Does mindfulness fit with your goals as a grandparent?

Finally! Covid restrictions had eased, we’d all been vaccinated, and we were going to spend a glorious six days with our grandchildren and their parents! It had been seven months since we’d seen them, and the baby had gone from a barely scooting bug to a fully walking toddler. We’d missed so much! I was determined to make the most of every day. I’d read Grandparenting: Renew, Relive, Rejoice and was committed to being fully present during the short time we’d have together.

Within a day, I realized I’d forgotten something crucial: being with small children is an endurance sport, and I’m not an endurance athlete. Trying to be fully present created an intense overload on my system, especially after the cocoon I’d been living in during Covid. So how could I use the lessons of mindfulness to deepen our relationship without ending up longing for the end of the visit? What was I doing wrong, that one day with my grandchildren left me exhausted?

That night, I reread my grandparent vision statement and Grand Plan*. No where did my grandparenting plan include being fully present at all times. What it did include was letting my grandchildren know they were important to me, and helping out my children as much as possible. I needed to take the principles of mindfulness and apply them to help me be the grandmother I wanted to be. There were five ways to be more mindful that I found fit well with my goals.

When Donne Davis became a grandmother, she gathered a circle of women who were as “gaga” over their grandbabies as she was. They named themselves the GaGa Sisterhood, and became an important source of support for one another as they navigated their new role. Over the years, she has shared the collective wisdom of the GaGa Sisterhood on her website and blog, and in a small but mighty book called “When Being a Grandma isn’t So Grand”.

Davis’ book is a quick read, but offers a valuable lesson for all grandparents about prioritizing the relationship with your grandchild's parents. Although it is aimed at grandmothers, the insight it offers will be just as beneficial for grandfathers. Davis interviewed 50 mothers to better understand what they needed—and didn’t need—from grandparents. She shares her discoveries in a few short chapters, often in the moms’ own words. Her clear and engaging writing will give the reader a better understanding of how to support parents and avoid some of the pitfalls that can sour a relationship.

“When Being a Grandma isn’t So Grand” is a great companion to New Grandparents 101, and a worthwhile addition to any grandparent’s library. Click here to order a copy from Amazon.

When is the last time your grandchildren visited? For many of us, it’s been well over a year. For some of you, your new grandbaby has never been a visitor to your home! Now that more and more of us are vaccinated and summer is approaching, many of us are looking forward to summer visits from our children and grandchildren. It’s time to think about what we can do to make sure everyone enjoys the visit—or at least departs without swearing never to return!
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First, keep your expectations realistic. Yes, there will be hugs and funny faces and love flowing all day long. But there will also be crying, and small bodies whacking you behind the knees when you least expect it, and crumbs and stickiness everywhere. There will be parents having bad moments, and children having worse ones. It will not be a small slice of heaven. There will be wonderful memories made, but it will be hard work for all the adults in the house.

​What can you do to make more memories and less hard work? Parents want you to know that each of the following will make their, and consequently your, life easier:

Make an effort now to make stays at your house as easy as possible for the parents. This will ensure that visits will continue long into the future. Think of it as investment: As your grandchildren get older, visits will be more and more rewarding for you.
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Do you have other suggestions to make visits go smoothly? Share them in the comments!

Remember, you are all on the same team

The last time I was visiting my son and his family, my granddaughter called me Grandma more than once. She usually corrected herself, but I didn’t make a big deal out of it either way. We both know I’m DeeDee. Grandma is her other grandmother.
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She loves Grandma. She loves me. And if her three-year-old mind confuses two people who love her dearly, she’s human. (There is fascinating research on the way we confuse the names of family members, and dogs, but not cats!) 

My grandchildren have, somewhat quaintly, just four grandparents. They are, against the odds, the products of two adults whose parents are still married to each other. Many of our friends have grandchildren with multiple sets of grandparents. One of our best friends, Stu, is one of four grandfathers to his grandchildren: Stu, Stu’s son-in-law’s father, and Stu’s step-daughter’s father and his husband. That’s a lot of names for Grandpa for those kids to keep straight! There are also, rather mundanely, two grandmothers.

I suspect many of you have Other Grandparents in your life. If you are lucky, as I am, they are lovely people with whom you feel fortunate to share grandchildren. But even then, it’s inevitable that you will sometimes feel jealous or left out. It’s human nature.
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So how do you deal with it if you find yourself wondering if the other grandparents are going to be the favorites because they can afford more lavish gifts, live closer, or are able to be more active in your grandchildren’s lives? What if you are dealing with jealousy, inferiority, or competitiveness—on your side or on the part of the other grandparents? This can be especially difficult if the other grandparents include ex-spouses.

​New parents aren’t the only ones with worries about this new adventure!

Do you remember finding out you were going to be a grandparent? For most of us, it was a thrilling moment! The excitement of having a little one to cuddle and love, the anticipation of watching this new little person learn and grow! The adventures you’ll have and the memories you’ll make! The visions of the family stories and traditions you’ll hand down!

Does any of that sound familiar? Most of us start daydreaming (and shopping!) long before the baby arrives. For many of us, though, there are also worries:

• Will I be a good enough grandparent?
• Will I be able to keep up with the newest trends and information?
• Will I do something to mess up with my grandbaby’s parents?
• Will I be able bond with my new grandchild when I can’t be there because of money, time or distance?
• Will what I want as a grandparent line up with what the parents want from me?
• Will the other grandparents have a closer relationship?

