5 Tips for New Long-Distance Grandparents
Beth was the last of her friends to become a grandmother. One by one, they joined the Grandparents Club and were suddenly busy on weekends with birthday parties, ballet recitals, and babysitting. When it was finally Beth’s turn, she was ecstatic. But shortly after her granddaughter was born, her son and daughter-in-law moved to another state. Beth’s initial joy turned to despair. How could she be a part of her granddaughter’s life from so far away?
When it comes to the things that grandparents wish they could change, the distance from their grandchildren ranks at the top. Being a long-distance grandparent often triggers disappointment, jealousy, and grief. Yet all over the world, distance grandparents are creating strong, fulfilling relationships with their grandchildren.
How do you make being a long-distance grandparent as rewarding as being closer to your grandchildren? Here are five things that will help you and your grandchildren create a close, loving relationship.
1. You are a long-distance grandparent now
First things first: start by accepting your situation. Yes, this isn’t what you thought being a grandparent would be like. Yes, you are jealous of your friends who get to pick up their grandchildren from preschool. Yes, you’re upset your adult children chose a job that took them a thousand miles away.
None of these feelings are unreasonable. But dwelling on them doesn’t leave room for playing the hand you’ve been dealt. So don’t waste energy wishing it were different. Don’t make your adult kids feel guilty for not visiting. Don’t brood over how long it’s been since you’ve seen your grandson. Instead, focus on being the best grandparent you can be in the circumstance you find yourself in.
Only after accepting can you begin to enjoy the relationship. And I promise, you can enjoy it just as much from a distance.
2. Commit to connecting with your grandchildren
If you lived near your grandchildren, you’d likely be spending time and money creating memories with them. From a distance, you can’t enjoy trips to the park or weekend family dinners. This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t carve out time during your week to connect with them though!
Make a regular date for a video chat, whether it’s daily, weekly, or monthly. Block out time on your calendar to write them letters and send them little surprises, like our suggestions in 3 Keys to Making Letters to Your Grandkids More Fun. Keep a notebook to track important details, like friends’ names and favorite books or shows. Spend time at the library looking for books to read via video chat. Invest the money you might have spent on outings for ice cream on tools that make connection easier, like these Gadgets for Long Distance Grandparents.
These things all make memories, too,
3. Look for support for long-distance grandparents
Even if you are the only one of your friends who is a long-distance grandparent, by no means are you alone. There are countless others navigating the same challenges. Luckily, there are some fantastic resources available to you.
The Long Distance Grandparent is a website full of ideas and resources. For even more support, the Long Distance Grandparent Society is a monthly membership that will make sure you never run out of ideas for connection. Members are also a supportive group of grandparents going through the same thing you are—and the monthly online meetings alone are worth the cost of the membership.
Being a Distance Grandparent by Helen Ellis covers both the emotional experience and the practicalities of long-distance grandparenting. It’s a book about being a distance grandparent, rather than a book of advice for long-distance grandparents, and it will provide a lot of comfort for anyone adjusting to their new role.
4. Make visits count
No matter how well you connect from a distance, in-person visits will always be special. If you are physically able to travel, don’t put pressure on parents to come to you. Work with them to find a time that is convenient for you to visit them—it may not be when you think.
Make your visit as pleasant as possible by staying in a hotel or AirBnB. Don’t make your visit too long, though it’s tempting to do if you have traveled a long way. Try to fit into the household: look for ways to help out, and don’t expect to be entertained.
Another tip for successful visits: don’t try to pack your time together with activity. Focus on spending time together and learning about your grandchild’s normal daily life. If they are visiting you, read 10 Ways to Make Visits from Your Grandchildren Go Smoothly. Your main goal during visits should be to get to know your grandchild better, and for them to get to know you.
One last thing: it’s not unusual for a grandchild who regularly interacts with you via video chat to be slow to warm up to you in person. Give them time and space, and enjoy watching them play without a screen between you.
5. Create rituals
Rituals are a powerful force for connection. The small acts we repeat time after time create strong ties to one another. Your ritual can be as simple as always singing the same song when you start a video call, or ending each one with the sign for “I love you”. It can be a letter that you send in a purple envelope on the fifth of every month, with the same message of love at the end. It can be a special greeting when you see each other.
As you practice small rituals and traditions with your grandchildren, you are creating a lasting legacy. Your grandchild will start to think of you every time they see a purple envelope or hear “If You’re Happy and You Know It”, and those things will trigger thoughts of you even after you are gone. Most rituals don’t cost a penny: all you need are intention and repetition. No matter what it is, the more you repeat it, the more meaningful it will become to your grandchildren.
Whether you are a distance grandparent or not, your experience as a grandparent depends on how much effort you put into the relationships with your adult children and grandchildren. If you want a close, lasting relationship with your grandchild, you need to commit to making the effort. But as long-distance grandparents around the globe will tell you, the reward for that effort is priceless.
If you are looking for ideas to build connection, check out Connection Sparks. You’ll get hundreds of ideas for ways to create a bond with your grandchild, no matter whether you are together or apart. Find out more here.