The Maternal Grandmother Advantage: What Research Shows (and What It Means for You)
Research has a name for why maternal grandmothers often feel closer to grandchildren than anyone else, but it's not what most people assume. Understanding it changes what every grandparent can actually do about it.
When Susan's son called to say his wife was pregnant, Susan cried. She started planning immediately: what she'd make for the freezer, which room she'd stay in during the first weeks, what she'd be called. She'd been a hands-on grandmother to her daughter's children for three years and assumed it would feel the same.
It didn't. Not at first. Her daughter-in-law was warm but private. The calls came less often. When something happened with the baby, her son's wife called her own mother first. Susan wasn't excluded, but it felt that way.
She's not alone. Researchers have a name for what she was experiencing.
What is the maternal grandmother advantage?
The maternal grandmother advantage, sometimes called matrilineal advantage, describes a consistent pattern in family research. Grandchildren tend to be closer to their maternal grandparents, and especially to their maternal grandmother, than to their paternal grandparents. The pattern shows up across decades of studies, across countries and across cultures.
A 2023 YouGov poll of American adults confirmed it's still holding. Respondents rated relationships with their mother's side of the family more favorably than their father's side—a finding that held even when the maternal grandparents lived farther away.
That's the pattern. But the pattern isn't the interesting part. The interesting part is why it exists. Because once you understand that, the whole picture changes.
What the research actually found — and what it didn't
The foundational study on this topic was published in The Gerontologist in 2000 by researchers Chan and Elder, using data from the Iowa Youth and Families Project. What they found was specific and, for many grandparents, genuinely surprising.
The matrilineal advantage doesn't come directly from grandparents at all. It comes from the generation in the middle.
Better relationships between mothers and their own parents—particularly their own mothers—lead to closer ties between grandchildren and maternal grandparents. The same mechanism works in reverse: when fathers maintain strong ties to their own parents, paternal grandparents benefit, too. The overall pattern favors the maternal line not because maternal grandmothers are doing something paternal grandparents aren't, but because mothers more consistently maintain close relationships with their own parents and pass those connections on.
In other words: the grandparent-grandchild relationship runs largely through the parent. That single finding reframes everything.
Why the pattern exists: it's not biology, it's the middle generation
The sociological explanation for why mothers maintain stronger ties to their own parents comes down to what researchers call "kin-keeping": the ongoing work of maintaining family bonds. Scheduling visits, sharing family news, planning gatherings, keeping relationships warm. Historically and still today, that work falls more heavily on women.
When a new mother leans on her own mother for support—which she's more likely to do, because that relationship is typically closer and longer-established—the maternal grandmother gets more access. More access means more time. More time builds the relationship.
It's not that paternal grandparents are liked less. It's that the infrastructure of the relationship is built differently. Mother-daughter pairs tend to have more frequent contact, more emotional support, and more shared advice than other parent-adult child combinations. That closeness doesn't disappear when the daughter becomes a mother herself. It deepens, and it shapes who the new baby grows up knowing best.
This also explains why the advantage is narrowing. As fathers take on more kin-keeping responsibilities, paternal grandparents gain more natural access. Recent research suggests the gap, while still real, is smaller than it was a generation ago. It's not fixed. It moves with the family.
Does the maternal grandmother advantage still hold today?
Yes, but a pattern isn't a destiny.
Think about how weather forecasts work. When meteorologists say there's a 70% chance of rain, they're describing what tends to happen under certain conditions. They're not telling you it will rain on you. You might carry an umbrella all day and never need it. The forecast describes the chances, but you have ways of staying dry.
The matrilineal advantage works the same way. It describes what tends to happen across thousands of families, not what will happen in yours.
Real families regularly defy the pattern. Paternal grandparents who build genuine, warm relationships with their daughters-in-law often close the gap entirely. Fathers who stay actively involved in maintaining family connections—making calls, planning visits, keeping relationships warm—create the same kind of bridge that mothers typically maintain with their own parents. And in families where the maternal grandmother is unavailable, geographically distant, or simply not close with her daughter, paternal grandparents frequently step into a primary role without anyone planning it that way.
The research describes a tendency, not a sentence. Which side of the family tree you're on shapes the odds. It doesn't determine the outcome.
What this means if you're a paternal grandparent
Susan's experience is common. It can feel like a structural disadvantage, and in some ways, it is. But the research points to exactly where the leverage is: your relationship with your son's partner.
A warm, respectful relationship with your daughter-in-law is the single most direct path to closeness with her children. Not because you're earning access through her, but because she's the one most likely to facilitate the relationship (or not). When she trusts you, feels respected by you, and genuinely enjoys your presence, the calls come more often. The visits extend. Your grandchild grows up hearing your name said warmly.
This isn't about winning her over. It's about genuinely investing in the relationship on its own terms—not as a strategy, but because she matters to your family. For more on building that foundation, the post on building a positive relationship with your daughter-in-law gets into the specifics of how that actually works.
Your son matters, too. When fathers stay actively connected to their own parents by returning calls, planning visits, and keeping the relationship warm, they create the same kind of bridge that mothers naturally maintain with their own families. Encourage that without making it a point of pressure. And keep showing up, consistently, in whatever way you're welcomed.
What this means if you're a maternal grandparent
The research may feel validating, but it's worth considering the responsibility that comes with it. If your daughter is the one bridging the relationship between her children and their paternal grandparents, you have some influence over how generously that bridge gets built.
Grandparents on both sides benefit when they're not positioned as competitors. If you're the one your grandchild's mother calls first, you're also in a position to speak warmly about the other grandparents, to encourage those relationships, and to avoid—even subtly—making yourself the standard everyone else is measured against. Investing in your own relationship with the other grandparents benefits the entire family.
Your position is a privilege. Use it well.
What every grandparent can do to build a closer relationship
Whether you're on the maternal or paternal side, the research points to the same practical truth: the grandparent-grandchild relationship is built through consistency, not proximity, and through warmth with the parents, not around them.
How often you see your grandchildren matters less than what happens when you do. Repeated, reliable, enjoyable experiences are what grandchildren remember and return to. The grandmother who always has a new story to read. The grandfather who takes them for donuts on Fridays. The grandparent who remembers their friends’ names and listens to their stories. Biology doesn't determine which grandparent a child feels closest to. Consistency does.
Susan eventually found her rhythm with her grandson. It took longer than it did with her daughter's children, and it looked different. But it's hers. She didn't wait for the relationship to happen to her: she built it, one visit at a time.
That's available to every grandparent who wants it.
Ready to build more moments that stick? Connection Sparks gives you over 400 ways to connect with your grandchild — no special occasion required.
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