Competing with the Other Grandparents
Feel like the other grandparents get more time, more say, or more hugs? Learn why grandchildren don't rank the people who love them, what score-keeping costs your adult children, and how to get along with the other grandparents, even at the holidays.
Updated September, 2026
When my granddaughter was three, she called me Grandma more than once. She usually corrected herself, but I didn't make a big deal out of it either way. We both knew I'm DeeDee. Grandma is her other grandmother.
She loves Grandma. She loves me. And if her three-year-old mind confused two people who love her dearly, she's human. (There is fascinating research on the way we confuse the names of family members, and dogs, but not cats!)
My grandchildren had, somewhat quaintly, just four grandparents. Many of our friends have grandchildren with multiple sets. One of our best friends, Stu, is one of four grandfathers to his grandchildren: Stu, his son-in-law's father, and his step-daughter's father and his husband. That's a lot of names for Grandpa for those kids to keep straight.
I suspect many of you have Other Grandparents in your life. If you are lucky, as I am, they are lovely people with whom you feel fortunate to share grandchildren. But even in the best circumstances, it's inevitable that you will sometimes feel jealous or left out. It's human nature.
Why competing with the other grandparents feels so natural
When you love your grandchildren as fiercely as you do, it's hard not to notice what the other grandparents have that you don't. They live closer. They can afford bigger gifts. They see the grandchildren every week while you see them every few months. They were there for the first steps and you heard about it on a group text.
Feelings of jealousy, inadequacy, or competitiveness show how much you care about your role in your grandchildren's lives, and how afraid you are of missing out on it. Understanding why you feel this way doesn't excuse score-keeping, but it does make the feelings easier to manage.
What score-keeping actually looks like
It helps to be honest with yourself about this part. Grandparent jealousy starts being a problem when it stops being a private feeling and shows up in your behavior. Score-keeping looks like this:
Commenting on the gifts the other grandparents give
Pointing out that the grandchildren seem closer to them
Pushing for equal time as though grandparenting were a custody arrangement rather than a relationship
Framing every visit as something that needs to be balanced against the last one
Keeping a mental tally of how many weekends the other grandparents had versus how many you had
None of those things feel like score-keeping when you are doing them. They feel like reasonable observations, or honest expressions of how left out you feel. But the parents in the middle hear them as pressure.
What grandparent jealousy does to the parents in the middle
This part is hard to see when you're focused on your own feelings: When you keep score out loud, your adult child is the one who absorbs it.
They're already navigating the logistics of more than one set of grandparents, more than one set of expectations, more than one set of feelings. When one grandparent regularly signals that they're tracking time and coming up short, parents feel guilty for something they can't fully control. The closeness between their children and the other grandparents isn't something they manufactured: it often comes down to geography, schedules, personality, or simple circumstance. When you make that closeness into a grievance, you're asking them to fix something that isn't broken.
Parents who hear constant comparisons about whose turn it is, whose gifts were more generous, or who seems to be the favorite find it exhausting, as one parent shared with me recently. Baby Aiden was about to turn a year old. His mother, Emily, was excited about the milestone but was dreading the celebration. "Christmas was a nightmare thanks to the grandparents," she told me. "I know there's no way to not invite them, so I'm tempted to just skip having a party."
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She wasn't upset by the over-indulgence or boundary-ignoring that parents usually mention when they complain about grandparents. It was the way the grandparents acted with each other: her divorced parents couldn't stop sniping at one another, her step-parents made no effort to be civil to the other grandparents, and her in-laws seemed to think grandparenting was a competition for the baby's love and attention.
If you're a parent navigating grandparent jealousy or competition in your family, Understanding Grandparents was written for you. It covers the psychology behind why grandparents behave this way, how to tell the difference between normal friction and behavior that needs addressing, and word-for-word scripts for the conversations you're dreading. $17.
Does it matter if one set of grandparents is favored?
Honestly, no, and here’s why:
It isn't one or the other. A child's capacity to love is endless. They are fully capable of loving every grandparent who treats them and those they love with kindness and respect. If you are one of those people, you will be loved. This doesn't mean they won't have a favorite, but that is more dependent on the child's needs at any stage than on how hard a grandparent is trying. Just as most children go through stages where they prefer one parent, they may favor one grandparent over another for a time. That will change as they grow and have different needs.
Children's love can't be bought. While a child may be dazzled by the grandmother who supplies an endless supply of fancy gifts, generosity is not one of the factors that predict
a close grandparent-grandchild relationship. These factors are physical proximity, frequency of contact (including virtual), grandparents' roles in the family, the expectation of a close relationship, emotional bonding and sharing values. These take no money, and most can be achieved even from a distance.
There is no such thing as too much love. If your grandchildren are lucky enough to have multiple grandparents who want to be a part of their lives, be happy for them. We should all be so fortunate.
Competing with the other grandparents during the holidays
If there is a season built for score-keeping, it's the holidays. Time gets divided into days and hours. Gifts get opened side by side. Someone gets Christmas morning, and someone else gets the weekend after.
Remember who is doing the dividing. Your adult children are balancing two or more families, their little ones' naps and moods, and their own hopes for family traditions. When they spend Thanksgiving with the other grandparents, they're making the plan that works for their family this year. Next year's plan may look different.
In our family, the other grandmother and I alternate. One year we get Thanksgiving and she gets Christmas, and the next year we switch. Some years we travel to our grandchildren's house, and some years they travel to one of us. It's a rhythm that lets everyone plan ahead, and no one has to wonder whose turn it is.
If you feel a pang of disappointment, and you probably will, give yourself time to feel it privately before you respond. Then answer with an offer instead of a complaint.
