Grandparents need to find the delicate balance of helping out without shutting out either parent

When Pam’s daughter, Marlie, had her first baby, Pam was lucky enough to get to be there for the birth. She flew from Ohio to Arizona just in time for the delivery, and then stayed with the new parents for three weeks to help out during those exhausting early days.

By Pam’s account, her visit was everything she could have hoped for. She was by Marlie’s side as she was laboring and got to hold her first grandchild shortly after his birth. She’d always been close to her daughter, and it seemed as if Pam sometimes knew what Marlie needed before she even asked. Since she was a light sleeper, she even helped out in the middle of the night. She felt honored to be able to play such a huge role in her grandson’s first weeks of life.

Marlie was incredibly grateful to have her mom there, too. She was happy to see grandma taking over the baby when she was overwhelmed. She knew she could rely on her mom for anything she needed, and having Mom’s experience and round-the-clock presence was a blessing in those early days. 

The two weeks Pam spent with the new family were pure joy for her. Bonding with her grandson as she held him was magical, and watching her daughter gain confidence as a mother filled her with a new kind of love.

You know who wasn’t happy? Marlie’s husband, Hunter.

After waiting for years to become a father, Hunter felt completely shut out of the experience. He had hardly gotten to take in his son’s features before he was asked to hand the newborn to grandma. For the entire time Pam was there, every time the baby needed something, Marlie or Pam jumped in. He felt like Marlie and Pam were the parents, admitting, “It was like I was just the sperm donor, and they’d invited me to watch them raise their baby.”

This is why some parents don’t let anyone visit at first. For them to forge a strong parenting team, they need the chance to figure it out together. Allowing them the space to rely on each other will strengthen their relationship. Leaving them to figure out what to do when the baby is crying will give them confidence as parents. Letting them have the privilege of those early days of bonding will not weaken your own bond with your grandchild, but will strengthen the family as a whole.

If you are lucky enough to be included in the early days of your grandchild’s life, here are some guidelines to make sure you don’t inadvertently become another Pam.

Concentrate on helping by keeping the household running.
Instead of diapering, feeding, soothing and bathing the baby, volunteer to cook, clean, shop, or walk the dog. See more suggestions here.

Never step in to care for the baby without being asked.
You may know exactly what to do, but jumping in prevents new parents from figuring it out. They’ll be far more likely to ask for help if you aren’t offering suggestions when they don’t want them.
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Always give both parents the chance to care for the baby before stepping in.
Notice that the baby needs a diaper change while mom is in the shower? Let dad know there’s an opportunity to hone his diapering skills.

Watch to make sure you don’t spend more time caring for the baby than either of the parents.
There may be circumstances where you do need to step up, but if both parents are healthy and present, they should be doing most of the baby care. Let them know you are there to provide a break if they need it, but that you are confident they can handle it.

If your daughter is turning to you instead of her partner, ask him or her to help.
When she hands your fussy grandson to you to burp, pass him along to dad, asking how many ways he knows to burp a newborn. Sharing your experience this way will help him gain the skills and confidence he needs so your daughter will see him as a valuable partner.

Unless you are moving in full time, doing too much baby care while you are there will just make it harder when you leave. Instead, spend time setting parents up for success after you depart. Fill the freezer, stock the pantry, weed the garden—do whatever you can to make life easier for the parents both during your visit and after your departure.
 
Sometimes the best way to help is by just stepping back.
 
What do you think? Do you agree? Let me know in the comments!
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Don’t you hate it when your social media feed is full of ads that make it seems like they are listening to your conversations, or even your thoughts? They claim they aren’t listening, but it’s hard to believe when you are near someone talking about their ski trip and the next time you open Facebook there is an ad for Park City.

I do know that much of it depends on the accounts you follow. I’m constantly getting targeted on Instagram with ads aimed at parents, even though my days of needing breast pumps are long gone. It’s understandable though, because I follow more than a few accounts that are aimed at parents.

I think you should, too.

