Tips for supporting new parents with love and encouragement

​When I wrote last week about the importance of showing your love for your grandchildren’s parents, I had a reader ask for specific ideas, especially for those of us at a distance. This week, I want to share some of those ideas!

Don’t just say, “Let me know if I can help.” Very few people will ever take you up on such an offer, and your own children are often less likely to do so. Rather, suggest specific ways you could help. Of course, this can be tricky, because there is always the risk that your offer will be translated as a criticism. If you were to say, “I’d love to pay for a housecleaning service”, there is every chance that what your daughter-in-law will hear is “You are a terrible housekeeper.”

Instead, try saying something like this: “I’d love to do something to help lighten your load. Would you be interested in some help with laundry, or housekeeping, or maybe a meal service?” Or “I remember how hard it is to have any time to yourself and I’d love to do something to help you. Can I pay for a sitter/watch the baby so you can go get a massage?”

There are more ways to help new parents in this post, but make sure your offer to help is presented in a judgement-free way. “I stumbled on an article about family sleep consultants. Did you know they existed? Look into it and see if it’s something that might interest you—I’d be happy to help cover the cost. I wish I’d know about them when I had little ones!” This is more likely to succeed than, “It must be hard (judgement alert!) to have Harvey still waking up so much at night. Let me hire a sleep consultant to get him sorted out.”

​Author Richard Eyre give us a handbook for every grandfather.

Looking for books for a new grandmother to help her embrace her new role? There are several great choices. Looking for books for a new grandfather? Not so easy! So far, I’ve only found one: Being a Proactive Grandfather by Richard Eyre.

Luckily, it’s all any grandfather really needs. Eyre, as a grandfather to roughly 30 grandchildren, has enough experience to know what works. He shares his creative and practical ideas in a way that makes you wish you could get started right away. While some of his methods will be difficult for long-distance grandfathers or those who are still actively working, the concepts behind them will inspire every grandfather who is committed to a real relationship with their grandchildren.

Eyre sums it up here:
"Passive grandfathering—just paying a little attention once in a while or trying to lend a bit of financial support as needed—is not much fun. The thing that often holds us back from greater involvement with our grandkids is that, in some ways, they lie a bit outside our comfort zones. We don’t know exactly what they need or how to go about Proactive Grandfathering."

Being a Proactive Grandfather is an excellent guide for those grandfathers who don’t know how to get outside their comfort zone, or for those who want more ideas to help shape their role as Grandpa. This one is worth buying for every grandfather!

​Why we need to change the way we talk about loving our grandchildren

​“Spoil them and send them home!”

How many times have you heard grandparents use that phrase? It’s on coffee mugs and T-shirts and memes all over the internet. Perhaps you’ve even said it! After all, one of the benefits of having grandchildren is that you aren’t in charge of all the hard parts of raising them. There is a gleeful freedom in knowing that you can concentrate on having fun with them without having to deal with the consequences.

During a recent conversation about “Grandparent Love” on the podcast, The Grand Life, I talked with Emily Morgan and Kerry Byrne about the idea of spoiling our grandchildren. We all agreed the phrase needs to go!

First, let’s just look at the word spoil. Can you think of anything else we would declare we want to spoil? We don’t set out to spoil our children, or our vacation, or our new carpet. No one wants to be around someone who spoils the ending, the mood or the surprise. We don’t like it when someone spoils a joke, or our view, or an important occasion. Spoiling something is not an admirable goal! The definition of the word is very clear:

Spoil: verb

1. diminish or destroy the value or quality of
2. harm the character of (someone, especially a child) by being too lenient or indulgent.

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Obviously, we don’t really mean we want to diminish or harm our grandchildren. We mean we want to indulge them, pamper them, treat them like the special little people they are. This leads to my second objection to the idea of spoiling our grands and then sending them home: I don’t want to make my kids’ job as parents any harder than it already is. While we all want our grandkids to know how much we love them, there are ways to show them that without overindulging them or being more lenient than their parents.
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What your grandchildren want most from you is your time and attention, and you can make them feel cherished without spoiling them at all. Instead of buying them more toys, play with them. Instead of sneaking them extra cookies, let them help you make dinner. Talk to them, send them mail, ask them about their likes and dislikes, give them your undivided attention, be there for them. You’ll find it far more rewarding than spoiling them.

What do you think? Is there a case to be made for spoiling  grandchildren?

