Ah, boundaries! They are the cornerstone of healthy relationships, and yet sometimes they can be so hard to define. Defining them is important, though, especially when the first grandbaby comes along. Being an involved and supportive grandparent is so much more rewarding when you know what the expectations are.

Parents repeatedly complain about grandparents pushing boundaries. They sometimes wish they could print up and deliver a list of boundaries for grandparents.

Well, now they can! But before you read the following list, keep this in mind:

First, this list is long and some of the boundaries may seem harsh. Look at these rules as a starting point for your own conversations, not as a mandate for all grandparents. Some of the boundaries listed may not be of any concern to your grandchild’s parents, and there may be issues that aren’t even on here.

Second, every family is different. What may be a non-negotiable, “you’ll-never-see-your-grandkids-again” rule in one family may not matter at all to another set of parents. (This could even be true within a family: while one of your daughters may forbid all sugar for her children, another daughter may serve Oreos with dinner.)

Read on for a list of boundaries for grandparents.

What Grandparents Should Do

• Grandparents should recognize that parents are acting in the best interests of their child.
• Grandparents should always support parenting choices, even if they don’t understand them.
• Grandparents should love and treat all grandchildren equally.
• Grandparents should recognize that other grandparents are equally important to their grandchildren, and not competitors for their love.
• Grandparents should ask for parent input on gifts, and follow their recommendations and requests.
• Grandparents should ask permission before posting pictures on social media.

What Grandparents Should NOT Do

• Grandparents should not give advice unless asked, and then only if they can do so without criticism.
• Grandparents should not offer children foods or drinks that parents don’t want them to consume.
• Grandparents should not impose their religious beliefs on their grandchildren.
• Grandparents should not confuse a child’s schedule by altering nap time, bedtime, or meal time without asking.
• Grandparents should not show up at their grandchild’s house unannounced.
• Grandparents should not criticize parents in front of their children.
• Grandparents should not expect children to accept or give physical affection.
• Grandparents should not offer unapproved screen time or expose children to inappropriate content.
• Grandparents should not smoke, do drugs, or drink too much alcohol when children are nearby.
• Grandparents should not talk about other family members in a negative way in front of the children.
• Grandparents should not side with grandchildren against their parents.

Some of these rules may seem like common sense to one person and an extreme overreaction to another. That’s why it’s important for grandparents and parents to talk about boundaries. If your grandchild’s parents haven’t started the conversation, it doesn’t mean they don’t care. It may just mean they don’t want to offend you. You’ll make life easier for everyone if you bring up the subject of boundaries yourself.

When it comes down to it, there are really two main rules for grandparents to remember:

1. Grandparents play a supporting role to the parents of their grandchild, and they should follow parents’ lead.
2. If parents ever ask you to change something you are doing as a grandparent, you should listen to their concerns and respect their wishes.

Having healthy family boundaries comes down to clear and respectful communication. Keep in mind that some boundaries can be undefined as parents adjust to their new role. Also, boundaries can shift as time goes by. Making yourself open to communicating with parents can help navigate those changes and work through any misunderstanding caused by unclear or changing boundaries.

You might also like:

• Are You Driving Your Kids Crazy?
• How New Grandparents Can Avoid a Communication Breakdown
• When Grandparents Don't Listen to Parents