It’s incredibly helpful to see what parents are being bombarded with. By following accounts that are aimed at parents, we can keep up with what they are seeing. This means that instead of having to ask why they are doing something different from the way we did it, we can just step in with support if needed.

What are the newest gadgets, both useful and absurd? What’s the latest research on screen time or fluoride or the power of nature? What are the emerging theories on feeding/sleeping/playing? Why are car seat recommendations so different now than they were 5, 10, 20 years ago?

No matter which social media platform you spend time on, there are great parent-focused accounts to follow. I like Instagram, because it’s easier to see what I want to see and avoid what I don't. Here are some of the Instagram accounts I find incredibly useful:

For all things safety related, @safebeginnings is a gold mine of information. @safeintheseat is the best for information about car seat safety.

@pedsdoctalk shares valuable content about pediatric health and more.

The content @growing.intuitive.eaters shares about helping children have a healthy relationship with food is entertaining and educational.

@likeasistersupport keeps me in the loop about the needs of new parents with research-based information on feeding and more, and @resttoyournest has taught me a lot about current sleep theories.

I’ve learned so much about new ways of parenting from @toryhalpin, and you will, too!

If your grandchildren are neurodivergent or just high-spirited, follow one or all of these: @maryvangeffen, @copingskillsforkids and @benjamin.mizrahi.

To learn more about the struggles parents are facing with burnout and more, follow @runtellmom and @feminist.mom.therapist.

Following a wide range of informational accounts will enable you to be more supportive of parents. Just remember, you are trying to understand parents better, not educate them with what you learn. Depending on your relationship, you may be able to share an account or post without causing offense. Here are some ways to approach it if you want to share a post.

• “I wish I’d known about this when I had my babies!”
• “I thought this was fascinating!”
• “There are some great tips in here—though I’m pretty sure you are doing most of them, if not all!”

When sharing an account, you can first see if parents are already following it. If they aren’t, you can say something like: “I stumbled across this account and it seems to have really great information. Thought I’d share!”

Be wary of misinformation, which is abundant on social media. Before sharing something from a source you haven’t checked out completely, do a little research. When I see something I’m unfamiliar with, like a claim that high fructose corn syrup is banned in other countries, I always try to learn more about it by verifying it with independent sources. (Turns out it’s not, it’s just labeled differently—thanks, @foodsciencebabe.)

Finally, make sure that you aren’t sharing things too often. Save it for when there is something really worthwhile, and use the opportunity to open up a conversation.

Are you more of a Facebook or TikTok user? Let me know in the comments and I’ll suggest accounts on those platforms for you to follow!

​Play your part in setting and keeping grandparent boundaries

When her first grandbaby was born, Jackie was thrilled to be close enough to help out. Her daughter, Lizzie, was thrilled, too. Having mom around to help with laundry, soothe the baby and keep the family fed was a godsend.

Until it wasn’t.

One day, when Jackie stopped by, Lizzie had just gotten the baby to sleep and was looking forward to some time alone. Instead, she found herself listening to her mom’s cheerful chatter until the baby woke up. Because she was so grateful for the help she’d been getting, she found it hard to tell her mother that she needed some space now.

Jackie’s visits continued as the baby grew, often coming at inconvenient times. The more time that went by, the harder it was for Lizzie to speak up. One day, she snapped at Jackie, who had no idea what the problem was. Unkind words passed between them, causing the first rift they’d experienced since Lizzie was a teen. After days of struggling with hurt feelings, they finally sat down together to talk about boundaries.​

Boundaries around visits and helping will look different in every family. Where some new parents will want their entire extended family at the birth, others want no visitors for a month. Some parents want to do everything with minimal help, while others welcome all the hands and laps they can get.

While many parents are clear about the boundaries they need to keep, others have trouble speaking up to grandparents. Worse, some grandparents don’t respect boundaries even if parents spell them out.  

