaceful family celebrations you really want.
Alex was dreading the conversation with his parents. He and his wife were planning to spend Christmas with his in-laws, and he knew his mother would respond with guilt trips and excessive gift-buying to "prove" she was the better grandmother. His parents lived closer and saw the baby weekly, yet they acted threatened whenever his in-laws got holiday time. The holiday grandparent competition was exhausting everyone—especially Alex and his wife, who just wanted peaceful celebrations without managing competing egos.
Why does holiday grandparent competition hurt families?
When grandparents compete for time, attention, or the title of "favorite," they create stress that ripples through the entire family. Your adult children feel caught between loyalty to you and fairness to their in-laws. They spend energy managing your feelings instead of enjoying the holidays. Their partners may feel defensive about their own parents, creating tension in the marriage.
The competition often stems from fear that you are missing out or falling short. Maybe your in-laws live just ten minutes away and see the grandchildren every week for babysitting, while you're three states away getting quarterly visits. Or perhaps they can afford lavish gifts while you're on a fixed income. These fears are understandable, but acting on them through competition damages the relationships you're trying to protect.
Grandparents who focus on connection rather than comparison build stronger bonds with grandchildren as well as the rest of the family. The other grandparents aren't your rivals—they're additional adults who love your grandchildren. That's a gift, not a threat.
The hidden costs of holiday grandparent competition
Competition manifests in ways you might not recognize. Take Renee, whose mother-in-law lives across town and provides regular childcare. When Renee’s own mother visits for Christmas, she arrives with a car full of expensive toys—far more than Renee and her husband can afford or want in their home. She makes pointed comments about "finally getting to spoil them properly" since she "doesn't get to see them as much as some people do." Renee spends the holiday managing her mother's jealousy instead of enjoying family time.
These behaviors don't make you the favorite grandmother. They make you the source of stress during what should be joyful gatherings. Your adult children may start limiting information about time spent with the other grandparents to avoid your reaction. This creates distance, which is the opposite of what you want.
Gift competitions teach children that love equals material things. Making guilt-inducing comments about limited time together burdens your adult children with managing your emotions. Criticizing the other grandparents' traditions or choices forces families to defend people they care about.
Holiday competition also models unhealthy relationship patterns for grandchildren. They learn that family relationships involve keeping score, managing jealousy, and playing favorites. Is that the legacy you want to leave?
How to talk to parents about holiday time
Your adult children are trying to balance multiple relationships and create meaningful traditions for their nuclear family. They're not choosing the other grandparents over you—they're making decisions that work for their immediate family unit.
Consider Melissa's situation. Her in-laws live twenty minutes away and see her children three times a week. Her own parents live eight hours away. When she spends Thanksgiving with her nearby in-laws, her mother sends texts about being "forgotten." Melissa isn't choosing one grandparent over another. She's choosing what works for her young children's schedule and her own family's needs.
Many parents report that they'd gladly include grandparents in more celebrations if those gatherings didn't come with competition and pressure. They don’t want to spend energy and time mediating conflicts, managing hurt feelings, and trying to prove they're being "fair" to everyone. The issue isn't that they don't want you there—it's that the emotional labor of managing grandparent rivalry exhausts them during an already demanding season.
What to say instead of guilt trips: Communication scripts
When you feel left out or jealous, acknowledge your feelings privately before responding to your adult children. Try these approaches:
Instead of: "I guess we're not important enough for Christmas this year."
Say this: "I understand you're spending Christmas with Renee's parents. Would you be open to celebrating with us on Christmas Eve or the weekend after? I'd love to start a special tradition that's just ours."
Instead of: "Well, I'm sure her parents will spoil them with expensive gifts since they can afford it."
Say this: "What would be most helpful for the kids this year? I want to choose gifts that fit with your family's needs and values."
Instead of: "You always spend more time with the other grandparents. They live closer so they get everything."
Say this: "I miss seeing you all regularly. Could we schedule video calls between visits? I'd love to hear about the kids' week even when we can't be together in person."
These scripts acknowledge your feelings while respecting your adult children's autonomy. They open dialogue instead of creating defensiveness.
How to compete less and connect more with grandchildren
The other grandparents may have natural advantages—they live closer, are retired, or have more money for gifts. Instead of competing on their terms, create something uniquely yours that neither time, proximity nor wealth can replicate.
Linda lives twelve hours from her grandchildren while the other grandparents live in the same town. Instead of resenting the weekly dinners she's missing, she created "Grandma's Winter Wonderland Weekend" the first Saturday in January. Her family drives to her house, and she focuses entirely on special activities they don't do at home—sledding, making homemade hot chocolate with a dozen toppings, building gingerbread houses. Her grandchildren talk about this weekend all year. It's theirs.
Margaret struggled when her wealthier co-grandparents gave their shared grandchildren elaborate electronic gifts each holiday. She couldn't compete financially and felt inadequate. Then she started a tradition of making photo albums documenting the year—simple albums with handwritten captions. Her teenage grandchildren still have every album she's made. The expensive electronics were replaced or forgotten long ago.
Think about what you can offer that's different from the other grandparents. Maybe you host the family game night, or you're the grandparent who does holiday light tours. Find your own meaningful traditions instead of trying to replicate theirs.
Building better grandparent relationships year-round
Shifting from competition to connection requires consistent effort year-round, not just during the holidays. Examine your responses when your adult children mention the other grandparents. Do you tense up? Make subtle digs? Change the subject? These reactions signal competition even when you think you're being subtle.
Work on your relationship with your daughter-in-law or son-in-law. When you genuinely care about your child's partner and respect their parents, competition naturally decreases. You're all on the same team—supporting the family at the center.
Focus your energy on being the grandparent you want to be, not on comparing yourself to the other grandparents. What kind of relationship do you want with your grandchildren? What values do you want to model? How can you best support their parents? These questions matter more than whether you get equal holiday time.
Stopping grandparent competition starts with you
You can't control how much time the other grandparents get or what advantages they have. You can control how you show up in your grandchildren's lives and how you support their parents.
Choose connection over competition this holiday season. Release the rivalry over who gives better gifts or gets more time. The peace you create will strengthen every relationship in your family. Your grandchildren will remember the joy of celebrations with you, not the stress of navigating grandparent conflicts.
When you're secure in your own value as a grandparent, holiday grandparent competition loses its power over you. You're enough, exactly as you are, with exactly the time and resources you have to offer.
Planning peaceful holiday celebrations requires more than good intentions—it needs a clear strategy. A Grandparent's Guide to Happy Holidays walks you through creating meaningful traditions, communicating effectively with parents, and navigating common holiday challenges including competition with other grandparents. Get your copy today to transform this holiday season from competitive to connected.
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