The Other Grandparents

Being on good terms with the other grandparents in your grandchild’s life is an important way to support your grandchild and their parents.

Baby Aiden is about to turn a year old. His mother, Emily, is excited about the milestone but is dreading the celebration. “Christmas was a nightmare thanks to the grandparents,” she told me. “I know there’s no way to not invite them, so I’m tempted to just skip having a party.”

She wasn’t upset by the over-indulgence or boundary-ignoring that parents usually mention when they complain about grandparents. It was the way the grandparents acted with each other: her divorced parents couldn’t stop sniping at one another, her step-parents made no effort to be civil to the other grandparents, and her in-laws seemed to think grandparenting was a competition for the baby’s love and attention.

When you become a grandparent, it is rare for that to be a solo role. You are most often one of several, and each one is just as valuable to your grandchild. Usually, each one also wants to have the same close and special bond that you hope for with your grand. In other words, being a grandparent is not about you. Recognizing that you are part of a team is the first step of providing life-long support for your grandchild and their parents.

What’s the secret of successful teams? Working together, instead of competing with one another.

If you are lucky, you can get your children to marry your best friend’s offspring. That will guarantee you like the other grandparents! And while that sometimes happens, more often the grandparent team is assembled from people who wouldn’t normally hang out together. (In fact, in some cases, the team includes someone who has specifically chosen to remove another member from their life!) While it can be a challenge to navigate co-grandparenting, it’s important to make your best effort. 

Why it’s important to maintain a good relationship with the other grandparents

There are a lot of reasons why it’s important to maintain a good relationship with your grandchild's other grandparents. The main one is your grandchild, and here's why.

• Your grandchild will benefit from having a positive relationship with all of their grandparents.
• Your grandchild will have the opportunity to learn about their family history and culture from every grandparent.
• A good relationship with the other grandparents can provide a sense of security and belonging for your grandchild—they notice how you treat one another, and feel uneasy when there is strife.
• It is far more enjoyable for everyone to spend time together when they are a united, harmonious extended family.
• Maintaining a good relationship with the other grandparents can help to minimize any potential conflicts or misunderstandings.
• It can be fulfilling and rewarding to have a close and positive relationship with your grandchild's other grandparents—after all, you are all members of the same fan club!

How to foster a friendly relationship with the other grandparents

Fostering a friendly relationship with the other grandparents is an important part of being a good grandparent. ‘Fine,’ you say, ‘but I barely know the other grandparents! We live in different states and never see one another!’

That doesn’t mean you can’t have a good relationship with them. If you don’t live near them, here are some ways to foster a good relationship with your grandchild's other grandparents:

• Communicate regularly: Keep in touch with the other grandparents through phone calls, text messages, or emails. This can help keep everyone updated on the grandchild's development and allow you to share special moments.
• Plan visits: If possible, try to schedule visits with the grandchild and the other grandparents. This can be a great way to spend time together and strengthen your relationship.
• Share photos and updates: Share photos and updates about the grandchild with the other grandparents. This can help them feel more connected to the grandchild and allow them to feel involved in their life.

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If you do live near the other grands, there are more opportunities to build a friendship with them.

• Make an effort to get along: Even if you don't always see eye-to-eye with the other grandparents, try to be respectful and make an effort to get along. Remember that the most important thing is the well-being of the grandchild.
• Offer to help: If the other grandparents need help with childcare or other tasks related to the grandchild, offer to assist. This can be a great way to show your support and strengthen your relationship. (Note: help doesn’t need to be limited to matters involving your grandchild!)
• Celebrate special occasions: Make sure to celebrate special occasions with the grandchild and the other grandparents, without trying to compete. The memories you create will strengthen family bonds.

Emily has a final plea for all the grandparents in Aiden’s life. “I wish they’d see what a poor example they are setting for Aiden. All these adults who could show him how to treat others with kindness and respect are showing him the opposite.”

Do you have a good relationship with your grandchild’s other grandparents? Please share in the comments!

You may also like:

• Do You Want to be the Favorite Grandparent?
• 5 Games for Facetime with Grandchildren
• Sharing the Grandmother Experience by Donne Davis