Boundaries are the cornerstone of a healthy parent-grandparent relationship. No matter what the new parents have communicated, here are some tips for new grandparents that will make sure you are a welcome visitor.​

Don’t show up unannounced. Even if you’ve been in the habit of dropping in on your son and daughter-in-law in the past, now is the time to stop. Always call or text to see when or if a visit is welcome, and be willing to accommodate their schedule. While it may be frustrating that you can’t stop by after work, supporting new parents often means putting their needs and desires ahead of your own.  

Come to an agreement in advance, and check in regularly to see if it’s working. Before the baby is even born, talk to parents about how involved they’d like you to be. So often, tensions rise because a grandparent’s expectations differ from a parent’s. Misunderstandings can be avoided by discussing some of the common areas of disagreement. New Grandparent Essentials includes an entire section to help facilitate your discussion, with conversation starters and advice on establishing a supportive partnership with parents.

Respect new parents’ need for time alone. New parents need time alone, and time alone together. If the baby is sleeping when you arrive for a planned visit, ask if you should come back another time. This can be tricky if you are visiting to help with a new baby, but make sure you give new parents time without your presence. Make a grocery run, take a long walk after dinner, or go hang out at the library. Even if your visit is short, you are more likely to be invited back if you respect their space.

Remember you are not a co-parent. With a few exceptions, grandparents are experienced parents, and they are eager to share their expertise. Sometimes the son- or daughter-in-law feels sidelined by a grandmother who takes on the role of co-parent. Especially if it’s your daughter who has had a baby, make sure you aren’t crowding out her partner in your eagerness to help. Step back and let them figure it out together.

Respect privacy. While this is your grandbaby, there will still be parts of its life that will be off limits to you. Let parents take the lead in what they want to share, and how much they want to integrate you into their home. Nursing mothers may not want an audience, and some parents don’t want you taking photos of the baby being bathed. Be sensitive to their wishes.

Being a grandparent is a supporting role, and that means you will often be watching the star of the show from the wings. The best way to avoid real-life drama is to know when it’s your turn on stage, and when the director wants you to fade into the background.
  
Read more about boundaries:

• Blurry Boundaries?
• Grandparent Burnout
• Are You Driving Your Kids Crazy?             

The last time her mother visited, Denise found herself consoling her 7-year-old son over something she’d never expected.

“He was in his room crying, and I asked him what was wrong,” she told a friend. “He said he didn’t want to be fat. I had to run through the morning’s conversation in my head before I realized that Grandma had said he was getting a little chubby. I’m pretty sure she had no idea how much her off-hand remark affected him.”

After assuring her son that his body was just the right size to be strong, healthy and able, Denise had a little chat with her mother. And then asked me to have a little chat with all of you about body image! 
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​Body image is how your grandchild feels about his or her body. Positive or negative, that image starts to form at a very early age—as young as three years old, according to some researchers. In the early years, the messages they get from the people around them have the most impact on how they view their bodies. Too many comments about their size, weight, or appearance can cause them to base their self-worth on their bodies instead of their abilities. 

Poor body image has been linked to low self-esteem, higher chances of anxiety or depression, and eating disorders. In the US, 40-60% of girls ages 6-12 are concerned about their weight or about becoming too fat. (Smolak, 2011). Over half of 11-16 year olds in UK say they often worry about the way they look. In other words, it’s crucial to make sure they get the right messages in those formative early years. This means what grandparents say matters—a lot. 

As children get older, media, social media and peers all have a strong influence on their self-image. Setting a foundation before your grandchildren are exposed to those messages will help protect them when they encounter societal pressure.

Help Kids Feel Confident
Encourage your grandchildren to focus on what their bodies can do, not how they look. This will likely take some practice on your part. We are used to saying things like, “You have such pretty hair!” or “Let me kiss those chubby cheeks!”. Frequent comments on appearance, both positive and negative, create the impression that appearance is extremely important. The first step is to be aware of your own behavior. Pay attention to how often you comment on:

• Hair length, color, curliness, etc.
• Height
• Weight
• How much they eat
• How they look

The things you compliment them on are the things they will think are important about themselves.  Try to shift your compliments to things like “I love the way you make your baby sister laugh” or “Thank you for putting all the books away so quickly.”

