Few of us would admit to being grandparents who don’t listen to parents, but some—perhaps many—of us are. According to one poll, when parents asked grandparents to change their behavior, fewer than half of the grandparents complied. Though not all grandparents flat out refused to change, almost a third of the grandparents agreed to change and then didn’t.

Granted, no doubt some of these grandparents had their reasons for not changing. But many grandparents who don't listen to parents simply aren’t hearing what the parents are trying to say. Grandparents may be distracted, or are trying to mind read instead of listening. Good listening is a skill, and a vital one for grandparents.

Why?​

1. Grandparents are learning new roles and creating new relationships—even with our adult children. Listening allows us to navigate the changing dynamics within our families. It helps to prevent misunderstandings and create strong bonds.
2. As we get older, we get set in our ways. We often see new methods of parenting as being wrong just because they are different from the way we did things. Listening is a crucial part of being able to learn, giving us the tools to fully support our grandchild’s parents.
3. Listening signals respect and caring for our children and their families. When we feel listened to, we feel valued and loved. There is no better way to signal our love and respect than to show we are listening—and hearing. 

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Luckily, it’s possible to improve your listening skills by practicing active listening. Active listening is more than just hearing words – it’s fully concentrating on what’s being said.  You listen with all of your senses and give your full attention to the person speaking. Here are eight ways to do that:

1. Give nonverbal feedback to show you are listening
Make eye contact with the speaker—aim for about 60% to 70% of the time while you are listening. Lean toward the other person, and nod your head occasionally. Smile, or mirror their expressions, and keep your arms uncrossed.

2. Be patient
Be patient while you listen. We are capable of listening much faster than others can speak. Don’t try to fill silences: let them find the words they are searching for.

3. Be neutral and nonjudgmental
Be open, neutral, and withhold judgment while listening. Don’t criticize, even in your head.

4. Don't interrupt while the other person is speaking
Don’t prepare your reply while the other person speaks; the last thing that he or she says may change the meaning of what has already been said.

5. Watch nonverbal behavior to pick up on hidden meaning
Facial expressions, tone of voice, and other behaviors can sometimes tell you more than words alone.

6. Ask questions
Show interest by asking questions to clarify what is said. Ask open-ended questions to encourage the speaker to elaborate. Avoid closed yes-or-no questions, which tend to shorten conversations.

7. Reflect back what is said
Rather than offering unsolicited advice or opinions, paraphrase what has been said. You might start this off by saying "In other words, what you are saying is...".  This allows the speaker to elaborate or correct anything you’ve misunderstood.

8. Ask more questions
Asking for clarification about anything that you don’t understand fully shows you are paying attention. By asking questions, you create engagement and the speaker will feel heard and feel valued.
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eing present and really listening to what others have to say takes patience and practice, especially if we have listening habits that keep us from hearing and connecting with others. Think about what your barriers are to good listening and be conscious of them the next time you’re in a conversation. Then work on changing that, one behavior or one person at a time.

Really listening to someone creates engagement, which is vital to good relationships. Your grandchild’s parents will come away with a sense that what they have to say is important, and more than that, they understand that they are of value. They’ll know that you are a grandparent who wants to listen and learn. What’s more, you’ll avoid small misunderstandings that can become major issues. Who would have guessed that stronger bonds start with your ears?​

Long-distance grandparents around the world rejoiced when Helen Ellis released her book in April, 2021. While living far away from grandchildren is never easy, the global pandemic made even rare visits impossible for many families. Ellis’ book, with its many stories and academic tone, gives comfort to those grandparents who are struggling with their long-distance role. Being a Distance Grandparent covers both the emotional experience and the practicalities of long-distance grandparenting: How hard it is to worry from afar. Where to stay when you visit. The uncertainties, the jealousies, and the difficulties of different time zones.
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Ellis started the project as her master’s thesis, and it shows in the way her information is presented. Each topic that impacts distance families is presented, discussed and illustrated with real-world stories from distance families themselves. It’s a book about being a distance grandparent, rather than a book of advice for long-distance grandparents. Ellis makes it clear that she has not set out to tell you how to be a good distance grandparent, as only you and your family can know how that looks. However, she does sprinkle advice amongst her stories and experiences, and you will find many helpful ideas throughout the book.

Being a Distance Grandparent will be especially relatable for internationally separated families. Though it has plenty for all distance grandparents, many of the topics weren’t issues faced by my own family, separated only by a few US states and two time zones.  For those families who are dealing with longer distances and international borders, Ellis’ book will help you realize that you aren’t alone. What’s more, you’ll see ways to overcome the struggles you are experiencing as you try to forge and maintain a relationship with your grandchildren.

