When grandparents understand the reasons behind gender-neutral parenting, it’s easy to support it. 

The growing popularity of gender-reveal parties lies in sharp contrast to another growing trend: gender neutrality. While some parents are celebrating the discovery of their baby’s gender and going all in on pink or blue, others are fighting against pigeon-holing their child based on their gender. Like all parenting methods that are new to us, it can be confusing to grandparents as we try to figure out how to respect our adult children’s wishes. Here’s a quick look at what gender-neutral parenting is.

What is gender neutrality?
The goal of gender-neutral parenting is to raise children without enforcing traditional gender roles on them. Note the words “gender roles”. Although there are cases where parents believe a child should be free to choose their gender identity, these are the exception rather than the norm. For most parents who want to raise their child in a gender-neutral environment, it’s an attempt to cast off gender stereotypes and focus on the individual.
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Gender-neutral parenting doesn’t deny that there are differences between genders. It doesn’t insist that boys who love trucks have to play with dolls, or that girls who want to wear nothing but sparkly pink dresses have to be forces into jeans and t-shirts. The goal is not to raise a genderless child, but one who has the freedom to develop the skills and traits that will best serve them as an individual.

What are gender stereotypes?
Girls are more nurturing. Boys are more energetic. These are not facts, simply stereotypes that are perpetuated from one generation to the next. Here are some more stereotypes:

• Boys are tough
• Girls are sweet
• Boys are good at math and science
• Girls are good at language arts
• Boys are rational
• Girls are emotional
• Blue is for boys
• Pink is for girls
• Girls like dolls
• Boys like trucks

In recent years, society has begun to recognize these stereotypes and the long-term damage they do. Successful adults are both nurturing and resilient, and we should encourage those traits in both girls and boys. Equality in the workplace suffers because of the messages both women and men absorb from childhood. Parents recognize that to really change things, however, they need to actively work to combat the messages that are sent from the day their child’s gender is revealed.​

Do you remember when your baby was born? The doctor or midwife announced the arrival and gave you a quick peek of the child you just labored to bring into the world. Then the baby was whisked away to be cleaned up, weighed, measured and assessed. After an hour or so, a sweet little bundle in a knit hat and flannel blanked with blue and pink stripes was placed in your arms, and you got to properly meet your baby.

Today, medical professionals are recognizing that the first hour after birth is an important time for mother and baby to bond. In many hospitals, they no longer rush to assess babies and complete the checklist of newborn tasks. Instead, they give newborns a chance to acclimate to life outside the womb with a period of skin-to-skin contact with their mother.

You’ll be glad to know the little knit cap is still in the picture! Babies are dried off and placed on their mother’s bare chest, wearing only the cap. A blanket is draped over them, and mother and baby spend up to an hour or more simply enjoying each other.

This intimate time of relaxation is about more than bonding: it has immediate effects on baby’s physical, emotional and social development. According to research, contact with the mother’s skin stimulates the part of a baby’s brain that causes him to move towards the breast and begin feeding. This encourages physical development. Emotional and social development is sparked when the baby opens her eyes and gazes at her mother. What’s more, this period of skin-to-skin contact improves the outcome for both mother and baby.​

Studies have shown that skin-to-skin contact immediately after birth helps mothers by increasing oxytocin, resulting in lower blood pressure, a quicker return to pre-pregnancy hormone levels and lower incidence of post-partum depression. It can reduce post-partum bleeding, increase breastmilk production and improve breastfeeding outcomes.

For baby, the list of benefits is even longer.

Skin-to-skin contact immediately after birth has been shown to improve babies’ ability to absorb and digest nutrients and maintain their body temperature. Their heartbeat and breathing are more stable and they have higher blood oxygen levels. These babies are more successful at breastfeeding immediately after birth, and demonstrate improved weight gain. They spend more time in the crucial deep sleep and quiet alert states and even cry less often.
There are also long-term benefits of skin-to-skin contact, such as improved brain development and function and better parent attachment. Surprisingly, skin-to-skin contact has even been linked to stronger immune systems.