Be A Good Role Model
You can be a positive role model by taking care of your own body, and enjoying what it can do. If you have physical limitations, help your grandchildren understand that they don’t define you. Focusing on your abilities will show them that a person is more than their appearance.
Don’t shy away from being photographed, which sends the signal that you don’t like the way you look. Instead, get in that photo with your grandchild!
Don’t put yourself down. Your grandchildren don’t see your wrinkles or thick ankles as negative unless you grumble about them.

Watch What You Say
In our weight-conscious society, unguarded comments about ourselves or others often send the message that thin is the ultimate goal. Avoid observations like these:

• remarking on someone’s weight loss (or gain)
• saying you can’t eat something or you’ll get fat
• declaring you will have to exercise extra to work off your meal
• talking about exercising to lose weight

 
Talk About It
If you hear your grandchild making negative comments about their bodies (or other people’s), see it as a teaching moment. Instead of dismissing their concerns about their bodies, ask them to talk to you. If they say unkind things about another child’s body shape or size, talk to them about why that might be hurtful and help them recognize that child’s positive attributes. There are several quality books for young children about body image--read about our favorites here.

One of the joys of being a grandparent is having a positive impact on our growing grandchildren. Now that you know how much impact your comments can make, what will you do differently? 
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What your pregnant daughter-in-law wants to tell you. 

You’re probably thinking about what your role as a grandmother will be. You might be wondering how this baby will affect your relationship, especially if you aren’t close. Or you might be searching for the best gift for your pregnant daughter-in-law and son.

Whatever brought you here, I promise your daughter-in-law is glad you found this post. In fact, the best gift for an expecting daughter-in-law might be reading it.

Here’s what she would tell you if she felt she could.
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So, future grandmother, what do you think? Are you ready to be the supportive grandparent who follows parents’ lead? You can get a jump on it by buying New Grandparent Essentials for yourself!
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What gifts do new parents really want? While all those adorable baby clothes and packages of diapers are handy, what new parents really need may be something else entirely. We went straight to the source—new parents—to find out what gifts new parents will actually appreciate. 

Meals for New Parents

​Their answers made one thing clear: they want food. While new parents mentioned many gifts that were appreciated, meals kept coming up again and again. Freezer meals, meal trains, gift cards for restaurants, meals from a local grocery store—these were all suggestions. One mom added that she was especially grateful for meals that were dropped off without her having to interact with anyone! We’ve got a whole blog post with suggestions for how grandparents can help new parents with meals over here.

Other parents mentioned nutritious snacks as being a welcome gift. Think of things that are easy to grab from the fridge, like pre-portioned veggies and hummus or apples and nut butter. Nursing parents are also grateful for snacks that can be kept by the bed and eaten with one hand, like dried chickpeas, nuts or trail mix, and fruit like grapes or apples. Make up some pretty jars with quick snacks, and drop them off without making the new parents come to the door.

The Best Gifts for New Parents on Amazon

There were also certain gifts that new parents felt were lifesavers. More than one parent mentioned the Haakaa manual breast pump. This simple item is under $15 at Amazon, but has over 52,000 five-star reviews. For just over $25, you can get a model that includes a lid and base, something nursing parents will appreciate. 

​Another inexpensive gift that new parents will appreciate is super-soft bamboo washcloths. One mom said she now uses them herself after receiving them for her baby! This set of 6 bamboo washcloths at Amazon comes in a variety of colors, and is currently under $15.

There were also three new parent gifts on the pricier end that came up in our informal poll. One was the Hatch, a combination sound machine/nightlight/audio monitor. It also includes a time-to-wake feature, which will come in handy when that new baby is a toddler. The Hatch is under $100 on Amazon, and there’s currently a coupon that brings the prices down to $79.99.

