Long-Distance Grandmother Struggles to Get Over the Grief of Being Apart
Welcome to Grand Advice, where we answer questions from real grandparents. Today’s answer comes from Cynthia Kane, Founder, of It's Their Turn: Wisdom for Grandparents.
I see my grandchildren only once or twice a year. I understand that their lives are so busy they don’t have the time. Letters, phone calls, videos are not responded to and they don’t seem to be free for us to visit even for a day. Our relationship with our daughter-in-law is strained despite our best efforts.
I accept that this is how it is and hope that the bonding we had with the children when they were babies will develop when they are older and freer to communicate.
In the meantime, I cannot get over the loss. I suffer from sadness and grief and it doesn’t get better over time. I have a pleasant retirement and a happy marriage. I lead an active and fulfilling life, but when reminded of the lack of closeness to my grandchildren, I crumble.
~Beverly
Dear Beverly,
Thank you for reaching out to Grand Advice. Your letter is heartbreaking, and I know that there are many grandparents that can relate to your situation. You are not alone, that’s for certain. Even so, the grief you have described here is very real, and my heart goes out to you.
One of the cruel realities of being a grandparent is that we are secondary players in the lives of our grandchildren. Very important ones, to be sure! But we interact with the children at the pleasure of their parents. The stronger the bond is between grandparent and adult child (and their partner), the greater the opportunity we have to interact with the grandchildren. When the parents have put distance between us and their children, even if it is not with any hostile intent, our options to change things are limited.
Let’s think this through:
Your son and his family live a 3-4 hour drive away, which is a fairly long drive for you and your husband to take and it may involve an overnight stay. The same is true for your son’s family of five. It could be that between work schedules and the busy lives of three growing children, making the drive to see the grandparents is on the wish list, but rather difficult to schedule more than once or twice a year.
You have mentioned that communication with your daughter-in-law has worsened over time, and that she has no interest or inclination to involve you in their lives. Is there a chance you could be mistaken about her intentions? Perhaps some kind of misunderstanding is be happening here. Have you tried discussing this in private with your son?
It’s not clear how old your grandchildren are. But there is a natural ebb and flow to grandchild/grandparent relationships. They can be mighty strong in early childhood, and as children get a little older their interests may shift strongly to favor their friendships and school activities. As young adults, they may swing back and become deeply involved with grandparents. The grandparents’ role is to remain steady, loving, and present.
Consider reasons long-distance grandchildren may be distant
Are the kids’ schedules simply chock full of sports, music, friends, school activities?
Has the family developed interests in activities that you and your husband can’t participate in easily?
Could you be misconstruing the lack of response to your contact as a negative, rather than seeing it as just a new phase in family life?
When grandchildren are babies, their parents often have much more need for our help than they do as the children become older and more independent. This is a good thing, as it demonstrates that children are growing into young people with interesting lives of their own. You can be sure that even if you don’t hear from the children very often and even if it seems that they don’t respond to your letters and calls, they love you and they just assume that you will always be there for them. You are an integral part of their family life, even if they do not express this to you as frequently as you would like them to.
As sad as this makes you right now, it sounds like you have reached a level of acceptance about the way things are, and you have hope that it will improve as the children grow up. This is a very positive and realistic response, and it is very likely that in time, you will find that this is indeed true.
Positive actions long-distance grandparents can take
When you write to your grandchildren, phone them, or send a video, make it upbeat and positive and as interesting as you can. Avoid asking questions that require an immediate response. Make it clear that you are just reaching out to say Hi, to let them know you’re thinking of them. Perhaps share an interesting anecdote, or wish them good luck for an upcoming event. By not requesting a response, you can avoid the feeling that you’re being ignored or rejected, and your family members will begin to look forward to your contact.
The next time you contact your daughter-in-law, make sure you comment positively on something about her life (hobbies, work, etc.) that does not include the grandchildren. Tell her you saw an article that made you think of her, or ask her for a recipe or advice about something, just make sure the conversation is about her. She will appreciate knowing that you care about her as a person, and not just as a conduit to the grandchildren.
If you’d like to visit the family at their place, tell them you’re planning a road trip to the area and plan to stay overnight in a hotel or other accommodation. Offer to take the kids for the day to an event of some kind so that the parents can take a little break. Make sure you have a flexible schedule of dates so that they can fit you in. If you can make your visits with the family lighthearted and fun, and if there is minimal impact on the parents (i.e, they don’t have to feed or accommodate you), the visits are bound to be much more welcome.
It’s terrific that you have a pleasant retirement and are happy in your life with your husband. Keep reaching out to your own friends and staying busy and productive. It can be hard for us as older folks with a bit of free time to recognize how busy and stressful family life can be today for the younger generation.
Although you are terribly sad about the lack of contact with your grandchildren these days, try to turn the course of things around with positive words and actions. Try to avoid expressing how disappointed you are or criticizing the parents for not responding or visiting more frequently. It’s not that you aren’t entitled to these feelings, you are! But it can turn into a situation where the parents may feel that there is no way they can meet your hopes and expectations, so they may as well not even try.
Like most of us, you had a vision of what grandparenthood would be like. Chances are, it has been like that in some ways, but not all. That’s ok! Believe you are loved, you are important, and you are valued. With time and effort, you can find the inner peace to accept that your version of grandparenthood is still worthwhile.
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Cynthia Kane is a board-certified, licensed genetic counselor with 25 years of clinical experience. A grandmother, Cynthia has a certificate in Grandfamily Leadership and is the founder of It’s Their Turn, which provides counseling, support, and education for grandparents. Grandparent Meet-Ups are forming now. Cynthia can be reached at cynthia@itstheirturn.com