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Competing with the Other Grandparents

5/6/2021

2 Comments

 
Remember, you are all on the same team
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The last time I was visiting my son and his family, my granddaughter called me Grandma more than once. She usually corrected herself, but I didn’t make a big deal out of it either way. We both know I’m DeeDee. Grandma is her other grandmother.
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She loves Grandma. She loves me. And if her three-year-old mind confuses two people who love her dearly, she’s human. (There is fascinating research on the way we confuse the names of family members, and dogs, but not cats!) 

My grandchildren have, somewhat quaintly, just four grandparents. They are, against the odds, the products of two adults whose parents are still married to each other. Many of our friends have grandchildren with multiple sets of grandparents. One of our best friends, Stu, is one of four grandfathers to his grandchildren: Stu, Stu’s son-in-law’s father, and Stu’s step-daughter’s father and his husband. That’s a lot of names for Grandpa for those kids to keep straight! There are also, rather mundanely, two grandmothers.

I suspect many of you have Other Grandparents in your life. If you are lucky, as I am, they are lovely people with whom you feel fortunate to share grandchildren. But even then, it’s inevitable that you will sometimes feel jealous or left out. It’s human nature.
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So how do you deal with it if you find yourself wondering if the other grandparents are going to be the favorites because they can afford more lavish gifts, live closer, or are able to be more active in your grandchildren’s lives? What if you are dealing with jealousy, inferiority, or competitiveness—on your side or on the part of the other grandparents? This can be especially difficult if the other grandparents include ex-spouses.
There is only one real way to success: focus on your own relationship with your grandchild, and let the other grandparents focus on theirs. Be the best grandparent you can be, whatever your circumstances, and you will be a loved and important part of your grandchild’s team.
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As part of that team, here are some things to remember:

It isn’t one or the other.  A child’s capacity to love is endless. They are fully capable of loving every grandparent who treats them and those they love with kindness and respect. If you are one of those people, you will be loved. This doesn’t mean they won’t have a favorite, but that is more dependent on the child’s needs at any stage than on how hard a grandparent is trying. Just as most children go through stages where they prefer one parent, they may favor one grandparent over another for a time. That will change as they grow and have different needs.

Children’s love can’t be bought. While a child may be dazzled by the grandmother who supplies an endless supply of fancy gifts, generosity is not one of the factors that predicts a close grandparent-grandchild relationship.  These factors are physical proximity, frequency of contact (including virtual), grandparents’ roles in the family, the expectation of a close relationship, emotional bonding and sharing values. These take no money, and most can be achieved even from a distance.

There is no such thing as too much love. If your grandchildren are lucky enough to have multiple grandparents who want to be a part of their lives, be happy for them. We should all be so fortunate.

As you co-grandparent in the years ahead, no matter what your relationship is with the other grandparents, practice the rules we are trying to teach our grandchildren: Share nicely. Play fair. Don’t be mean.

They’ll love you for it.
2 Comments
Lynnae link
6/17/2021 10:56:22 am

This article is full of insight grandparents need—especially inexperienced grandparents learning to navigate their new role. I work hard to be a good grandparent. "Focus on your own relationship with your grandchild, and let the other grandparents focus on theirs" has to be the best grandparenting advice I've been given all year!

After reading, I've been pondering memories of my own childrens' relationships with their grandparents and for the first time, have come face-to-face with the reality that while their grandparents filled totally unique roles in their lives, my children were able to develop close relationships regardless of distance, amount of time spent, how fancy or not the vacation spot was, etc. The key was that the grandparents made space for my children in their own lives. They made LOTS of space. How blessed my children have been as a consequence! I can make space for more love for my own grandchildren and never worry again about quotas and comparisons. That is a burden lifted.

The quality of my relationship with my grandchild has nothing to do with competing for their attention. My grandchildren are able to form a relationship of love and connection with me that is distinct from their relationship with any other human on the planet, and all I have to do is focus on THAT. Thanks for this beautifully written article. You just made me a better grandparent.

Reply
Grandma in Texas link
1/17/2023 01:12:50 pm

Although I feel the comment made, "Focus on your own relationship with your grandchild, and let the other grandparents focus on theirs" are very wise words, sometimes situations may not be that easy when the other grandparent is fully selfish.
I am a step mom to my oldest son. Long and short of this part of the story is, while he grew up with his narcissistic mother and an abusive step father, we had never-ending CPS case going which finally resulted in us getting custody of him. The abuse didn't stop there as she continually lied to him, made him lie and guilted him into feeling as if he owed her something. Fast forward to now- he and his wife have 3 wonderful children. When we lived in a different state, he complained that his mother never was involved with his kids. When they did see her, there was always yelling and discontent. We have currently moved closer to be with our grandchildren- to now which she wants to be fully involved. She has since left the abusive husband and is saying that he was the reason she wasn't more involved. I reached out to her when we were both invited to a campout with our son. I asked to put the past behind us and to put the grandkids first. She agreed at the time but soon was back to her old tricks. First telling our grandchildren that we are bad people. Then she told them she didn't want them to hug us because it made her feel bad. I don't want to tell my son and his wife because I don't want them questioning their children and putting them in the middle. However, whenever we are at gatherings (my son said he will not have 2 events that we will just have to figure out a way to get along or miss out) she has to be first and foremost with the grandkids and then makes a spectacle that she wants to have the kids to spend the night. She brings her adult children to all events as well. My husband and I get along great with them when she isn't around. As soon as she comes around, they stop talking to us. Recently, our son asked us if we could watch their dogs when they go out of town. We said yes, but also we could watch the kids. He said his mother was (which she just had them). I spoke up and said, we would love to have the kids. He said ok I will tell my mom. Of course, a day later and he said she already made plans with them. This was a game she played when he was little as well. To which, there were never any plans, she just didn't want my son to be with us.
I feel like I am repeating my sons childhood again with my grandchildren now! I have not told my son what we know about his mother and what she said to the grandkids. He PAYS his mother to watch the kids which I have told him repeatedly that we would absolutely do it FOR FREE if he would just ask. He always says we are busy but never calls us to ask.
I am at a loss! If I speak up and say something, it may cause a rift but if I don't say anything then I am stuck here without. I would wait until the kids get older but I am missing out on them now.

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