What Happened When I Stopped Bringing My Grandchildren Gifts
Standing in my closet with a potential gift in hand, I had a startling realization: if I kept bringing something every visit, would my grandchildren eventually greet me with "What did you bring me?" instead of "I missed you!"? That moment changed everything about how I approach giving my grandchildren gifts—and the results surprised me.
While I was packing to visit my grandchildren a few years ago, I decided I should pack a small gift for each of them. While I was debating what it should be, I had a thought:
If I show up with a gift every time I see them, how long will it be before I’m greeted with "What did you bring me?" instead of "DeeDee! I missed you!"
When grandparent gift-giving becomes pressure instead of love
I wanted them to be happy to see me and their Pops for ourselves. At two and four years old, they were still young enough that they were. I realized how easy it would be to slip into a habit that would change that.
This wasn't just about gifts. It was about something much deeper: how I wanted to show up as a grandmother.
I want to be the kind of grandmother my grandchildren will remember fondly, the one who makes their childhood magical. But in that moment in my closet, I had to ask myself: Would bringing gifts make that happen, or would it become a crutch that would make it harder to connect instead of easier?
Why grandparents compare gift-giving (and why it hurts relationships)
Part of my gift-giving impulse came from watching other grandparents. When I’m traveling with friends or shopping with another grandmother, they are continually buying things for their grandchildren. It’s ingrained in us that buying things for our grandchildren is one of a grandparent’s greatest joys. But who is the joy for? Us, or them?
Some grandparents find themselves comparing themselves to the other grandparents. If Grandma Susan brought three things, shouldn't you bring at least two? If your friend's granddaughter got an expensive toy for a random Tuesday, what does that say about your commitment to your own grandchildren?
This comparison trap is exhausting and ultimately meaningless. Each family is different, each relationship is unique, and each grandparent-grandchild bond develops in its own way. Yet it's so easy to fall into the pattern of measuring our love by external standards rather than by the genuine connections we're building.
Hidden motivations: why grandparents can't stop buying gifts
After sharing my story with other grandparents, I've learned that many of us struggle with similar patterns around gift-giving. When I asked them to be honest about their motivations, their answers revealed some uncomfortable truths.
"I just love shopping for them," admits Sarah, whose five grandchildren live nearby. "There's something deeply satisfying about imagining their faces when they see something special. But I also have to admit that buying gifts makes me feel good about myself as a grandparent. It's tangible proof of my love that I can point to."
Many grandparents describe the irresistible pull of seeing something perfect. Vivian tells me, "I'll be walking through Target and see a book about dinosaurs, and I just know my grandson would love it. How can I resist when I can practically see his excitement?"
For grandparents with long-distance grandchildren, gifts often feel like the primary way to maintain connection. Janet, whose grandchildren live across the country, explains: "When you can't be there for bedtime stories or playground visits, a package in the mail becomes a way to say 'I'm thinking of you' across the miles. Sometimes it feels like it's all I can do."
Financial concerns drive other grandparents to shop. Ricardo remembers his own lean years as a young parent and wants to provide what he couldn't give his own children back then. "I see my daughter trying to save money, and I think about all the things I couldn't afford when she was little. I want to give my grandkids what I couldn't give her."
Linda's situation is different but equally common: "I had very little when I was raising my family, and sometimes I forget that my son is in a much better financial position now. I still want to make sure those kids have everything they need."
These motivations aren't wrong, but they can lead grandparents into patterns that don't actually serve their families well.
What I discovered about showing love without gifts
That day in my closet, I made a decision that felt rebellious at the time but has proven to be one of the best choices I've made as a grandparent. I put the potential gift back on the shelf and went to visit my grandchildren empty-handed.
And you know what happened? They were thrilled to see me. They ran to the door with genuine excitement, throwing their arms around me. Without gifts to get in the way, my empty arms were ready to hug them back.
This experience proved that my grandchildren's love for me isn't conditional on what I bring them. They love me for the time I spend listening to their stories, the way I get down on the floor to build blocks with them, and the attention I give to things that matter to them. They love me for being present, not for what I can give them.
What grandchildren actually value most (it's not gifts)
Other grandparents who have stepped away from the gift-giving cycle began to notice the same thing: It wasn't the toys or treats their grandchildren actually valued—it was the experiences they shared and the undivided attention they gave them.
Vivian’s grandson doesn't talk about the toys she’s bought him over the years, but he frequently mentions the time they spent an entire afternoon building the "world's longest" train track through multiple rooms of the house. Linda’s granddaughter doesn't remember specific outfits she’s given her, but she lights up when they talk about the day they made cookies together and she got to crack all the eggs herself.
The most valuable thing you can give your grandchildren isn’t something you can purchase at a store. It’s your presence, your patience, and your willingness to enter their world on their terms.
