Should Grandparents Interfere with How Grandchildren Are Being Raised?

Have you heard of the Australian TV show called “Parental Guidance”? This short-lived reality show pitted 10 sets of parents with different parenting styles against one another to see which method for raising children was best. Families were faced with various challenging situations, and the idea was that the families who won the challenges had the best parenting style.

The winning parenting style, the hands-down best way to raise children? Turns out there isn’t one: Every parenting method has advantages and disadvantages.

There Is No Right Way to Parent

Grandparents need to remember this. When you are tempted to criticize the way your grandchildren are being raised, remember there is no right way. If they are being raised differently than you raised your children, it doesn’t mean you did it wrong, or that they are doing it wrong now.

In fact, your children can’t raise your grandchildren the same way you raised them. Society has changed, and parenting tactics have had to change, too. Not only that, but your children and grandchildren are unique people with their own personalities and needs. If you had more than one child, it’s likely that there were subtle differences in how you parented each of them, as different tactics work better on some children than others.

So what should you do if you don’t agree with how your grandchildren are being raised?

First, accept that you don’t know best. Many of the approaches past generations relied on as parents are completely frowned upon today. The clean plate club? Spanking? Ignoring a child having a tantrum? Each of these is something that was common in past generations, but is not something experts recommend to today’s parents.

We were working with the information we had at the time, and did what we believed was the best way to raise our children. However, there is research to back up the changes in approach, like the link between forced eating and eating disorders.

Once you have come to terms with the idea that your approach doesn’t align with today’s best practices, it’s time to start learning.

It Is Harder to Be a Parent Today

Being a parent has always been challenging, but according to a 2022 Pew survey,  it actually is harder today than it was when we were parents. Parents today feel they must constantly teach and interact with their children. Mothers especially are under more pressure: today’s average working mother spends as much time with her children as a stay-at-home mother in the 1970s.

Parents are not only worrying about their child’s growth and safety, they are also worried about their kids’ mental health. In addition, children are also being increasingly diagnosed with differences like Autism Spectrum Disorder that went unnoticed in the past. Providing the proper support for these children is an additional strain on parents.

Parents also feel more judged than past generations, particularly by their own parents and in-laws.

This we can do something about.

Learn More About Modern Parenting

Instead of judging or criticizing the parenting style of your grandchild’s parents, learn how to support them. Find out where your grandchild’s parents are getting their child-rearing advice, and investigate those sources. Follow the social media accounts, read the books, listen to the podcasts—whatever they are learning, make it your mission to learn it as well.

Talk to parents about what’s important to them, and be open minded about new trends like gender-neutral parenting. (Psst: There’s an entire section on recent trends in parenting in New Grandparent Essentials, available in our shop!)

When Should Grandparents Interfere?

Sometimes, though, grandparents are understandably worried that the way their grandchildren are being raised is a threat to the child’s well-being. A good rule of thumb for deciding whether to speak up is this: would you try to change the way someone was parenting if it were a friend or acquaintance? If the answer is no, then you are probably better off not saying anything to your own children, either.

If you are legitimately worried for your grandchild’s physical or emotional safety, you may need to interfere. This is not something that any grandparent should take lightly. Before speaking up, please read What to Do If You Are Worried Your Grandchild Is In Danger.

Parenting styles tend to change every generation. It’s nothing new for grandparents to shake their heads over the way their grandchildren are being raised. If you don’t agree with your adult children’s parenting methods, remember that there is no perfect way to raise children. Making parents feel judged just makes their job harder. Instead, be curious about their choices and communicate with them in a positive way. This is the best way to make sure that your grandchildren grow up with a supportive, loving family.

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