What Do Parents Really Want from Grandparents?
Parents need more than an enthusiastic grandparent—they need a partner they can count on. Learn what parents really want from you, and how to become the grandparent they welcome into every part of their child's life.
What do parents want from grandparents?
I’ll give you a hint: It's not baby clothes or fancy toys.
Here’s what parents DO want: They want someone who is excited to cuddle and love their little one, who will be the head of the baby’s fan club. They want someone who will celebrate all the milestones and easily move past the missteps their child makes as they grow up. They want someone to pass on family stories and traditions. They want someone who will help fill their child’s life with adventures and memories.
What parents are really hoping for from grandparents
But most of all, parents want you to be partners as they raise their children. They want their children to have supportive, involved grandparents. They want to know they can count on you for help or guidance when either they or their child needs it. They want to know that if they talk to you about something, you’ll be open to listening and helping them. They want you to see and respect boundaries. They want to know that you understand how hard parenting a child in the digital age is, and that social media gives them more than enough unsolicited advice.
There are other things they want, and these vary wildly. Some parents want grandparents to only buy organic cotton baby clothes. Some want to keep their child away from the television news. Some want to make sure dinner is at 5:30 sharp every single day. These are the things that can be pitfalls for grandparents if we don’t know and respect them. They are also the things that build trust when we get them right.
Why grandparents overstep without meaning to
In our enthusiasm about being a grandparent, it can be easy to make mistakes. We may overstep our bounds, dismiss a request that seems unimportant, or rationalize something we really want to do. Our children, who even as adults still want to be loved by us, may not say anything that might rock the boat. If our missteps continue, they may pull away without us knowing why, and pull the grandchildren with them. And we are left to guess where we went wrong.
That slow drift can catch grandparents off guard. Visits get shorter. Invitations come less often. You see your grandchild less than you'd hoped.
What does it mean to be a partner to parents?
“Being a partner doesn’t mean agreeing with every parenting decision.”
Being a partner doesn't mean agreeing with every parenting decision. It means respecting that parents are the decision-makers, and that your role is to support them as they raise their children.
In practice, it sounds like this: "I was thinking of getting Celine a dollhouse for Christmas. Would that work for you?” " Or: "I know you don’t want Henry to have sugar—can you suggest some alternate treats?" Or simply: "Tell me what would be helpful to you when I visit."
Those aren't difficult things to say. But they require a shift in how you see yourself in relation to your adult children. Despite your decades of experience, you aren’t an expert on their child. You are a partner who brings a lot to the table, but deferring to parents’ expertise is what makes you a valuable part of your grandchild’s team.
How do you find out what parents want?
Ask. It’s truly that simple.
One of my readers wrote to me recently: "Being so new at this, I don't know what I don't know."
That's exactly the challenge. Early on—before the baby arrives if possible—sit down with the parents and ask about the things that matter to them. Most parents will be relieved you asked.
The questions aren’t complicated, but there are specific areas that grandparents often get wrong. Who’s invited to the birth, what’s important to parents, rules around food, visits, gifts—these are all things that can be potential pitfalls when expectations collide.
You won't cover everything in one conversation. But you'll get a starting point. Even more importantly, you’ll show parents that you want to communicate about the things that matter to them. Setting up a pattern of open conversations early will make everything easier in the years to come.
Getting it right from the start
New Grandparent Essentials was built around exactly this kind of conversation. The guided workbook includes question banks for talking with parents—before the baby arrives and as your grandchild grows—so you know what to ask and how to ask it without putting anyone on the defensive. It also covers the parenting trends and terminology you're most likely to encounter, so you can follow along when parents explain their choices instead of feeling lost.
The grandparent parents want you to be
Parents want you in their child's life. They want their child to have a grandparent who shows up, who knows them, who is part of the story.
What parents want from grandparents isn't complicated—it's partnership. Show up curious. Ask before you act. Listen more than you advise. And when you're not sure, say so. That's what builds the kind of trust with parents that keeps you close.
Frequently Asked Questions
What do parents want most from grandparents?
Parents want a partner—someone who respects their parenting decisions, listens when they raise concerns, and asks before acting rather than assuming. Enthusiasm and love matter, but trust is what keeps grandparents close.
How can grandparents avoid overstepping with new parents?
Ask questions early and often. Find out what the parents' routines and preferences are, and follow their lead even when it differs from how you did things. When you're unsure, ask before you act.
What should grandparents never do with new parents?
Dismiss a parent's request because it seems minor. Rationalize doing something your own way without checking. Give unsolicited advice, especially about feeding, sleep, or discipline. These are the patterns that most often damage trust.
How do grandparents build trust with new parents?
By showing that you hear them and take their preferences seriously—even the ones that seem small. Consistency matters. When parents see that you follow through on what they've asked, they relax. And when they relax, you get more access, not less.
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