​No matter what the distance separating your family, reading Being a Distance Grandparent will give you a deeper understanding of how to minimize its impact. Order a copy today.

 ​How too many gifts from grandparents are a problem for everyone

I was recently interviewed for an article for PureWow called “How to Tell Grandparents to (Please) Stop Buying Your Kids So Much Damn Stuff”.  It’s always helpful to read articles like this aimed at parents, because it gives such insight to their perspective on hot topics. “Too much stuff from grandparents” is at the top of the list of topics that parents struggle with, especially at this time of year. Too many grandparents don’t pay attention to the boundaries parents try to set: 75% of the parents we surveyed wanted grandparents to respect their wishes about gifts.

One reason for what’s been called “a crisis of overabundance” is that there is so much available for such low prices. A grandparent can spend $50 and get several toys or multiple outfits. It’s tempting to buy more when what you wanted to buy is only $12.99, because your grandchild is worth so much more!

When grandparents give too many gifts, it is nearly always to show their love for their grandchildren. Gifts show how much we value our grandchildren, and how much we want to delight them. It’s hard to consider that those motivations can result in problems. However, there are real and valid reasons for parents to try to limit gifts from grandparents. These aren’t just small problems for the parents. They can be big ones, and they can also affect the children and grandparents themselves. 
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So Much Damn Stuff
Parents have many reasons they don’t want too many gifts from grandparents. The one most often cited, and most often waved away by grandparents, is the sheer volume of stuff. Many parents don’t have the physical space to accommodate the toys indulgent grandparents buy. Even if they do, parents are the ones responsible for storing and picking up all those toys. Yes, the kids should be putting them away—but the reality is that even if they are, the parents are responsible for getting them to do it.

Another thing to consider here is that you, as a grandparent, are only one of the people giving gifts to your grandchild. Let’s do a little math here: Say your grandson has four other grandparents and four aunts and uncles. Each of these people get him one gift for his second birthday. That’s already nine gifts. Plus something from mom and dad—we are up to ten. But if all those grandparents buy him three things, and two of the aunts get him an extra little something—that’s 22 presents. For a 2-year-old, who would be just as happy with a box.

Stealing the limelight
While it’s natural to want to be the one to grant your granddaughter’s most heartfelt desire, consider that her parents might want to be the ones to get credit for giving her the skateboard she wants more than anything in the world. It’s only fair to give them first chance at that, which is why it’s vital to discuss your gift giving strategy ahead of holidays and birthdays.

There’s another reason it’s important to check with parents before buying something. As children get older, parents can use a child’s desire for a new Lego set or the latest book by their favorite author as incentive for reaching a goal. One mother told me how hard her son was working towards making sure he remembered to turn in his homework every day.  They’d agreed that if he could do it for a full month, he’d get the newest Pokemon game. But Grandma, knowing how much he has been anticipating the game release, arrived at the house with the game long before the month was up. Mom was left without the valuable incentive she’d counted on, and the homework habit slipped right back to where it had been.
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Undermining their values
Many parents want to raise their children with values of minimalism or environmental awareness. It can be a struggle teach children to value people and experiences over belongings if they come to equate their grandparents with abundant gifts. This is especially difficult for parents who choose not to have certain types of products in their home, like battery-operated toys or clothing made in sweatshops. As grandparents, it’s important for us to respect that, and to value our adult children’s decisions as parents.   

Too many toys=less imaginative play
Are you buying toys because you think your grandchild will valuable playtime with them? You might want to think again: Research is pretty convincing that having fewer toys leads to better quality play.  With fewer toys to choose from, children interact with the toys in more creative ways and play with them for longer. This sustained play leads to all sorts of positive outcomes, from motor skill development to better problem solving. In other words, more toys doesn’t equal better play.

Do too many gifts spoil a child?
There’s a scene in the first Harry Potter book where the dreadful Dudley Dursley is counting the gifts he received on his birthday. "Thirty-six. That's two less than last year!" While this is a fictional exaggeration, many grandparents are creating similar expectations in their grandchildren. If you rush to make sure they have everything they could possibly desire, they will grow up with the assumption that they deserve everything they want. Eventually, life will teach them otherwise, and it will be a hard lesson. It’s much kinder to keep them from having to learn that lesson by not over-indulging them from the start.
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Creating negative habits
Another negative effect of too much stuff is the impact it can have on your grandchild’s consumer habits. When a child becomes accustomed to having an abundance of things, they will consider that the norm. When they are first supporting themselves, they may feel deprived if that abundance isn’t possible, or they may develop negative spending habits to fill that sense of need. Again, you can set them up for future success by limiting what you buy them now.