So why do grandparents need to know about this? Because the key to realizing these benefits is letting mother and baby enjoy this window of time without distraction. Grandparents are not part of the equation, and allowing space for parents to bond with their baby is the first generous act you can complete as a grandparent.

If you are lucky enough to be there for the delivery, this means you can help improve the health of both mother and baby by removing yourself from the room. As hard as it might be to tear yourself away, you can give your new grandchild and its parents an enormous gift by stepping away. Go get a cup of coffee and call your best friend with the news (but don’t post it on social media until you’ve been given the green light by parents!). Take a walk and dream about all the things you want to do as a grandparent.

If you aren’t there for the birth, don’t be hurt if you have to wait for a FaceTime call or visit. Your chance to get to know your new grandchild will come soon enough.

​And it will definitely be worth the wait. 

​Being the best grandparent sometimes means admitting the old ways aren't the best ways.

Quiz time!

What is the best way to introduce solid food to a baby?

• A.  rice cereal followed by fruit/vegetable purees at 4-6 months
• B.  liver soup at 3 months
• C. steamed broccoli florets or strips of well-done steak at 6 months or later

Which is the right answer?

Surprisingly, each answer to that question was the right one at one point in time.  (Yes, some experts in the 1940s recommended liver soup for babies starting at three months!)

Can you imagine the conversations when those parents became grandparents in the 1960s and '70s? They probably weren’t too different than the ones happening today as grandparents watch their 7-month-old grandchild gnawing on a steak bone or a slice of melon! (Read more about the baby-led weaning method that many of today’s parents are following in this post.)

Child rearing recommendations change regularly, as research and science reveal new information about what is best for babies. In the 1920’s, parents were warned that affection could psychologically damage their babies. One kiss a day, on the forehead, was more than enough, said some experts. Mothers in the 1950s were told that babyproofing was the lazy way out: they should teach their children to stay away from dangers or breakables by yelling at them if they tried to touch something they shouldn’t. These, of course, are the more extreme examples, but they underline the point that advice to new parents is constantly changing.  ​

​Grandparents should know baby walker pros and cons before using one.

​Raise your hand if you think baby walkers are safe as long as they aren’t used around stairs.

Unfortunately, stairs are not the only hazard to a child in a tray walker. Although stairs are involved in 75% of injuries involving walkers, there are other hazards as well. The second most common cause of injury is babies falling out of the walker itself. And because walkers give a baby mobility and reach they would not have otherwise, there are numerous injuries from burns and poisons. Between 1990 and 2014, over 230,000 children under the age of 15 months went to the ER for baby walker-related injuries.

There is a reason that baby walkers are banned in Canada, and safety is only one issue. Another is that walkers can delay motor and mental development.

From the New York Times review of a study by Dr. A. Carol Siegel:
On average, infants who did not use walkers sat at 5 months, crawled at 8 months and began to walk in their 10th month, while babies who used walkers that blocked their views of their feet first sat near the end of their 6th month, crawled at 9 months and walked at almost 12 months. Babies whose walkers permitted them to see their feet sat and crawled at an age midway between the other two groups. 

It's important to note that this study was far from definitive, and subsequent small studies have had mixed results. But when it comes to our grandchildren, we certainly want to avoid all the risks we can!

A third issue is the effect of walkers on a baby’s developing body. The seats in walkers (and jumpers and exersaucers) put the baby’s hips in a position that can lead to hip dysplasia or dislocation when they are older. If their feet don’t rest fully on the floor, they can develop tightness in their heel cords, which can lead to toe-walking.

According to The Children’s Rehabilitation Institute TeletonUSA:
Research shows using these kinds of toys does not help your child achieve independent skills sooner, because they are able to “walk”, “sit”, “jump” in a seated, supported, and poorly aligned position. This means they are not able to fully practice the muscle control and balance reactions necessary for moving outside of the device. 

