Sharing Grandchildren With An Ex: Tips for Navigating Strained Relationships
Candace and her ex-husband have been divorced since their youngest child finished high school. They’ve managed to maintain a civil relationship—mostly by avoiding situations where they have to be together. But now that they share a grandchild, there are regular occasions where they must interact. Candace admits the hardest part is knowing that her ex’s new partner is also a grandmother to her grandchild. “I know I’m being petty and unreasonable, but I can’t shake this jealousy that she gets to share my grandchild’s affection.”
Candace isn’t alone: most people in similar situations feel varying degrees of jealousy, anger, or sadness. It’s hard enough to share a grandchild with an ex, more so if the divorce was contentious. It’s even harder to share one with someone who has taken a place we once held, even if we willingly gave up that place. In cases where the step-grandparent was someone your ex cheated on you with, the feelings may be almost overwhelming.
When you are sharing grandchildren with an ex, the top priority should be the grandchild’s wellbeing. For the sake of the whole family, you need to learn to manage your feelings so they don’t affect family events. You never want a child to be affected by grown-up problems that have nothing to do with them. Nor should your adult child have to coordinate schedules and holidays to keep grandparents apart because they can’t get along.
That’s not to say you need to suppress your feelings. Jealousy, anger, and sadness are all valid responses to sharing a grandchild with an ex. It’s important to acknowledge your emotions and find healthy ways to process them away from family events. Whether it’s taking a walk in the woods to center yourself before a birthday party or finding a therapist, find a way to check those feelings at the door when you are with your children and grandchildren. Take a look at our recommendations for books to improve relationships.
You may always feel a pang when you see your grandchild with your ex’s new wife, or hear them talk about her. You are an adult, however, and you don’t have to let your emotions rule your response. While we don’t always have control over how we feel, we do have control over how we act.
How to get along with an ex around grandchildren
No matter what has happened between you and your ex (and their partner, if they have one), it has nothing to do with your grandchild. That means that any time you are around your grandchild, the focus should be on creating a positive family dynamic. This will likely take communication, respect, and compromise.
Begin with having an honest and open conversation with your adult child and their partner about their expectations. Do they want to be able to have all grandparents come together for special occasions? Are they comfortable with their step-parents being called “grandma” or “grandpa”? (Read more about navigating the dynamics of step-grandparents in this recent post.) Once you understand their priorities, work together to figure out how to support their requests.
If a conflict arises, address it with the person involved. Don’t put your child or grandchild in the middle of a dispute between you and an ex or their partner. If it’s something that comes up during a family event, tell them that while you agree it should be resolved, it will need to wait until you can talk together privately. Most adults want to create a positive family dynamic, and if you can keep your cool it will go a long way towards resolving tension.
It can be hard to respect someone who has hurt you. Focus instead on respecting their roles. Think about what your grandchild is getting by having other adults who care about them in their lives, rather than what your ex or their new partner is getting. Each grandparent will bring different strengths and values to a child’s life, and they are all worthy. Though it may be difficult, make an effort to show the other grandparents that you appreciate them.
Compromise is a key to happiness in any family. When you share a grandchild with an ex, you won’t always be able to have the time and experiences with your grandchild that you want. Be flexible and creative in finding ways to split holidays, birthdays, and traditions. Let your adult child guide this conversation, as they are the ones who deal with the impact the most. There are bound to be things that you miss out on, but the important thing is for your grandchild to have the experiences that they deserve.
What sharing grandchildren with an ex can teach the children
Children are constantly learning how to treat other people by watching those around them. If you want them to grow up to value kindness and respect, you need to model that—especially when you interact with the people they love. When the children are around, talk to your ex and their new partner respectfully. Make an effort to include other grandparents in activities, and stay positive during family gatherings. Keep past hurts and conflicts away from your children and grandchildren.
It's not easy to take the high road, especially if you have reason to feel you’ve been wronged. However, if you and your ex can share grandchildren with the goal of focusing on the child’s wellbeing, there are benefits for everyone. There will be less stress and guilt for your grandchild’s parents. There will be consistency and security for your grandchild. And there will be the comfort of knowing that you are setting a positive example for your grandchild.