The Ultimate List of Boundaries for Grandparents
What if a simple list of grandparent boundaries and rules could transform your relationship with your adult children from walking on eggshells to genuine partnership? This comprehensive guide shows exactly what to do and what to avoid, plus the conversation starters that make discussing boundaries feel natural instead of confrontational.
Ah, boundaries! They are the cornerstone of healthy relationships, and yet sometimes they can be so hard to define. Defining them is important, though, especially when the first grandbaby comes along. Being an involved and supportive grandparent is so much more rewarding when you know what the expectations are.
Parents repeatedly complain about grandparents pushing boundaries. They sometimes wish they could print up and deliver a list of boundaries for grandparents.
Well, now they can! But before you read the following list, keep this in mind:
First, this list is long and some of the boundaries may seem harsh. Look at these rules as a starting point for your own conversations, not as a mandate for all grandparents. Some of the boundaries listed may not be of any concern to your grandchild’s parents, and there may be issues that aren’t even on here.
📍 If You're a Parent Who Found This Post:
You're probably here because you're struggling to know which boundaries actually matter and how to communicate them without causing family conflict. This list can help grandparents understand expectations, but you might be wondering: "Which of these rules apply to MY situation? Am I being unreasonable?"
Understanding Grandparents: Building Bridges and Setting Boundaries helps you trust your instincts, differentiate between normal annoying behavior and genuine pr
Second, every family is different. What may be a non-negotiable, “you’ll-never-see-your-grandkids-again” rule in one family may not matter at all to another set of parents. (This could even be true within a family: while one of your daughters may forbid all sugar for her children, another daughter may serve Oreos with dinner.)
Read on for a list of boundaries for grandparents.
6 boundaries grandparents should always follow to support parents
Respect that parents are making decisions in the best interest of their child.
Support parenting choices, even when they differ from your own.
Treat all grandchildren equally with love and attention.
Recognize the role of other grandparents without competing for their grandchildren’s affection.
Ask for guidance on gifts and follow parents’ recommendations.
Get permission before posting any pictures of grandchildren on social media.
11 things grandparents should never do with their grandchildren
Give advice unless asked, and then only if they can do so without criticism.
Offer foods or drinks parents have forbidden.
Impose your religious beliefs on grandchildren.
Change nap, bedtime, or meal schedules without parent approval.
Show up unannounced at a grandchild’s home.
Criticize parents in front of children.
Expect children to give or receive physical affection.
Allow unapproved screen time or exposure to inappropriate content.
Smoke, use drugs, or drink excessively when children are present.
Speak negatively about family members in front of children.
Side with grandchildren against their parents.
Some of these rules may seem like common sense to one person and an extreme overreaction to another. That’s why it’s important for grandparents and parents to talk about boundaries. If your grandchild’s parents haven’t started the conversation, it doesn’t mean they don’t care. It may just mean they don’t want to offend you. You’ll make life easier for everyone if you bring up the subject of boundaries yourself.
Starting and navigating these boundary conversations with confidence is one of the key skills we explore in New Grandparent Essentials. The guide provides specific scripts and approaches for these discussions, helping you build stronger family relationships rather than accidentally creating conflict through miscommunication.
The two most important boundaries every grandparent must follow
When it comes down to it, there are really two main rules for grandparents to remember:
Grandparents play a supporting role to the parents of their grandchild, and they should follow parents’ lead.
If parents ever ask you to change something you are doing as a grandparent, you should listen to their concerns and respect their wishes.
How healthy boundaries between grandparents and parents strengthen families
Having healthy family boundaries comes down to clear and respectful communication. Keep in mind that some boundaries can be undefined as parents adjust to their new role. Also, boundaries can shift as time goes by.
Making yourself open to communicating with parents can help navigate those changes and work through any misunderstanding caused by unclear or changing boundaries.
FAQs: Common questions about boundaries for grandparents
For Parents: The Other Side of These Questions
The FAQ below offers guidance for grandparents - but if you're a parent reading this, you might be wondering: "How do I know which boundaries are reasonable? How do I start these conversations without sounding controlling? What if they disagree?"
Understanding Grandparents: Building Bridges and Setting Boundaries answers these questions from your perspective, with The Friend Test to validate your concerns and word-for-word scripts for every scenario below. Learn more - $17
Q: How should grandparents handle boundaries they disagree with?
A: Your feelings about a boundary are valid, but the boundary itself isn't up for debate. Parents have the right to set rules for their children, even if you handled things differently. Focus on understanding their reasoning rather than changing their minds.
Q: How can grandparents start boundary conversations respectfully?
A: Try saying something like: "I want to make sure I'm being the kind of grandparent you need. Are there any specific things you'd like me to keep in mind when I'm with the kids?" This shows respect for their role as parents.
Q: How to adjust when grandparent boundaries change over time?
A: Boundaries often evolve as children grow and parents gain confidence. Stay flexible and check in regularly. Ask, "Are there any updates to how you'd like me to handle bedtime/gifts/discipline?" This shows you're paying attention to their family's growth.
Q: When is it okay for grandparents to say no to parents’ boundary requests?
A: You can absolutely say no to a boundary, but be prepared for potential consequences to your relationship and time with grandchildren. Before saying no, ask yourself: "Is this boundary truly harmful, or does it just feel uncomfortable because it's different from how I did things?"
Q: How to navigate boundaries that treat other grandparents differently?
A: Focus on building your own positive relationship with the parents rather than comparing treatment. Different grandparents may have different boundaries based on their relationship history, proximity, or the parents' comfort level. Work on strengthening your connection rather than questioning theirs.
Resources for Healthy Boundaries
For Grandparents: Want to dive deeper into understanding your supporting role? Check out New Grandparent Essentials, our comprehensive guide to partnering with parents, understanding current parenting practices, and building the relationships you want with your family.
For Parents: If you're reading this list and thinking "How do I know which of these boundaries I actually need?" or "How do I have these conversations without starting World War III?"—Understanding Grandparents: Building Bridges and Setting Boundaries is for you.
Inside you'll find:
The Friend Test framework to validate your concerns
Psychology behind why grandparents resist boundaries
Word-for-word scripts for every FAQ scenario above (from the parent perspective)
How to build bridges while maintaining necessary boundaries
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