CRIT goes on to point out that the ill-effects of these toys are unlikely if a child is in an exersaucer for a short period each day. It’s when a walker is used for hours to keep the baby occupied while the caregivers are busy that both safety and development become an issue.

What should you, as a grandparent, do with this information?

Like all information on this website, our purpose is to educate you so you can better understand the choices your adult children are making as parents. If they are using a baby walker and you are worried about it, send them this blog post and ask if they have seen studies like these. Don’t, however, try to dictate what they do with the information.
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On the other hand, if you are using a baby walker when your grandchild is at your house, you might want to find a new way to entertain the baby. Hopefully, now that you’ve seen the pros and cons of using a baby walker, you can make an informed decision.

​An explanation of baby-led weaning for grandparents

I was a little alarmed one day during our FaceTime call to see my 8-month-old granddaughter gnawing on a large piece of pear. She only had four teeth, and those weren’t even good for chewing! Why wasn’t she being fed easy-to-swallow applesauce or something like that? Knowing that my son and daughter-in-law wouldn’t purposely endanger their child, I asked them to educate me.

“Have you heard of baby-led weaning?” my daughter-in-law asked. When I admitted I hadn’t, she shared a little information. After reading more about it, I realized she wasn’t the only parent faced with how to explain baby led weaning to grandparents.

One of the challenges of being a grandparent is accepting that the way we did things as parents might not have been the best way possible. Such is the case with baby-led weaning vs purees. It was the accepted standard to feed our babies smoothly pureed foods, usually starting with rice cereal. Research now shows there is a better way, and baby-led weaning is gaining in popularity.  

Spoon-feeding purees to babies is something that became the norm in the late 1940’s, when the advice was to start solids at four months. Now we know that a baby’s digestive system isn’t ready for solid food until 6 months or later, and that earlier introduction to solid foods increases the likelihood of allergies.  ​

First off, “Baby-led weaning” is a somewhat misleading name, because weaning is only part of the equation. Personally, I prefer the alternate term “baby-led feeding”, because that’s the main focus of the concept. The idea is that by providing a wide variety of appropriate finger foods, parents allow babies to choose what and how much to eat. This exposes them to a wide variety of tastes and textures, and allows them to form a healthy relationship to food. One study reported that “Baby-led weaning promotes healthy food preferences in early childhood, which may protect against obesity.” ​

​By offering solids to babies in addition to their regular intake of breast milk or formula, babies are in charge of how much of each they consume. A baby will naturally start relying more on solid foods and less on milk when they are ready, usually close to their first birthday. 

Choking can happen with any food at any age. It’s vital to understand and follow the guidance on when a baby is ready for solids and which foods to begin with. (See below for some resources on those points.) Following those guidelines will minimize the chance of choking, but will not eliminate it. Close supervision during meals is necessary, and parents and caregivers should be educated about how to help a choking child. (Start with this blog post to know why!) 
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But it’s also important to understand the difference between choking, when food blocks the airway completely, and gagging, which is a normal reflex to prevent choking. According to experts, the gag reflex is very close to the front of the mouth in a young baby, meaning they will gag long before the food is far enough back to block their throat. As the baby gets older, the reflex moves farther back in the mouth. Baby-led weaning helps them learn to chew and swallow while the reflex is still in a place in their mouth that helps prevent choking.

This blog post, like all information on our website, is meant to give grandparents insight into what parents want them to know. It’s not meant to provide information that grandparents should then use to try to educate parents. If your adult children are using a different feeding method, that’s fine. There’s no need to try to convince them that baby-led weaning is better. Depending on your relationship with them, it may be fine to ask if they’ve heard of it. Only if they show curiosity should you share what you’ve learned. It may be better to just share a link to a website and let them take it from there. 

Are there other new trends that have left you confused? Let me know in the comments!

Further reading
The definitive book on baby-led weaning by Gill Rapley,  Baby-Led Weaning

A thorough explanation of baby-led weaning and what it entails. 

More on baby-led weaning from the Cleveland Clinic, in case you want a more official site. 

An interesting history of baby food.