When Grandparents Are Estranged from Their Grandchildren
Far too often, we get a message like this in our inbox:
“Please help with grandparent estrangement. The pain is more than I can bear some days.”
It’s so hard to get these messages, because the distress in them is so real and frightening.
Grandparent estrangement can result from a variety of reasons, and it can have serious emotional fallout for everyone involved. Grandparents can play a crucial role in a child's life, providing support, love, and stability. Being cut off from one another hurts the emotional well-being of both the child and the grandparents. Unfortunately, it is more common than ever in today’s world.
Some of the common reasons for grandparent estrangement are:
Family Conflict: The strain of ongoing conflicts or disputes within a family can result in grandparents being cut off from their grandchildren.
Divorce or Separation: Family dynamics often change significantly after a divorce or separation, which might result in reduced contact between grandparents and grandchildren. This is particularly true if the custodial parent limits access.
Geographical Distance: Physical distance can be a barrier to maintaining regular contact, especially if both grandparents and parents don’t put in the effort to overcome it.
Personal Choices: In some cases, adult grandchildren may choose to distance themselves from their grandparents for various personal reasons.
Misunderstandings or Miscommunications: Sadly, estrangement can occur over misunderstandings or miscommunications between family members. What starts as a minor misunderstanding can swell if family members don’t take steps to resolve hurt feelings and improve communication. This is one reason that we focus so intently on communication here at More Than Grand, with resources like Partnering with Parents. Getting ahead of misunderstandings is the best way to avoid them.
Grandparent estrangement hurts everyone
When grandparents are their grandchildren, no one wins. Grandparents may experience feelings of sadness, loss, and a sense of disconnection from their family. Meanwhile, grandchildren are missing out on the wisdom, guidance, and support that grandparents can provide.
It is essential to recognize that every family's situation is unique, and the reasons for estrangement can be complex and multifaceted. Reconciliation or rebuilding relationships may be possible in some cases, while in others, maintaining some level of distance might be the best approach for everyone's well-being.
Resources if you are facing grandparent estrangement
If you are experiencing grandparent estrangement, open and honest communication is a vital first step in improving the situation. Respectful dialogue, empathy, and a true willingness to understand each other's perspectives can potentially lead to a path of healing. However, it is crucial to approach the situation with sensitivity, recognizing that there may be deep-seated emotions and history at play.
The book Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them by Karl Pillemer is among the best resources for estranged grandparents. It’s full of information, solace and practical steps to mending your family’s relationships. You can order a copy here.
You’ll also want to explore the resources for estranged grandparents on Alienated Grandparents Anonymous. They have great resources on their website, and support groups all over the world. You can look for a local group here, but if there isn't one near you there are also Zoom meetings.
Dr. Joshua Coleman offers webinars and other help for estranged grandparents. Unlike Alienated Grandparents Anonymous, there is a fee for most of his resources. You can find out more here.
If the estrangement is causing significant distress and you find it difficult to navigate the situation on your own, seeking support from a family counselor or therapist is a good idea. They can give advice and assist in talking with family members to explore the issues and try to find ways to come together again.
While no one wants to end up cut off from their grandchildren, it helps to know that you aren’t alone. If you are an estranged grandparent, please take advantage of the resources out there to come to terms with the estrangement and start on the path to healing.