Going up in price, the Keekaroo Peanut changing pad has raving fans. I’ll be honest, I have trouble believing that a changing pad can be worth $140, but the parents who have one will tell you it absolutely is. Check out the reviews on Amazon.
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The most expensive gift for new parents that made our list is the SlumberPod. This portable blackout tent pops over a portable crib, creating a dark, enclosed sleep space for baby when sharing a room or traveling. The $175 price tag is steep, but think of it as giving new parents extra hours of sleep. You can’t put a price tag on that! Find it on Amazon, too.

The Gift of Helping Hands

If expensive gifts are not in your budget, don’t fear. There are some gifts new parents will actually appreciate that cost nothing but your time. Helping hands are almost always appreciated, as long as they don’t come with unwanted advice or criticism. One new mom mentioned how much she appreciated someone taking care of their dog when the baby was born. Another said her parents came to help take care of her, understanding that she could take care of the baby. Both of these are things we’ve mentioned before, and you can find more ideas by reading 10 Ways to Help New Parents.

Thoughtful gifts are one way to build a trusting, supportive relationship. Grandparents will earn a lot of brownie points if they choose a gift that new parents will really appreciate. Even new parents who have everything can use some help or a meal!

Do you have other suggestions for gifts new parents really want? Leave them in the comments!

More ways to support new parents:

• 10 Ways to Help New Parents
• How Grandparents Can Help New Parents with Meals
• What Parents Wish Grandparents Knew

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​This common advice for new grandparents might be wrong.

A few years ago, I joined a group of women for weekly walks along one of my favorite trails. Like any group of new acquaintances, we traded stories and talked about our families and daily lives. The conversation made the hours’ walk go quickly. Gloria was especially entertaining, as she could talk with little need for response.

One day, she recapped what she’d done the previous day as we were walking side-by-side through the eucalyptus trees. “George and I went out to dinner at Roberto’s. Have you been there? I love their food. We usually get there for the early bird special. I ordered the lasagna, and George ordered the steak. He’s such a creature of habit! But we had to leave before our dinners even came.”

“My gosh, what happened?” I started to say, but she was already explaining.

“My son called and asked us to go get our granddaughters from daycare so he could go to the gym after work. So we just told the waiter we couldn’t stay, and went to pick up the girls.”

“Didn’t you tell your son you were busy?” I wondered.

“Oh, no! We don’t want him to think we’re unreliable and then not let us take care of the girls!”

I hear stories like this all the time. One grandmother told me she was assigned a grandmother nickname she loathed, but went along with it because she didn’t want to rock the boat. Another cancelled a vacation for fear her daughter would find someone else to babysit if she missed one of her regular Tuesdays. 

My heart aches for grandparents like these who have absorbed the message that they can’t express their own needs or feelings for fear they’ll be cut off from their grandchildren. In fact, one of the first pieces of advice prospective grandparents are given is to “just zip it.”

• Don’t give your opinion unless asked.
• Don’t speak up when you are worried about your grandchild.
• Don’t question what parents are doing.
• Don’t object when they set boundaries you think are unreasonable.

Instead, sit back and be a neutral observer, and keep all your thoughts to yourself.

I respectfully disagree with the parenting experts who continue to tell grandparents that this is the way to harmony. I understand the dangers in grandparents criticizing and interfering. There are plenty of grandparents who have trouble relinquishing their lifetime of telling their children what to do. Grandparents do need to realize they aren’t in charge anymore. They often need to bite their tongue, but doesn’t mean never talking.

Can you think of any other relationship where the advice for getting along better is to communicate less?

There is a better way to be a loving grandparent and supportive partner to your grandchild’s parents: Establish a healthy, open dialog where everyone feels supported and understood.

Grandparents can be the leaders in this dialog. Before the baby is even born, ask questions that show you want to learn about your adult children’s plans and support their choices. (New Grandparent Essentials includes a guide to the most important questions to ask.) Share your own feelings and hopes about your role as a grandparent. Talk openly about boundaries and what to do if one of you feels they’ve been crossed.

But don’t just talk. Listen.

