5 Ways to Be More Present With Your Grandkids

6/17/2021

Does mindfulness fit with your goals as a grandparent?

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Finally! Covid restrictions had eased, we’d all been vaccinated, and we were going to spend a glorious six days with our grandchildren and their parents! It had been seven months since we’d seen them, and the baby had gone from a barely scooting bug to a fully walking toddler. We’d missed so much! I was determined to make the most of every day. I’d read Grandparenting: Renew, Relive, Rejoice and was committed to being fully present during the short time we’d have together.

Within a day, I realized I’d forgotten something crucial: being with small children is an endurance sport, and I’m not an endurance athlete. Trying to be fully present created an intense overload on my system, especially after the cocoon I’d been living in during Covid. So how could I use the lessons of mindfulness to deepen our relationship without ending up longing for the end of the visit? What was I doing wrong, that one day with my grandchildren left me exhausted?

That night, I reread my grandparent vision statement and Grand Plan*. No where did my grandparenting plan include being fully present at all times. What it did include was letting my grandchildren know they were important to me, and helping out my children as much as possible. I needed to take the principles of mindfulness and apply them to help me be the grandmother I wanted to be. There were five ways to be more mindful that I found fit well with my goals.

Tune in by turning off. Leaving my laptop in my room and my phone in my bag meant I wasn’t interrupted by work or friends while I was engaged with the people I’d come to see. Did it mean I sometimes missed an adorable photo I would have loved to have? Yes. But it also meant I was fully present for the cuteness. There was plenty of time for checking email or returning calls when the kids were busy with lunch, naps, or playing with each other.
Get on their level. Like many babies born during Covid, my youngest granddaughter was leery of strangers. I kept a respectful distance, but stayed where she could see me. When I was down on the floor, she could approach me when she was comfortable. It took four days before she was ready, but I got lots of cuddles on days five and six! Getting down on their level also signaled to her brother and sister that I was interested in them and ready to interact in their world.
Observe, don’t lead. I’m not a grandma who delights in hours of playing with children (I wasn’t that mother, either). But I am happy to join in if enlisted, and love every aspect of watching them play. Putting my full attention on them as they played made it possible to see every aspect of their personalities and abilities. If I had tried to direct their games, I wouldn’t have gotten as much insight into who they are.
Make one-on-one time. My daughter-in-law has had incredibly success with the strategies Dr. Laura Markham shares in her books Peaceful Parents, Happy Kids and Peaceful Parents, Happy Siblings. One of the suggestions is that each child get dedicated time with each parent every day, even if it’s only a few minutes. While we were visiting, this expanded to include me and Pops. Every day, I had “Special DeeDee Time” with each of the two older children. They got to choose the activity: reading, coloring, going for a walk, playing with cars or dress-ups. It was only about 20 minutes, but it ensured we had a chance to concentrate on each other.
KISS. This has been one of my guiding principles all my life, but it’s sometime easy to forget in the excitement of a short visit with beloved grandchildren. “Keep It Simple, Stupid” means that we can have just as much fun playing in the backyard as we can going on an exciting outing. It means lying on their bed talking about our favorite super powers is more valuable than buying them another action figure.

After that exhausting first day, I adjusted my expectations and my actions. I spent some of the time focused on the grandchildren, and some of the time folding laundry or straightening the playroom. I skipped bath time to clean up the kitchen after dinner, and took a morning to meet with a friend. I soaked up as much as I could when I was with them, but even sponges have limits! Recognizing mine, and making sure that my actions reflected my values, made the visit more rewarding for all of us.

*Do your actions as a grandparent fit with your grandparenting goals? New Grandparents Essentials can help you be the grandparent you want to be, even if you aren't a new grandparent. Start today to create your own Grandparent Vision Statement and Grand Plan!

2 Comments

Genevieve Jackman

7/5/2022 04:48:35 am

I wish I had read this blog before visiting my grandkids in Australia earlier this year ! I had not met my little grandson before due to covid and had not seen my granddaughter for 3 years !! I was there for 5 weeks staying in a 2 bed apartment in the city with my son daughter in law and 2 grandkids. My relationship with my daughter in law is strained and I still cant fathom how to rectify this ~ I know I tread on eggshells while there! I never felt comfortable with doing the early morning wake up as I worried that I just wouldn't do things correctly and would not be able to keep them quiet so mum and dad could sleep!! and I feel it was frowned on that I didn't and now on hindsight I wish I had tried and not been such a coward!!
I looked after the kids several times in the apartment but never went out on my own with them as I felt too worried as they fought with each other a lot and often misbehaved and I didn't feel confident that I could keep them safe on the roadside walks!
I stayed with them in the evenings whilst my son went to pick up his wife from work reading stories with my granddaughter and drawing with her while her young brother was in bed asleep and did several art and craft sessions with them both sometimes a bit disastrous as the 2 and a half year old was difficult to keep from splashing paint everywhere(my daughter in law is probably what most would call OCD and so was obviously not impressed at all) or irritating his sister and them ending up having a meltdown! and I I think most if not all the artwork was binned !! which I understand as it wasn't great as I wasn't firm enough in my guidance or prepared enough for the activity and I found it difficult to control how or what they did but I have always believed in letting kids free to experiment with doing their own creativity but thats easier I guess if they are well behaved and calm .
I wish things had gone differently when I had my visit but I cant turn the clock back and I wish I was more assertive and not such a coward but im not!!
Oh well ...... desperately seeking solutions for the future !

Warm wishes Genevieve

DeeDee

7/5/2022 09:16:13 am

I'm sorry you didn't find the blog earlier! I hope you'll sign up to get new posts delivered to your email, as I often cover ways to help your relationships with adult children. Always feel free to email me with specific questions or topic suggestions, too! deedee@morethangrand.com

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