Why Do Grandparents Act This Way? Understanding Their Behavior
What if your parents’ frustrating grandparent behavior isn’t defiance, but cultural and psychological programming? Understanding why grandparents act this way can transform conflict into cooperation.
Sloane felt her jaw clench as her mother-in-law handed three-year-old Jake another cookie after Sloane had already said no. "It's my job to spoil him," her mother-in-law announced with a smile, seemingly oblivious to Sloane's frustration. Later that evening, Sloane vented to her husband: "Why does she act like my rules don't matter?" What Sloane didn't realize was that her mother-in-law had been bombarded with messages about grandparents' "right to spoil" from social media posts, coffee mugs, and grandparent Facebook groups. Understanding this cultural programming was the first step toward improving their relationship.
Why grandparents act this way: cultural messages that shape their behavior
When you wonder "why do grandparents act this way," it helps to understand the constant stream of messages telling them that following your rules isn't their job. Everywhere grandparents look—from Facebook memes to greeting cards to coffee mugs—they see phrases like "If Mom says no, ask Grandma," "Grandparents: the ones who spoil you and send you home," and "My house, my rules, my grandkids."
These messages exert a powerful influence. Just as your parenting choices have been formed by by advice about screen time limits and organic foods, grandparents are absorbing messages that position rule-breaking as not just acceptable, but as their responsibility. They're told that being the "fun one" who ignores parents' guidelines is what makes them a good grandparent.
Social media amplifies this messaging through grandparent groups where members share stories about sneaking candy to grandchildren or rolling their eyes at parents' "ridiculous" rules. This creates an echo chamber where grandparents don't understand modern parenting because they're surrounded by voices telling them they shouldn't have to understand it.
Understanding the reasons behind grandparent behavior is the first step toward building better family relationships. When you recognize that your parents aren't trying to undermine you—they're responding to cultural messages about their role—you can address the real issue instead of just the symptoms.
If you’ve noticed these messages creeping into your own parents’ behavior, our ebook, Understanding Grandparents: Building Bridges and Setting Boundaries, helps you unpack the influence of cultural myths and offers practical ways to reset the relationship.
Why grandparents don't understand modern parenting
Beyond cultural messaging, there's a psychological reason why grandparents struggle to adapt to current parenting practices. When they raised children, they made decisions based on the best information available at the time. Accepting that approaches have changed can feel like admitting their parenting was wrong, which triggers defensiveness rather than openness to learning.
This isn't about intelligence or stubbornness—it's about cognitive dissonance. When new information conflicts with deeply held beliefs about what worked for them, the human brain naturally resists. Your parents successfully raised children to adulthood, so suggestions that they should do things differently can feel like criticism of their entire parenting legacy.
Many grandparents also came from generations where parenting advice was simpler and less research-based. They trusted their instincts and community wisdom rather than consulting multiple sources about every decision. The overwhelming amount of information available to today's parents can seem excessive or anxiety-driven to people who parented with less external input.
When grandparents say things like "You turned out fine" in response to your different choices, they're not necessarily dismissing your concerns. They're expressing confusion about why approaches that worked for them aren't good enough for their grandchildren. Knowing this can go a long way towards understanding grandparents and parenting conflicts.
Emotional needs that explain frustrating grandparent behavior
At the core of frustrating grandparent behavior are two fundamental human needs: belonging and significance. When grandparents feel excluded by your decisions about their grandchildren or criticized for their approaches, these needs go unmet, leading to behaviors that can seem undermining or disrespectful.
The need for belonging drives grandparents to seek connection with their grandchildren through any means available. If they feel like your rules create barriers to that connection, they may circumvent guidelines to maintain their relationship with the child. The grandmother who sneaks extra treats isn't necessarily trying to undermine your authority—she's trying to create positive associations between herself and her grandchild.
The need for significance manifests when grandparents feel like their experience and wisdom aren't valued. If they perceive that you dismiss their input or don't trust their judgment, they may assert their importance through boundary-pushing behavior. This explains why some grandparents become more insistent about doing things their way when they feel unheard or unappreciated.
Recognizing these emotional needs doesn't excuse problematic behavior, but it helps you address the root cause rather than just managing the surface issues. When grandparents feel genuinely included and valued, they're much more likely to respect your parenting decisions.
Normal grandparent differences vs. truly problematic behavior
Not every grandparent behavior that frustrates you represents a serious problem. Learning to distinguish between normal generational differences and genuinely problematic patterns helps you respond appropriately and preserve your energy for the issues that truly matter.
Normal differences might include things like different snack choices or more relaxed screen time during visits. These behaviors, while potentially annoying, usually don't undermine your overall parenting. Problematic patterns involve consistent disregard for safety rules, deliberate undermining of your authority in front of your child, or persistent criticism of your parenting choices.
Understanding the reasons behind grandparent behavior is the first step toward building better family relationships. For a complete framework on distinguishing problematic behavior from normal differences, plus word-for-word scripts for difficult conversations, Understanding Grandparents: Building Bridges and Setting Boundaries provides the deeper insights and practical tools to transform challenging relationships into supportive partnerships.
Why building understanding with grandparents works better than just setting boundaries
While boundary-setting remains important, focusing solely on rules without addressing the underlying reasons often leads to ongoing conflict. Building understanding creates a foundation for cooperation that makes boundary enforcement easier over time.
Most grandparents genuinely want what's best for their grandchildren and for your family relationships to be positive. By approaching conflicts with curiosity about their perspective rather than judgment about their behavior, you create opportunities for the cooperation and support that benefit everyone, especially your children.
FAQs about grandparent behavior
Parents often ask why grandparents act the way they do, especially when rules or boundaries are ignored. Here are answers to some of the most common questions about grandparent behavior.
Why do grandparents undermine parents?
Many grandparents don’t see their actions as undermining. They’re responding to cultural messages that say spoiling or bending rules is part of their role. Often, it’s less about disrespect and more about wanting to connect with their grandchildren.
Why don’t grandparents understand modern parenting?
Grandparents raised children in a different time, with less research and fewer guidelines. Today’s parenting advice can feel overwhelming or even like a criticism of the way they raised their own kids, which makes it harder for them to accept.
Is it normal for grandparents to ignore parenting rules?
Some differences are common, like giving extra treats or more relaxed screen time. But consistent rule-breaking or open criticism of parents is not normal—it’s a sign of deeper issues that need to be addressed.
How can I talk to grandparents about their behavior without causing conflict?
Start with curiosity instead of judgment. Try saying: “I know you love being with the kids, and I want that too. Can we talk about how to make visits easier for everyone?” Approaching the conversation with empathy often opens the door to cooperation.
➡️ If you’re not sure what to say, our ebook Understanding Grandparents includes sample scripts you can adapt for tricky conversations.
What if my parents’ behavior as grandparents never changes?
You can’t control whether grandparents change, but you can set limits to protect your family’s wellbeing. Focusing on your own boundaries, while offering respect and inclusion where possible, creates the healthiest balance.
Understanding Grandparents: Building Bridges and Setting Boundaries provides additional strategies and word-for-word scripts for transforming challenging grandparent relationships into the supportive partnerships that benefit your entire family.