Don't try to match the other grandparents' celebration. Make one that is yours. A long-distance grandparent might host a New Year's weekend every January. A grandparent on a budget might make a simple photo book of the year. Neither has anything to do with who gave the bigger gift. If you need ideas, start with these holiday traditions to begin with your grandchildren.
And if the season doesn't go the way you hoped, these ideas for handling holiday disappointment can help. For more help planning a season that works for the whole family, see A Grandparent's Guide to Happy Holidays.
Why it's important to maintain a good relationship with the other grandparents
Being on good terms with the other grandparents in your grandchild's life is an important way to support your grandchild and their parents.
Each of a child’s grandparents is valuable to your grandchild. Usually, each one also wants to have the same close and special bond that you hope for with your grand. In other words, being a grandparent is not about you. Recognizing that you are part of a team is the first step of providing life-long support for your grandchild and their parents.
What's the secret of successful teams? Working together, instead of competing with one another.
If you are lucky, you can get your children to marry your best friend's offspring. That will guarantee you like the other grandparents! And while that sometimes happens, more often the grandparent team is assembled from people who wouldn't normally hang out together. (In fact, in some cases, the team includes someone who has specifically chosen to remove another member from their life!) While it can be a challenge to navigate co-grandparenting, it's important to make your best effort.
There are a lot of reasons why it's important to maintain a good relationship with your grandchild's other grandparents. The main one is your grandchild, and here's why.
Your grandchild will benefit from having a positive relationship with all of their grandparents.
Your grandchild will have the opportunity to learn about their family history and culture from every grandparent.
A good relationship with the other grandparents can provide a sense of security and belonging for your grandchild—they notice how you treat one another, and feel uneasy when there is strife.
It is far more enjoyable for everyone to spend time together when they are a united, harmonious extended family.
Maintaining a good relationship with the other grandparents can help to minimize any potential conflicts or misunderstandings.
It can be fulfilling and rewarding to have a close and positive relationship with your grandchild's other grandparents—after all, you are all members of the same fan club!
How to foster a friendly relationship with the other grandparents
Fostering a friendly relationship with the other grandparents is an important part of being a good grandparent. 'Fine,' you say, 'but I barely know the other grandparents! We live in different states and never see one another!'
That doesn't mean you can't have a good relationship with them. If you don't live near them, here are some ways to foster a good relationship with your grandchild's other grandparents:
Communicate regularly: Keep in touch with the other grandparents through phone calls, text messages, or emails. This can help keep everyone updated on the grandchild's development and allow you to share special moments.
Plan visits: If possible, try to schedule visits with the grandchild and the other grandparents. This can be a great way to spend time together and strengthen your relationship.
Share photos and updates: Share photos and updates about the grandchild with the other grandparents. This can help them feel more connected to the grandchild and allow them to feel involved in their life.
If you do live near the other grands, there are more opportunities to build a friendship with them.
Make an effort to get along: Even if you don't always see eye-to-eye with the other grandparents, try to be respectful and make an effort to get along. Remember that the most important thing is the well-being of the grandchild.
Offer to help: If the other grandparents need help with childcare or other tasks related to the grandchild, offer to assist. This can be a great way to show your support and strengthen your relationship. (Note: help doesn't need to be limited to matters involving your grandchild!)
Celebrate special occasions: Make sure to celebrate special occasions with the grandchild and the other grandparents, without trying to compete. The memories you create will strengthen family bonds.
How to stop keeping score and focus on what's yours
There is only one real path to success here: focus on your own relationship with your grandchild, and let the other grandparents focus on theirs. Be the best grandparent you can be, whatever your circumstances, and you will be a loved and important part of your grandchild's team.
That means being a good member of that team, which includes treating the other grandparents with the same respect you'd want extended to you. Even when the relationship with them is complicated. Even when the other grandparents include an ex. Score-keeping never makes family gatherings easier, makes parents feel supported, or makes grandchildren feel safe. Taking the high road makes more room for everyone to love them.
The rules we try to teach our grandchildren apply here too: Share nicely. Play fair. Don't be mean.
They'll love you for it.
Frequently asked questions
What if the other grandparents live closer?
Then they will probably see your grandchildren more often, and that's okay. Physical proximity is one of the factors that predicts a close grandparent-grandchild relationship, but frequency of contact (including video calls), your role in the family, emotional bonding, and shared values count too, and you can build every one of them from a distance. Choose a rhythm you can keep, like a weekly video call or a card in the mail, and let the other grandparents enjoy their Sunday afternoons.
What should I do if my grandchildren prefer the other grandparents?
Give it time, and try not to take it personally. Young children often prefer one grandparent for a while, the same way they go through stages of preferring one parent. That preference usually reflects what the child needs at that stage more than how hard anyone is trying. Keep showing up with kindness and attention, and don't mention the preference to parents. They can't change it, and they'll feel stuck in the middle.
How do I get along with the other grandparents if we have nothing in common?
Start with the one thing you do share: you love the same child. Send a text or photo now and then, be respectful when you're together, and offer to help when you can. You don't need to become close friends. Being friendly and civil is enough to show your grandchildren what a united extended family looks like.
How should we split the holidays with the other grandparents?
That decision belongs to the parents. Tell them you're happy to work around their plans, and suggest a flexible alternative if you won't be together on the day itself, like the weekend after or a celebration of your own. Avoid asking for equal time. Parents are balancing everyone's wishes along with their own family's needs, and your flexibility makes their season easier.
What if the other grandparents are the ones competing?
You can't control how they act, only how you respond. Don't match their gifts or their comments, and don't ask your adult children to referee. Keep your focus on your own relationship with your grandchildren, stay polite when you're together, and let your behavior show the family what cooperation looks like.
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