​A strong relationship with your grandchildren deserves thoughtful planning.

As I shared in the January newsletter, having a grandparent vision statement allows us to commit to the relationship with our grandchildren in an intentional, meaningful way. It reminds us of what we really hold important, and acts as a starting point for creating the relationship we want. It allows us to move past the idea of “spoiling” our grandchildren to a place of true connection.

Over the last couple of weeks, I shared some tips on how to write your vision statement and talked about the importance of sharing it with your grandchildren’s parents. Now I want to talk about how to actually achieve the goals you set in your vision. As Antoine de Saint Exupery said, “A goal without a plan is just a wish.” It’s time to make that plan.

The next step is sharing your vision statement with parents.

Have you written your grandparent vision statement? Last week, we talked about why that’s an important first step in committing to your role as a grandparent. The next step is both simple and, for some, difficult: sharing your vision with your grandchild’s parents. The easy part is this: once you’ve got your vision written down, send them an email with the details. In that email, or in a follow up conversation, explain why you wrote it and what it means to you. That might be the hard part for you—because it may feel as if you are sharing something personal. But it is incredibly important to share it, for more than one reason.

Sharing shows you value your role as part of a team.
Too often, parents feel cast aside once they provide you with a grandchild. It’s hard for many of us to lift our focus from the enchanting being that has entered our lives! By sharing your vision statement with them, you let parents know that you value your relationship to them in their role as parents. It shows that you recognize that they are the key to realizing your goals as a grandparent, and sets the groundwork for a relationship based on mutual respect.

​How to plan for a glorious grandparent journey

Have you ever planned a vacation?

Whether you are the type of person who likes to map out your days in detail, or prefer a loose itinerary with plenty of room for improvisation, you still need to decide a couple of things in advance: where you are going and how you are going to get there. Without those crucial bits of planning, you run the risk of never getting anywhere worthwhile.

Your journey as a grandparent is no different. Sure, you can just ride along and see where it takes you, but if you truly want to foster a strong, lasting bond with your grandchildren, it takes planning and preparation. Neither of these things is hard, especially when the result is so rewarding.
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What does planning for your grandparent journey look like? It starts with a vision statement. This affirmation should describe how you hope to impact your grandchildren and family. Think of it as a way to write out your goals and hopes for the kind of grandparent you want to be. The business world has some guidelines about the proper form and wording, (one of my communications clients spent weeks fighting amongst themselves over whether or not a vision statement had to start with the word “to”), but your grandparent vision statement can take any form that feels right to you. Aim for short, simple, and specific, but don’t get bogged down trying to make it beautiful.

Family traditions are important--and can teach your grandchildren valuable lessons.

When our children were small, we saved our spare change all year long in a special jar. Every December, we’d count and roll the coins, then take the kids to the toy store. There, they’d each get to choose what to buy with their share of the money we’d collected. Their decisions were never easy—they each thought long and hard about what they might want if they only got one toy for Christmas.

After everyone had figured out how to spend their allotment, we’d take our toys to the checkout stand. Every year, a surprised cashier always happily took our payment despite it being entirely in change.
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The final step was letting each child put the new toys they had selected in the box for Toys for Tots. Granted, the year my youngest was not quite two, she had to be coerced to give up the baby doll she had chosen! I still have a very clear mental image of the longing look on her face as we walked away from the donation box.

Why reading to babies is so important

Babies love books. They love the chance to snuggle in your arms and hear your voice as you read. What’s more, reading helps them learn language—and more. ​

​Babies are hungry for the information in the pictures, and the sound of the words. While their language and communication skills are growing and they are learning about the world, you are strengthening your bond with them. Everyone wins, especially if the books are chosen carefully.

Not every board book is a quality book for babies. It takes more than printing a children's book on thick cardboard to be appropriate for these new learners. The words and pictures need to be geared towards their developmental stage. Language should be composed of simple words and concepts: Rhymes, repetition and short sentences all capture a baby’s attention. Bright, colorful pictures will capture their gaze. They love both familiar subjects, like the babies in Gyo Fujikawa’s Babies,  and ones they haven’t yet met—like the zoo animals in Goodnight Gorilla.

It’s also important for it to be a book that adults like to read, because babies prefer to hear the same story over, and over, and over again. Choose wisely! Here are some both babies and adults we know have enjoyed. If you aren't familiar with them all, check them out and let us know which ones you'll be adding to your grandbaby's collection!

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