The Dangers of Grandparent Overconfidence
When you became a grandparent, did you ever worry about being overconfident?
Of course not!
Most of us enter this stage of life confident that we have all the experience and imagination we need to thrive in our new role and build the relationship we dream of with our grandchildren. Most of us are like the new grandparents I’m about to introduce you to.
Meet Kathy, aka Lolli
Kathy was beyond thrilled when she learned she was going to be a grandmother at the age of 67. Before the baby was even born, she started buying all the adorable baby clothes she’d had to resist for the years she’d been waiting for a grandchild. She finally had a reason to pop into Baby Gap!
Of course, it wasn’t just the baby clothes and toys and gadgets that made her so happy. It was the idea that she would finally have a little one to cuddle and love. Someone to share stories and make memories with. Someone to take to Disneyland, and treat to tea parties, and teach to play the guitar. She simply could not wait for this baby to arrive.
And when she did arrive, that little baby became the center of her universe. Holding her granddaughter was more wonderful than she’d imagined, and she felt an almost physical ache when she went more than a few days without seeing the baby. She reveled in her new role, and did everything she could to be the grandmother she wished she’d had.
Meet Cindy, aka Nana
When Cindy found out her daughter’s struggle with infertility had finally come to an end, she couldn’t stop crying. Even more exciting that becoming a grandparent was knowing that her daughter would finally be a mom. She vowed to do everything she could to support the new parents, and she was always there with a helping hand or a sympathetic ear.
She was in awe of the baby that had changed all their lives. She wanted to be the kind of grandmother that was always ready to listen, the one who her grandson could always rely on. She looked forward to being there to cheer him from the day he took his first steps to the day he got his first job. She found deep satisfaction in watching him as he learned and grew.
She was just as attentive to her daughter and son-in-law. She tried hard to help lighten the heavy load of two working parents with a new baby. She looked for every opportunity to help out, and was just as happy to do the dishes as she was to hold the baby. Sometimes her own dishes went undone, but she was so happy to make life easier for her family.
Meet Jim, aka Grandpa
Jim had a close relationship to his own grandparents, but his father died before his own children were born. He knew he wanted to be there for his own grandkids, so he made sure to be an involved, available grandparent from day one.
He adored his granddaughter from the moment he laid eyes on her, and he was determined that she would always know he loved her wholeheartedly. He had dreams of taking her fishing and tinkering in the garage together, but he was just as willing to play dress-up and have dance parties if that was what she wanted.
He got a little teary when he talked about someday watching her walk down the aisle, but he clearly envisioned that their bond would be special and lasting. He was willing to do what ever it took to make sure she knew he was always in her corner.
Clearly, each of these grandparents is dedicated, loving, and a blessing to their family. Each of them will likely have just the sort of relationship with their grandchild that they envision. They are right to be confident about that. So where does the overconfidence come in?
The Dangers of Overconfidence
All of these grandparents are relying on their own experience and intuition to guide them on their grandparenting journey. This can lead them astray in more than one way:
Safety risks: Grandparents often assume that they know the best way to take care of their grandchildren, even if they haven’t kept up with the latest health and safety guidelines. This can lead to accidents and injuries, such as not using the proper car seat or leaving hazardous items within a child's reach.
Communication issues: Grandparents may feel that they know the best way to take care of children, and may not be open to suggestions or feedback from the parents. This can lead to conflicts and misunderstandings, which can strain the relationship between parents and grandparents.
Unrealistic expectations: Grandparents may believe that their experience as parents prepared them for all aspects of caring for grandchildren. However, every child is unique! If the grandparents aren’t open to learning and adapting to new situations, they may struggle to meet the needs of their grandchildren and become frustrated.
Boundary violations: Grandparents sometimes expect that they have the right to make decisions about how they interact with their grandchildren, even if it goes against the parents' wishes. This can cause tension and resentment and may lead to conflicts over issues such as gifts, discipline, feeding, and sleep.
What are the dangers for the new grandparents we just met?
Kathy’s excitement may make it difficult for her to recognize parent boundaries. Her dreams of the things she wants to do as a grandparent may make it harder for her to see her grandchild’s unique needs.
Cindy’s empathy may cause her to step in more often than she should. It may eventually cause resentment—either on her part or that of her grandchild’s parents—as she does too much. It can even cause her to experience grandparent burnout, making it harder to cherish her grandson as she hopes to.
Jim’s desire to be there whenever he’s needed is admirable, but there’s a catch. In his focus on the relationship with his grandchild he may have forgotten the importance of his relationship with his daughter and son-in-law. They need to know he’s in their corner, too.
How do you know if you are overconfident?
Do any of the following statements resonate with you?
I have gone through the process of raising children, and I am confident that I know what I’m doing when it comes to my grandchildren.
In my culture, grandparents are highly respected and revered as elders with a wealth of knowledge and experience.
I have strong personal beliefs about how children should be raised, and I am positive this approach is the best one.
I rely on common sense when it comes to child development and safety.
If you can see yourself in any of these statements, you are likely overconfident. Most grandparents have reasons to be confident, but none of us is fully prepared. Overconfident grandparents rarely see that there is room for improvement. When that confidence keeps us from seeing that we need to learn, grow and communicate, we are headed for problems and misunderstandings.
All grandparents can benefit from learning more about modern childrearing. All grandparents can benefit from working to improve communication with parents. All grandparents can benefit from having a desire to grow in their role.
That’s why we have so many resources to help you with those things. Have you explored them all yet? Visit the resources page on our website and pick one you haven’t yet taken advantage of. Or, save time by purchasing New Grandparent Essentials from our shop. It contains everything you need to make sure you aren’t overconfident, but just well and truly prepared.
The first step in overcoming overconfidence is admitting that you don’t know everything. When you think about it that way, it doesn’t sound that hard! Now, how are you going to learn more?