Focus on the relationship, or the gifts?
When grandparents give too many gifts, it changes the dynamic in the grandparent-grandchild relationship. I only see my grandchildren 3-4 times a year, but I decided very early on that I wasn’t going bring a little something to my grandchildren with every visit. I realized that before long, I would be greeted with “What did you bring me?” instead of ”DeeDee! I missed you!” I wanted them to be happy to see me and Pops for ourselves, and I didn’t want to set up a habit that would change that. This also means that I focus on them, rather than their reaction to whatever I might have brought.

Setting up conflict with your adult children
Parents are asking the internet how to limit gifts from grandparents because the grandparents aren’t listening—or because they are afraid of bringing up the subject for fear grandparents will take offense. If your adult children haven’t talked to you about gift giving, don’t assume there isn’t a problem. Bring up the subject yourself! Download our free resource, “A Grandparent’s Guide to Happy Holidays” for tips on how to have that conversation.  

Financial peril
Suzanne was so thrilled with the birth of her first grandchild that she went overboard with gifts. When the second one was born, she did the same. By the time the fifth grandchild arrived, she had retired and had a much more limited income. But because she had set up a pattern of buying expensive gifts for her grandchildren, she continued to do so for fear that they or their parents would be upset with anything less. This sometimes meant scrimping on things she needed for herself. How much easier it would have been if she hadn’t gone overboard to begin with, or if she had felt able to have an honest conversation with her children!
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Help Change the Narrative
“My son and his wife have told me I’m only allowed to buy one gift per child. This is so unfair! Buying things for my grandkids is one of my favorite hobbies and I don’t think they should tell me I can’t!”

I cringed when I read this on a grandparenting forum, but I was even more disheartened to see so many people agreeing with the poster that she should ignore her son’s request and give the grandkids as much stuff as she wanted to buy. If buying stuff for your grandkids is one of your favorite hobbies, consider finding a new hobby—one that will create opportunities for true connection. The bonds you build by spending time together are far more lasting—and far cheaper!

Has this made you reconsider your own gift-giving? Please let us know in the comments!
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​An explanation of baby-led weaning for grandparents

I was a little alarmed one day during our FaceTime call to see my 8-month-old granddaughter gnawing on a large piece of pear. She only had four teeth, and those weren’t even good for chewing! Why wasn’t she being fed easy-to-swallow applesauce or something like that? Knowing that my son and daughter-in-law wouldn’t purposely endanger their child, I asked them to educate me.

“Have you heard of baby-led weaning?” my daughter-in-law asked. When I admitted I hadn’t, she shared a little information. After reading more about it, I realized she wasn’t the only parent faced with how to explain baby led weaning to grandparents.

One of the challenges of being a grandparent is accepting that the way we did things as parents might not have been the best way possible. Such is the case with baby-led weaning vs purees. It was the accepted standard to feed our babies smoothly pureed foods, usually starting with rice cereal. Research now shows there is a better way, and baby-led weaning is gaining in popularity.  

Spoon-feeding purees to babies is something that became the norm in the late 1940’s, when the advice was to start solids at four months. Now we know that a baby’s digestive system isn’t ready for solid food until 6 months or later, and that earlier introduction to solid foods increases the likelihood of allergies.  ​

First off, “Baby-led weaning” is a somewhat misleading name, because weaning is only part of the equation. Personally, I prefer the alternate term “baby-led feeding”, because that’s the main focus of the concept. The idea is that by providing a wide variety of appropriate finger foods, parents allow babies to choose what and how much to eat. This exposes them to a wide variety of tastes and textures, and allows them to form a healthy relationship to food. One study reported that “Baby-led weaning promotes healthy food preferences in early childhood, which may protect against obesity.” ​

​By offering solids to babies in addition to their regular intake of breast milk or formula, babies are in charge of how much of each they consume. A baby will naturally start relying more on solid foods and less on milk when they are ready, usually close to their first birthday. 

Choking can happen with any food at any age. It’s vital to understand and follow the guidance on when a baby is ready for solids and which foods to begin with. (See below for some resources on those points.) Following those guidelines will minimize the chance of choking, but will not eliminate it. Close supervision during meals is necessary, and parents and caregivers should be educated about how to help a choking child. (Start with this blog post to know why!) 
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But it’s also important to understand the difference between choking, when food blocks the airway completely, and gagging, which is a normal reflex to prevent choking. According to experts, the gag reflex is very close to the front of the mouth in a young baby, meaning they will gag long before the food is far enough back to block their throat. As the baby gets older, the reflex moves farther back in the mouth. Baby-led weaning helps them learn to chew and swallow while the reflex is still in a place in their mouth that helps prevent choking.