These are the things that keep us awake at 3am. The things we talk about with our closest friends. The things we spend time searching for on the internet.

These are the things that we try to help you with at More Than Grand.
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If you are one of the rare grandparents who doesn’t have some sort of worry about how to be the best grandparent possible, please share your secret with the rest of us! But if you wish there were a way to ease some of your fears, you may be in luck. When our new course launches next week, it will address the most common worries grandparents have and provide tools to allay them. You’ll be able to create a plan that will help you sleep at night and go back to solving world peace with your closest friends.  

Want to know more? Make sure you are on our email list so you get all the details! 

What do parents want grandparents to know?

What do parents want from grandparents? I’ll give you a hint: it’s not baby clothes or fancy toys.

Here’s what parents DO want:
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They want someone who is excited to cuddle and love their little one, who will be the head of the baby’s fan club.

They want someone who will celebrate all the milestones and easily move past the missteps their child makes as they grow up.

They want someone to pass on family stories and traditions.

They want someone who will help fill their child’s life with adventures and memories.

But most of all, parents want you to be partners as they raise their children.

They want their children to have supportive, involved grandparents. They want to know they can count on you for help or guidance when either parent or grandchild needs it. They want to know that if they talk to you about something, you’ll be open to listening and helping them. They want you to see and respect boundaries. They want to know that you understand how hard parenting a child in the digital age is, and that social media gives them more than enough unsolicited advice.

There are other things they want, and these vary wildly. Some parents want grandparents to only buy organic cotton baby clothes. Some want to keep their child away from the television news. Some want to make sure dinner is at 5:30 sharp every single day. These are the things that can be pitfalls for grandparents if we don’t know and respect them.

In our enthusiasm about being a grandparent, it can be easy to make mistakes. We may overstep our bounds, dismiss a request that seems unimportant, or rationalize something we really want to do. Our children, who even as adults still want to be loved by us, may not say anything that might rock the boat. If our missteps continue, they may pull away without us knowing why, and pull the grandchildren with them. And we are left to guess where we went wrong.

Wouldn’t it be nice if we didn’t have to guess? If we knew what to ask to avoid potential pitfalls, right from the beginning? As one of my readers wrote to me recently, “Being so new at this, I don’t know what I don’t know.”

What if I told you that this is exactly what we’ve been hard at work creating? A way for you to map a path to an open, supportive partnership with parents that will allow you to be the grandparent you want to be, and the grandparent they hope you’ll be, as well. It’s coming soon, and we can’t wait to share it with you.

Update: New Grandparents 101 is now available here!

Tips for supporting new parents with love and encouragement

​When I wrote last week about the importance of showing your love for your grandchildren’s parents, I had a reader ask for specific ideas, especially for those of us at a distance. This week, I want to share some of those ideas!

Don’t just say, “Let me know if I can help.” Very few people will ever take you up on such an offer, and your own children are often less likely to do so. Rather, suggest specific ways you could help. Of course, this can be tricky, because there is always the risk that your offer will be translated as a criticism. If you were to say, “I’d love to pay for a housecleaning service”, there is every chance that what your daughter-in-law will hear is “You are a terrible housekeeper.”

Instead, try saying something like this: “I’d love to do something to help lighten your load. Would you be interested in some help with laundry, or housekeeping, or maybe a meal service?” Or “I remember how hard it is to have any time to yourself and I’d love to do something to help you. Can I pay for a sitter/watch the baby so you can go get a massage?”

There are more ways to help new parents in this post, but make sure your offer to help is presented in a judgement-free way. “I stumbled on an article about family sleep consultants. Did you know they existed? Look into it and see if it’s something that might interest you—I’d be happy to help cover the cost. I wish I’d know about them when I had little ones!” This is more likely to succeed than, “It must be hard (judgement alert!) to have Harvey still waking up so much at night. Let me hire a sleep consultant to get him sorted out.”

​Author Richard Eyre give us a handbook for every grandfather.

Looking for books for a new grandmother to help her embrace her new role? There are several great choices. Looking for books for a new grandfather? Not so easy! So far, I’ve only found one: Being a Proactive Grandfather by Richard Eyre.

Luckily, it’s all any grandfather really needs. Eyre, as a grandfather to roughly 30 grandchildren, has enough experience to know what works. He shares his creative and practical ideas in a way that makes you wish you could get started right away. While some of his methods will be difficult for long-distance grandfathers or those who are still actively working, the concepts behind them will inspire every grandfather who is committed to a real relationship with their grandchildren.

Eyre sums it up here:
"Passive grandfathering—just paying a little attention once in a while or trying to lend a bit of financial support as needed—is not much fun. The thing that often holds us back from greater involvement with our grandkids is that, in some ways, they lie a bit outside our comfort zones. We don’t know exactly what they need or how to go about Proactive Grandfathering."

Being a Proactive Grandfather is an excellent guide for those grandfathers who don’t know how to get outside their comfort zone, or for those who want more ideas to help shape their role as Grandpa. This one is worth buying for every grandfather!