Why Boundaries Are Important
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After reading Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab, my daughter-in-law offered to write a review of it for this blog. Read on to find out about boundaries and relationships, and why they are so important for grandparents.
Boundaries for relationships are like walls for a house: They provide a framework for living with others and ensure that the roof doesn’t fall in. As a grandparent, you may have been on the receiving end of boundary setting as parents try to explain how they want to raise their children. While it may feel like they are being controlling, they are actually working to improve your relationship.
When we think about how to improve our relationships, especially family relationships, it's unlikely that 'boundaries' is the first word that comes to mind. Most likely, we think of words like 'communication', 'attention', or 'love', which are all wonderful places to go. However, psychologist Nedra Glover Tawwab claims that boundaries comprise the foundation of any good relationship in her book Set Boundaries, Find Peace.
Even though 'boundaries' is a buzz word right now, many people don't know exactly what it means, which makes it difficult to understand why boundaries are important and how having better boundaries might help them. Tawwab defines boundaries as, "expectations and needs that help you feel safe and comfortable in your relationships. Expectations in relationships help you stay mentally and emotionally well. Learning when to say no and when to say yes is also an essential part of feeling comfortable when interacting with others." In other words, boundaries make you comfortable and happy in your relationships, and when you feel satisfied with your relationships, they are much more likely to be strong, sustainable connections.
To illustrate what happens when boundaries are crossed, Tawwab gives the example of a person who likes guests to remove their shoes when coming into the house (which might be a relatable problem for grandparents having young grandkids come to visit!). If this is a boundary for you, you're likely to feel resentful if your guests ignore your request, and your feelings may color the whole visit. However, when you clearly communicate the boundary and ensure that it's followed, you won't have those feelings of resentment and the visit will go more smoothly. You set the boundary to protect your carpet or your cultural beliefs, but when that boundary is respected, it positively affects your relationships as well. Boundaries aren't selfish; they're clarifying.
What Set Boundaries, Find Peace does for its readers goes far beyond convincing us of the importance of boundaries. In the book, Tawwab goes through exactly how to set them, what to do if they are repeatedly violated, and how to deal with any worries you may have about people's reactions to your boundaries. Furthermore, Nedra's book is my favorite kind of psychology book: one with exercises. At the end of each chapter, she asks the reader to explore boundary issues in a journal to help you better understand yourself and how you might apply these ideas to your life.
As a librarian, I recommend this book to anyone who is in a relationship, because anyone could benefit from learning more about boundaries, even if you are already pretty good at setting them. It's great for friends, parents, spouses, and especially grandparents. I can imagine it being particularly important for grandparents who want to set boundaries with adult children about childcare, visits, or family vacations, but want to take special care not to offend anyone. No matter your specific boundary needs, Set Boundaries, Find Peace will help you identify them and take action in order to benefit yourself and all your relationships.