How I redefined when to give my grandchildren gifts
This doesn't mean I never give gifts anymore. But I've become much more intentional about when and why I give them. Gifts now mark truly special occasions—birthdays, holidays, major milestones—rather than being a regular feature of every visit. And I don’t buy multiple gifts for holidays: one gift for each grandchild, plus a book. The math of multiple gifts from each person quickly becomes alarming.
The one time I do indulge my selfish desire to buy them meaningless gifts is when they visit each summer. I prepare a “welcome bucket” for each child that is filled with treats and little surprises. It’s become a tradition they look forward to, and helps curb my impulse to overindulge them the rest of the year. (I’ve started preparing welcome buckets for the adults in the family, who love them just as much!)
Other grandparents may channel their desire to give gifts by bring something consumable or experience-based. They might bring special art supplies for a project to do together, ingredients for a recipe to cook as a team, or books they can read together during their visit.
These gifts create shared experiences rather than adding to the pile of possessions in their rooms. They're tools for connection rather than substitutes for it.
The surprising way less gift-giving improves family dynamics
What surprises grandparents most about making this shift was how it affects not just their relationship with their grandchildren, but also their relationship with their grandchild’s parents. When you stop arriving with gift after gift, the stress level around your visits noticeably decreases.
The sheer amount of stuff from over-indulgent grandparents is often a strain on the parent-grandparent relationship. “We don’t need 45 stuffed animals that only the dog carries around!” said one, whose mother arrives every few days with a new toy.
When parents no longer have to worry about where to put everything or how to manage their children's expectations, they began to trust that the grandparents’ visits would support their parenting efforts rather than complicate them.
Overcoming the emotional challenge of giving fewer gifts
The shift away from constant gift-giving isn't easy for most grandparents. There's something deeply satisfying about seeing a child's face light up when they receive an unexpected gift, and shopping for grandchildren genuinely brings joy to many.
For long-distance grandparents like Janet, this transition can feel particularly challenging. "When you can't share daily moments, sending a package feels like reaching across the distance to touch their lives," she explains. Janet had to learn that her grandchildren are just as delighted to receive a letter from her, and that a card is an easy way to let them know she's thinking of them. Now she realizes that phone calls where she listens to them or reads them a story create more meaningful connection than any mailed gift.
Ricardo had to examine his assumptions about what his adult children could and couldn't afford. "Just because I remembered struggling as a young parent didn't mean my daughter was in the same situation. In fact, by constantly buying things for her kids, I was inadvertently suggesting that I didn't trust her to provide what they needed."
Many grandparents have found creative outlets for their shopping impulses. Sarah now donates purchases to families who truly need them, getting the satisfaction of shopping and helping without creating problems for her own family. When Vivian sees something she knows her grandchildren would love, she's learned to pause and ask herself: "Is this about them, or is this about me?" Sometimes she takes a photo and texts it to their parents, saying "This made me think of Jake!" without feeling compelled to buy it. Even better, she’s started a savings account and makes a deposit of what she would have spent on a gift each time she doesn’t buy something.
These grandparents have also learned to appreciate different kinds of reactions from their grandchildren. Instead of looking for the excitement that comes with unwrapping presents, they watch for the quieter satisfaction children show when they accomplish something together or when they feel truly heard and understood.
The deeper connection I built when I stopped focusing on gifts
The magic grandparents try to create through gifts pales in comparison to the magic that exists when we're fully present with our grandchildren. When we are not focused on their reaction to something we've brought, we can focus entirely on them—their interests, their questions, their developing personalities.
This has led to deeper conversations, more creative play, and stronger bonds. My grandchildren seek me out not because I might have something for them, but because they enjoy my company. They share their secrets, ask for my advice, and want me involved in their imaginative games.
This is the kind of relationship I really wanted all along. I feel lucky to have recognized early on that my gift-giving might actually prevent it from developing.
The most important gift grandparents can give
Every grandparent's journey is different, and every family has its own dynamics around gifts and expectations. I'm not suggesting that all gift-giving is problematic or that every grandparent should take the same approach I have.
But I am suggesting that it's worth examining our motivations and being honest about whether our gift-giving is serving our grandchildren and their families—or just serving our own emotions.
The greatest gift we can give our grandchildren isn't something that comes wrapped in pretty paper. It's our intentional presence, our unconditional love, and our commitment to supporting the family they're growing up in. These gifts don't require any shopping, but they do require something perhaps more valuable: our conscious choice to prioritize relationship over recognition, connection over consumption.
That moment in my closet taught me that sometimes the most loving thing we can do is to show up with empty hands and a full heart, ready to receive whatever our grandchildren want to share with us. That’s the best gift we can give them—and it's the most rewarding one for us, too.
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