Actively listening is vital to good relationships. If you are truly listening, your grandchild’s parents will come away with a sense that what they have to say is important. They’ll know that you are a grandparent who wants to listen and learn. More than that, they will understand that they are of value. That builds trust, so that when you have something to say, they’ll know you are coming from a place of love and respect.

Just zipping it isn’t the answer to being a good grandparent. Talking and listening is.

Related Posts:
How New Grandparents Can Avoid a Communication Breakdown
When Grandparents Don't Listen to Parents
Don’t Forget the Children

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​Being a supportive, loving grandparent starts during the pregnancy

​What’s the best thing to do while you wait for your grandbaby to be born? If you answered, “Buy stuff for the baby!”, you’d be in good company.

But you’d also be wrong.
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The months before a baby’s birth are a complicated time for expectant parents, especially with their first baby. They are preparing for a major life change: one that’s physical, mental, emotional, financial and more. There are things they need far more than baby clothes, and grandparents are the perfect people to provide that assistance.

Your role as a supportive grandparent starts as soon as you see that ultrasound picture or get that phone call. Now is the time to set up habits that will help you avoid common grandparent mistakes and become an integral part of your grandchild’s life.

While you wait for your grandbaby to be born, here are the best things to do to show your adult children that you want to be supportive partners when they become parents:

Start talking
An open dialog about your role as a grandparent is a crucial ingredient in a happy, healthy family. New parents are often hesitant to set boundaries with grandparents, because they’ve spent a lifetime as the “child” in the relationship. One of the kindest things you can do for new parents is to show your willingness to respect parent boundaries by initiating the conversation and asking what those boundaries are. (Partnering with Parents, part of New Grandparent Essentials, gives you all the questions you should ask and the best way to ask them.)

Help with projects
The closer it gets to a baby arriving, the longer parents’ task list seems to be. If you are a local grandparent, offer to help tackle that list. While parents usually enjoy doing things to prepare for the baby themselves, you can help in other ways. Show you understand your supporting role by raking the yard while they assemble the crib or dropping off dinner when they are painting the nursery. The key is to make concrete offers and not be hurt if your assistance isn’t needed or appreciated.

Fill the freezer
Stocking the freezer before baby’s birth is a great way to help new parents. Healthy meals and snacks that require little to no preparation are a life-saver in those early weeks. Read this blog post for lots of ideas and recipes!

Educate yourself
A lot has changed since you had a baby! It’s exhausting to new parents to have to constantly explain why they aren’t doing things the same way grandparents did. Read up on the latest child care and safety recommendations. You can also follow parenting experts on social media. Some of my favorites are @safeintheseat, @pedsdoctalk, and @safebeginnings. Your goal is to learn about the most current recommendations for your own information. Don’t try to educate the parents, though asking what they think about what you are learning is fine.

Support their mental health
There is a mental health crisis right now, and new parents are especially vulnerable. Learn about warning signs of anxiety and depression, and encourage your adult child to seek professional help if you are worried. Encourage them to research therapists before the baby is born, in case they need help afterwards. Don’t be the parent who wonders what they did wrong if their adult child decides to see a therapist.

Buy gifts for them
Yes, those baby clothes are nearly irresistible. But before you blow your budget on those, consider spending money on gifts that will truly support new parents. Gift certificates for a prenatal massage or a dinner out while they are still childless are two great ideas. I love giving moms-to-be the Postpartum Planning Toolkit from Like A Sister. They’ve got other great offers for supportive gifts, like personalized feeding classes and post-partum doula support.

And of course, our own digital grandparenting guide, New Grandparent Essentials, is the ultimate way to prepare to be a supportive grandparent while you are waiting for the baby.  It will give you the questions you need to ask to help set boundaries, the latest in child care and safety, and resources for further information and inspiration.

The anticipation of a new grandbaby is an exciting time. If you use this time to establish patterns of communication and support that focus on the parents, by the time the baby arrives you will have proven that you are someone they can count on as they raise your precious grandchild. 
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