Why Won't My Adult Children Listen to My Parenting Advice?
What if your decades of parenting experience isn’t useful to your adult children—not because you did anything wrong, but because they have access to parenting information you never had? Understanding this shift is the key to staying relevant while respecting them as parents.
Linda couldn't understand why her daughter bristled every time she offered helpful suggestions about the putting the baby to sleep. "I raised three children," Linda thought. "Why doesn't she value my experience?" What Linda didn't realize was that her daughter followed six sleep consultants on Instagram, had already read three books, and consulted her pediatrician. Linda's advice, no matter how well-intentioned, felt like just one more voice in an already overwhelming chorus.
Why adult children don’t want parenting advice from grandparents
Your advice isn't welcome. But it's not about you.
Today's parents live in a completely different information world than you did. They have smartphones. Parenting apps. Online communities. Research at their fingertips. Resources that simply didn't exist when you were raising children.
Think about how you made parenting decisions. You probably relied on your pediatrician, maybe a book or two, and advice from experienced parents you knew. Your instincts guided most choices because detailed information wasn't available. That was enough.
Now? Parents can research any question in seconds. They get dozens of perspectives, often conflicting. One article says one thing. Another says the opposite. Expert opinions vary. It's overwhelming.
Grandparents giving parenting advice—even great advice based on real experience—feels like one more voice added to an already deafening conversation. You're trying to help. They're trying to manage information overload.
Here's the harder truth. Many parents worry that "outdated" advice might mean missing crucial updates. They know recommendations have changed. Car seats work differently now. Sleep guidelines have evolved. Feeding approaches continue to shift. Your suggestion, even when reasonable, might trigger anxiety about keeping up with current information.
This creates distance when you're trying to create connection. That’s why we created New Grandparent Essentials—to give today’s grandparents practical strategies for supporting parents without adding to the overwhelm.
When grandparents should give parenting advice
Before You Give Parenting Advice: 3 Questions to Ask Yourself
These three questions can transform your relationship with your adult children:
- 1. Was I asked for this input? If parents haven't specifically asked for your opinion, they're probably not open to receiving it—no matter how valuable you think it is.
- 2. Is this about safety or preference? Safety concerns might warrant speaking up. But preferences—like how they dress the baby or which foods they introduce first—are their domain.
- 3. What's my real motivation? Be honest. Are you trying to be helpful, or are you trying to show your expertise or assert control?
Understanding why adult children don't want advice doesn't mean you have no role. It means shifting your approach.
Stop offering unsolicited guidance. Instead, become a trusted resource they seek out when they need support.
Before you speak, ask yourself three questions.
First: "Was I asked for this input?" If parents haven't specifically asked, they're probably not open to receiving it. No matter how valuable you think it is. Waiting to be asked demonstrates respect for their competence as parents.
Second: "Is this about safety or preference?" Safety concerns might warrant speaking up. But preferences? Those are parents’ domain. Things like whether the baby is wearing socks, which foods they introduce first, and what kind of bottles they use. Most parenting decisions fall into preference territory, and parents will ask for your input if they want it.
Third: "What's my real motivation?" Be honest. Are you trying to be helpful? Or are you trying to show your expertise? Maybe assert some control? Sometimes what feels like helpful advice is actually about maintaining your position as the family expert.
These three questions ensure that any advice you give is truly helpful. They transform your relationship with your adult children and help you become the supportive grandparent they need.
How grandparents can share parenting wisdom without criticism
When your adult children do ask for input, how you share matters as much as what you share.
Frame your wisdom as stories, not instructions.
Instead of "You should put the baby down for a nap at this time," try this: "I noticed Emma has trouble settling for her morning nap. Would you be interested in a trick I used for naptime struggles?"
See the difference? You're acknowledging their observations. Offering your experience as a resource, not a directive.
Share your mistakes too. "I used to worry about following every rule perfectly. It made me so anxious. I wish I'd trusted my instincts more." This gives perspective without implying they're making your same mistakes.
Acknowledge that things have changed. "Approaches were different when I was parenting. I'm curious why the current recommendation changed." This shows genuine interest in learning rather than defending your way as the only correct way.
When you say "here's what worked for me" instead of "here's what you should do," parents can take what fits and leave what doesn't. No rejection of your entire parenting legacy required.
The right time for grandparents to give parenting advice
Here's the irony: the less you push advice, the more they'll ask for it.
When they know you respect their autonomy? When you won't judge their choices? They feel safe asking questions and exploring perspectives with you.
Build trust by supporting their decisions even when you'd choose differently.
Follow their screen time preferences.
Support their discipline approaches.
