How Grandparents Can Support Their Children & Grandchildren During a Divorce
Candace was seven months pregnant with her second child when her husband announced that he’d fallen in love with a coworker and wanted a divorce. Suddenly, instead of preparing for the shift from one child to two, she was facing life as a single mom. “I truly don’t think I could have done it without my parents to help me,” she said. “They were there for me emotionally, financially, and physically.”
Candace was lucky to have parents she could rely on. If your child were in the same position, could they count on you? Here are some suggestions to make sure they can.
What to say if your adult child tells you they are getting a divorce
If your adult child tells you they are getting a divorce, the first words out of your mouth should be, “I’m here to help you get through this. What do you need?” Save all the other questions for later. What matters most right now is letting them know that they can count on you.
Becoming a single parent, navigating co-parenting, and sorting out new living arrangements are hard at any time, but are especially difficult when you are still adjusting to the demands of parenthood. A grandparent can be an incredible source of help and comfort. Just be sure to provide compassion without judgement: offer a listening ear and reminders that your child can make it through this challenge.
Keep critical opinions of your child’s ex-spouse to yourself and don’t ask invasive questions about what went wrong. Avoid saying things like:
I never liked her, but you wouldn’t listen to me!
Have you tried counseling?
I thought you were so happy together.
Did he cheat on you?
How to manage your own feelings when your adult child is getting a divorce
It’s important to acknowledge and process your own emotions in your own space and time. You may be feeling anger or grief—or in some cases, even a bit of joy that a difficult marriage is ending. None of those emotions will help you help your child. Find a support group, counselor, or wise friend to share your feelings with so that you can create space to reassure your child’s feelings.
Be conscious of the impulse to overstep with unsolicited opinions or advice. There are other boundaries, as well. Don’t insert yourself into legal or logistical matters unless you are asked. And be mindful of your own limitations—don’t take on more responsibilities than you can handle.
Ways to help your adult child when they are dealing with a divorce
Your adult child will likely need a lot of help until the dust settles. Ask what they need, and consider carefully what you can provide. For example, if they need to move to a new place, perhaps you can be the one to help them move into a new home, shelter them in your home for a period of time, or loan them money to pay for a mover or down payment. If they need child care, you could help find new child care options, offer to pitch in for a while, or help pay for a nanny. They may need help finding or paying for an attorney, or they may want a hand to hold when they visit the lawyer’s office for the first time. Just don’t offer more than you can handle—they need to know they can rely on you.
How to support your grandchild when parents are divorcing
An equally important role for a grandparent during an adult child’s divorce is creating stability for the children. Watching your parents split is frightening for children, and you can be a comforting, dependable presence for them. Make sure to maintain your regular routines with them, like reading stories or baking day. Validate their emotions and be available to answer their questions. You’ll want to ask their parent how to handle difficult questions so that you are on the same page.
Above all, never criticize their other parent in front of them. No matter what has gone on, that will always be their mom or dad. Hearing negative things about a parent is unnecessarily confusing to a child. And don’t make the mistake of assuming the toddler can’t understand you!
Maintaining a relationship with the exes
If possible, maintain a cordial and cooperative relationship with your child’s ex-partner and in-laws. Sometimes the relationship is too strained for that to be an option, but preserving those relationships can be beneficial to the grandchildren. Make sure to have an open conversation with your child about your intentions—they may have reasons why they’d rather you cut all ties.
With your child’s blessing, small gestures can go a long way to continuing those relationships. Consider things like:
Texting or calling on special occasions like birthdays and holidays
Sharing a grandchild’s artwork, photos, and updates
Offering to transport the grandchildren between homes
Attending your grandchild's activities together
Of course, be on the lookout for potential conflicts. Keep conversations to subjects revolving around the grandchildren, and set boundaries if necessary. Focus on keeping your grandchild's emotional health the priority. Above all, don't get drawn into disagreements between divorced parents. You may need to limit contact or step back temporarily if tensions rise.
Divorce is a period of transition
As your child goes through the stages of divorce, there will be ups and downs. It can bring tremendous stress and trauma, but it can also bring new opportunities. One grandmother shared that the conversations she’s had with her son since his divorce have done more than help him process his emotions about the break up. Their long talks have led to a close, open relationship that she’d never had with him before.
Helping an adult child during a divorce is not something every new grandparent will have to face. If it happens to your family, you will have a distinct opportunity to offer love and support. You can provide emotional, physical, and financial assistance to your adult child when they may feel they have no one to turn to. What’s more, you can give your grandchildren stability and consistency when they are emotionally vulnerable. The key, as always, is communicating clearly to make sure you are providing the help that your adult child needs most.
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