Grandparents and Doulas: Different Roles, Shared Goals
Wondering where you fit when your adult child hires a doula? Guest writer Jackie, a doula with 30+ years of experience, shares how grandparents and doulas can work as a dream team to support new families. Discover why this isn't about competition—it's about collaboration that benefits everyone involved.
Bringing a new baby into the world is a massive transition—not just for the parents, but for the whole family. Grandparents often want to be right in the middle of that moment. Navigating how to offer support in a way that benefits not just the new family, but the intergenerational relationship as well, is an investment that pays off for a lifetime.
Hi, I’m Jackie. I’ve been a doula—both birth and postpartum—for over 30 years. With four grown children of my own, I often relate more to the perspective of the grandparents than the new parents at this point. This gives me a unique perspective: I raised my kids back in the day, yet my day-to-day professional life is an immersion into the world of today’s parents.
Will your parents be helpful after having a baby?
At our prenatal visits, I always ask my clients who will be supporting them. Typical response?
Client: My parents.
Me: Great! Do you anticipate that being helpful?
Some say: Absolutely! My mom is my best friend!
Some say: Meh. Hopefully they’ll be helpful. I need help figuring out how to make this work.
Others are less kind.
With so many years of birth and new parent support, I’ve been in both labor and living rooms with grandparents hundreds of times. I’ve seen how much love and energy grandparents bring. I’ve also seen how confusing it can be when roles get blurred, expectations go unspoken, and grandparents present in the role of guests rather than helpers, visiting only for the joy of seeing the baby.
Sometimes, when a doula is hired, it stirs up questions:
Why would they pay for this when they have me?
Why would they listen to a stranger over their own family?
Where do I fit in now?
These are valid questions. The good news is, this isn’t a competition. It’s an opportunity. When everyone understands what they bring—and how they fit together—things tend to go more smoothly for the entire family.
So let’s talk openly (and lovingly) about the assets and limitations that both grandparents and doulas bring to the table. Understanding the differences doesn’t diminish either role—it highlights how both can support the family in totally different, complementary ways.
Why Grandparents and Doulas Both Matter in the Early Days After Baby
Grandparents offer something no doula ever can: history, insight, and lifelong love.
They often understand the dynamics of the family better than anyone else. They may live nearby, be available more often, and already have strong relationships with the new parents, older children, or pets. That kind of emotional investment can be a powerful anchor during a time of major change.
They’re also in it for the long haul. While my role is to work myself out of a job, a grandparent’s role stretches across a lifetime.
When that presence is paired with flexibility, humility, and a willingness to learn, it’s one of the most valuable gifts a new parent can receive.
Potential Challenges When Grandparents Support New Parents
Even with the best of intentions, I’ve seen how certain dynamics can make things complicated. Some of the most common challenges I see in birth and postpartum spaces include:
Outdated advice: Approaches to infant sleep, feeding, and healing have evolved. Common parenting practices from the past might not be what’s recommended now—and that can be hard to accept, almost feeling like a personal slight.
Unspoken expectations: Hoping to hold the baby, be celebrated, or invite close family and friends to visit are all totally normal. But if that’s not what the parents need, it can cause friction.
No training in labor or postpartum support: Most grandparents weren’t trained in how to help someone heal from birth or navigate early parenthood—and why would they be? Many of us didn’t grow up in traditional cultures, where birth and new mother care is beautifully woven into family life.
Emotional overwhelm: Watching your child in pain during labor or struggling with sleep or feeding can cause big feelings—how could it not? But when that emotion spills out, it’s often in the form of unsolicited advice and judgmental phrases like, “I didn’t do X, and you’re fine, aren’t you?” Though coming from a place of love, these create an unintentional wedge. They also undermine the parents’ confidence.
Unintentional energy drain: Your presence—especially for long hours during labor or early postpartum—can use up the new parents’ emotional energy. When they start worrying about your comfort, their own focus and reserves take a hit. You aren’t asking them to, but they love you and want you to be safe and comfortable.
The terrain of parenting has completely changed: So much so, that it may feel overwhelming, over-the-top, or even intimidating. Apps, influencers, TikTok… so many voices seem to carry as much weight as yours. It’s just not the way things have ever been before in human history. You are among the first grandparents whose children are bombarded with parenting input from strangers who live far away. So yeah—things have changed.
Given all of the above, there’s a whole lot to work through for any new grandparent. These are normal human experiences, and there’s nothing wrong with checking some of these boxes. Being aware of them makes it easier to show up in ways that actually help.
What Doulas Bring to the Birth and Postpartum Experience
Doulas come in with a different kind of role. We’re trained professionals. We don’t have a history with the family. We don’t have expectations. And we’re not trying to be part of the story—we’re there to support the people who are living it.
Here’s what I bring when I walk into a birth or postpartum space:
Neutrality: I don’t have opinions about how the baby should be fed or where they should sleep. I follow the parents’ lead and offer options.
Up-to-date knowledge: I’m trained on current practices, from physical recovery to emotional support, feeding, and the surprising bounty of unfamiliar baby care tools and products.
Non-judgmental presence: I’m not emotionally triggered if the birth plan changes or feeding is hard. And when they do something differently from how I would do it, it doesn’t feel personal at all—because it’s not my family.
Hands-on help: During labor, that might mean counterpressure or positioning to help labor progress. A thorough understanding of common hospital protocols and interventions. Postpartum, it could be setting up nests throughout the house, helping with latch, setting up breast pumps, sitz baths, and other tools.
My role as a doula has limits:
We’re not forever. Most of us are hired for a window of time—just through labor and birth for birth doulas, and just the first few weeks or months as postpartum doulas.
We’re not free. Our services cost money, which not every family has budgeted for.
Not every doula is a match for every parent or grandparent. It’s all about the match in the doula world, and usually the parents have chosen the best match for them—not the grandparents.
Doulas and Grandparents: How to Keep Support Smooth, Not Stressful
Some of my favorite families have included grandparents who were enthusiastic about the support I offer and saw me as a resource for honing their own support skills. When we’re on the same page, we make a great team.
I model. They continue. How to meet people where they are, more than anything. I’m also full of tricks of the trade and resources—kind of like an in-person version of a helpful video or book. The grandparent carries that knowledge forward between visits and eventually after I leave.
I flag needs. They meet them. I might notice that the parents are barely eating or that laundry’s piling up. The grandparent is in a perfect position to jump in with real help.
I bring information. They bring meaning. Curious grandparents are the absolute best. They absorb, put their own spin on it, and poof—magic! Their enthusiasm and interest in the how and why of the parents’ choices radiates support.
They get a break. Taking care of a laboring or newly postpartum family is no small task! You’ll be tired. It certainly wears me out! I’m there to nurture the entire family—and that includes you. I’ll make sure you eat, rest, and offer that same non-judgmental listening ear. You’re living big changes, too!
No Competition Here: Why There's Room for Both Doulas and Grandparents
Grandparents and doulas are not the same. We bring different things. And that’s the whole point.
The doula is there for the short term. The grandparent is there for the long game. One brings love, history, and future—family. The other brings expertise and presence.
Together, we bring something really powerful: steady, thoughtful care for a family in the middle of a life-changing moment.
Your presence is a gift. And when it’s offered with patience, flexibility, and teamwork, it’s one of the best gifts a new family can receive.
One offers training. One offers legacy.
At our best, the grandparent/doula combo is the dream team.
Jackie Kelleher is a longtime doula and family support expert, and the author of Nurturing the Family: A Doula’s Guide to Supporting New Parents. Through Make It Grand, she creates tools that spark connection and help people feel more supported—especially during pregnancy and early parenting.