Embrace their meal routines.
When they see you can be trusted with the small stuff, they'll come to you with the big questions.
Listen more than you speak. Sometimes parents just need to process thoughts aloud. They're not looking for solutions. When you provide that listening space without jumping to advice, you become someone they'll turn to when they genuinely need input.
Celebrate what they're doing well. Notice their effective strategies. Look for positive outcomes from their approach. And then tell them that you see how well they are handling parenthood. Parents who feel affirmed in their successes are more open to feedback about challenges than those who primarily hear criticism.
Why unsolicited parenting advice feels hurtful to adult children
From your perspective, sharing wisdom is an act of love.
From their perspective? It can feel like criticism of their competence.
Every unrequested piece of advice carries an implied message. "I can see something you're missing." Or "You need my help because you don't know what you're doing." You don't intend these messages. But that's often how advice lands when it's not requested.
This dynamic hits especially hard for new parents. They're already feeling uncertain and overwhelmed. They are working to establish confidence in their new role. Unsolicited advice—even gentle suggestions—can undermine that fragile confidence.
What feels supportive from your end may confirm their fears that they're not capable.
This explains why they become defensive or withdraw. They're not rejecting you personally. They're protecting their developing identity as competent parents who can handle their responsibilities.
How to build trust so your adult children value your advice
“Your most important role isn’t giving advice—it’s providing unconditional support and love for both your adult children and grandchildren.”
The strongest grandparent-parent relationships aren't built on advice-giving. They're built on trust, respect, and genuine partnership.
Focus on this foundation. Opportunities to share wisdom will emerge naturally in ways parents actually welcome.
Remember Linda from the beginning? Once she understood why her daughter seemed resistant to advice, she changed her approach. She stopped offering sleep suggestions unless asked. She started asking questions about what her daughter was trying. When her daughter mentioned feeling exhausted and confused by conflicting information, Linda simply listened. Two weeks later, her daughter called and asked, "Mom, what did you do when I wouldn't nap?" That conversation—the one her daughter initiated—strengthened their relationship in a way that all Linda's previous advice never could.
The best thing you can do is show consistent respect for their parenting decisions, especially the ones you'd handle differently. When parents see you'll follow their guidelines even when you disagree, they trust that any advice comes from respect, not control.
Be curious about their reasoning. Ask "Help me understand how you're thinking about this" rather than immediately offering alternatives. This shows you value their thought process. You're not just waiting for a chance to correct them.
Offer practical support that makes their lives easier. Help with household tasks. Provide childcare that follows their preferences. Simply be present without judgment. These actions build the relationship that makes your occasional input truly valuable.
Your most important role isn't giving advice. It's providing unconditional support and love for both your adult children and grandchildren. When you prioritize that role, the advice you do share becomes part of a trusted relationship rather than an unwelcome intrusion.
FAQs About Giving Parenting Advice as a Grandparent
Grandparents often struggle with knowing when and how to share their parenting experience. Here are answers to some of the most common questions about offering parenting advice.
Should grandparents give parenting advice to adult children?
Grandparents should give advice mainly when asked, or if a clear safety issue is at stake. Unsolicited advice—even well-meant suggestions—can feel like criticism to parents who are trying to build confidence. Focusing on support and respect creates the trust that makes your wisdom more welcome.
How do I know if my adult children want my parenting advice?
The clearest sign is when they ask directly. Other signs include bringing up parenting challenges, following up on something you’ve mentioned before, or telling you they value your perspective. If they don’t ask, they may just need listening and encouragement instead of solutions.
What’s the difference between advice and support as a grandparent?
Advice tells parents what you think they should do. Support helps them feel capable of making their own decisions. For example, saying “You should give her a bottle now” is advice. Saying “Would you like me to hold her while you get a bottle?” is support. Parents need your encouragement and presence more than constant direction.
What’s the best way for grandparents to share parenting experience?
Share stories, not instructions. Use phrases like “Here’s what worked for me” instead of “You should do this.” Show curiosity about their choices, acknowledge that recommendations have changed, and only add your perspective if they’re open to it.
Why does my daughter get defensive when I try to help?
Unsolicited advice can feel like you’re questioning her ability. New parents are building confidence, and every unasked-for suggestion—even gentle ones—can feel undermining. Show her you respect her decisions, and she’ll be more open to hearing your experience over time.
Ready to become the grandparent your adult children turn to for support? New Grandparent Essentials gives you the tools to understand modern parenting approaches, communicate without creating conflict, and build relationships where your experience is valued. Stop walking on eggshells and start enjoying the close, rewarding family connections you've always wanted.
