4 Ways to Show New Parents You Care
New parents need love and encouragement, but grandparents often focus all their efforts on the new baby. Showing love for your grandchildren shouldn’t replace showing love for your children, so here are some simple ways to show new parents how much you care.
Deep. Endless. Blissful. Magical.
These are some of the words grandparents used to describe their love for their grandchildren. If you are a grandparent, you know even these words don’t capture how you feel about the little people you’ve been blessed with.
Your grandchildren have changed your life for the better. They are teaching you a whole new kind of love, and you are finding myriad ways to show them how much they mean to you.
You plan your time together to make sure it’s centered on them. You take pains to know which superhero they love and which foods are their favorites. Whether it’s making silly faces together or playing games over video chat, care packages you send filled with activities or taking them for ice cream (with sprinkles!), you want to make sure they know you think the world of them, and that you are thinking about them often.
These aren’t selfless acts—the joy this brings us is immense. Each smile, each “I love you!”, each “That’s my favorite!” fills our hearts and souls in a way almost nothing else can. The love they offer is so uncomplicated! The payoff for each small thing we do seems completely out of proportion for the effort we extend.
But are you forgetting something? Or rather, someone?
Too often, we are so focused on the delight that loving our grandchildren brings that we shift all of our attention to them. In doing so, we neglect an equally important relationship: the one with their parents.
Even though they are now adults in charge of their own family, your children still need the love only you can give them. Parenting is hard from day one, and parents need all the emotional support they can get. If you have any memories of your own days as a young parent, you probably remember the exhaustion, uncertainty and regular overwhelm that were part of your days.
Wouldn’t an occasional reminder that your parents loved you have been welcome? Even more so if it came from your in-laws!
Make it a regular part of your grandparenting efforts to show your children how much you love them. Send them a card out of the blue, or arrive with a special surprise for them. Spend time talking to them about something other than the grandchildren. Ask them about their current favorites! Probably not their favorite superhero, but their latest favorite Netflix show or recipe or book they’ve read. Like your grandchildren, it only takes a little effort to make sure they know you love them, too.
Here are four simple ways to show love and support for new parents:
1. Offer to help out—the right way
Don’t just say, “Let me know if I can help.” Very few people will ever take you up on such an offer, and your own children are probably less likely to do so. Rather, suggest specific ways you could help. Of course, this can be tricky, because there is always the risk that your offer will be translated as a criticism. If you were to say, “I’d love to pay for a housecleaning service”, there is every chance that what your kids will hear is “You guys are terrible housekeepers.”
Try saying something like this: “I’d love to do something to help lighten your load. Would you be interested in some help with laundry, or housekeeping, or maybe a meal service?” Or “I remember how hard it is to have any time to yourself and I’d love to do something to help you. Can I pay for a sitter or watch the baby so you can go get a massage or coffee with a friend?”
There are more ways to help new parents in this post, but make sure your offer to help is presented in a judgement-free way. “I stumbled on an article about family sleep consultants. Did you know they existed? Look into it and see if it’s something that might interest you—I’d be happy to help cover the cost. I wish I’d know about them when I had little ones!” This is more likely to succeed than, “It must be hard (judgement alert!) to have Harvey still waking up so much at night. Let me hire a sleep consultant to get him sorted out.”
2. Send them a surprise
Everyone loves an unexpected gift. This can be as simple as a postcard with an inspirational quote or as fancy as a box of spa products. If you worry about buying something they won’t appreciate, ask them to fill out this cheat sheet. Or try the “Old Navy is having a sale on summer dresses/flannel shirts/slippers—if you let me know what size, I’d love to buy you one!”
Look and listen for ways to do something random and thoughtful. When my son was without power for several days and relying on the family’s gas grill to cook, not really sure when the propane would give out, my husband sent him a propane gauge, a $17 male declaration of “I love you.”
3. Compliment them
A heartfelt compliment can go a long way towards making someone feel loved. What sort of compliments are best? Anything that reinforces what they feel is important, which, right now, is probably their parenting. As one mother shared with me, “The best compliment I have gotten is when my in-laws find research or an article that supports a parenting decision we have made, and then they share it with us and say we are doing a good job.”
4. Use your words
Yes, just as you told them when they were four years old, remember to use your words. Tell them you love them, that you support them, and that they are important to you. Tell them you are proud of them, that they are succeeding at being parents, and that you are there for them if they ever need you.
The payoff probably won’t be in the form of spontaneous hugs and radiant smiles, but making an effort to honor the relationships with your adult children will create a spirit of partnership that can only strengthen your bond to your grandchildren. While you are at it, make sure you are do the same for all of your children—even the ones who haven’t blessed you with grandchildren!
Do you have other suggestions? Please share them in the comments!