This blog post, like all information on our website, is meant to give grandparents insight into what parents want them to know. It’s not meant to provide information that grandparents should then use to try to educate parents. If your adult children are using a different feeding method, that’s fine. There’s no need to try to convince them that baby-led weaning is better. Depending on your relationship with them, it may be fine to ask if they’ve heard of it. Only if they show curiosity should you share what you’ve learned. It may be better to just share a link to a website and let them take it from there. 

Are there other new trends that have left you confused? Let me know in the comments!

Further reading
The definitive book on baby-led weaning by Gill Rapley,  Baby-Led Weaning

A thorough explanation of baby-led weaning and what it entails. 

More on baby-led weaning from the Cleveland Clinic, in case you want a more official site. 

An interesting history of baby food. 

​Old baby cribs can be dangerous for your grandchild.

Your grandbaby is coming to visit and your neighbor has offered to lend you the crib they have stored in their spare room. Should you accept their offer?

If the crib is more than 10 years old, the answer is almost certainly no.

In 2011, the drop-sided cribs we all used when our children were babies were outlawed. Too many infants were trapped in the space between the bars and the mattress when the mechanism became loose or damaged. Over 9 years, 32 babies died and many more had close calls.

Even if it’s not a drop-side crib, old cribs can be unsafe. There are safety considerations you need to be aware of before using any old crib. As of December 2021, the Consumer Product Safety Commission recommends making the following safety checks on any crib.
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​Check your used crib for safety
Is the mattress firm and tight-fitting? Can you fit more than two fingers between mattress and crib frame? If so, don’t use it.

There should be no more than 2 3/8 inches between crib slats. Can you pass a soda can between the slats? If so, a baby's body could fit through the slats. Don’t use it.

Are there any missing or cracked slats? If so, don’t use it.

Are there corner posts over 1/16th inch high? If so, a baby’s clothing could get stuck on them, causing strangulation. Don’t use it.

Are there cutouts in the headboard or footboard? A baby's head could get trapped—don’t use it.
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Are there any missing, loose, broken or improperly installed screws, brackets or other hardware on the crib or mattress support? If so, don’t use it.
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Mesh-sided portable cribs
Maybe you found a great deal on a used portable crib instead. These, too, need to be carefully examined before putting your grandchild in one. To see if a mesh-sided crib or play yard is safe, look for all of the following:

Is the size of the mesh over 1/4”? If so, the tiny buttons on a baby's clothing could get stuck, causing strangulation. Don’t use it.

Are there any tears or holes in the mesh or the top rail cover? If so, don’t use it.

Is the mesh securely attached to the top rail and floor plate? If not, don’t use it.
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Are there loose, missing or exposed staples? If so, don’t use it. 

See the full guidance and check for any changes here.

These safety checks should be made before each visit from your grandchildren. Don’t assume that the portable crib you used for the last grandchild will still be in perfect shape for the next one! Always do a safety check as part of your routine for getting ready for a visit. 

And finally, if the crib you plan to use passes all these safety checks, look for safety issues at recalls.gov.

​Now you can be sure you are providing a safe place for your precious grandchild to sleep!

Putting baby to sleep
While you may not be in charge of putting baby down in that crib, it’s important to know the latest safety tips so parents aren’t stuck with educating you. Here’s the safest way for baby to sleep:

Place baby on his/her back.

Nothing should be in the crib except the baby. No pillows, blankets, quilts, comforters, sheepskins, bumper pads or stuffed toys in the crib. Keep baby warm with a sleep sack instead of a blanket.

Use only a fitted bottom sheet specifically made for the size of crib you are using.

Whatever you do, don’t be the grandparent who says, “We did it this way and nothing happened to you!” Something did happen to someone else’s child, causing these changes to be made. So let’s all check our old baby cribs before we put our new babies in them!
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​How grandparents can help new parents (even from a distance)

Do you remember those early holidays as a new family? There was so much to do! Decorating the house, buying and wrapping gifts, traveling or prepping for guests, planning meals and baking cookies and making memories! All on top of the day-to-day chaos of the baby and toddler years. For some reason, the elves never showed up to help with the dishes, or the gift wrapping, or anything at all! Luckily, grandparents can help new parents in a variety of ways during the holidays, whether they live close by or far away.
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If you live close by, there are lots of things you can do to help new parents. Here are some things you might offer to do:

• Drop off meals. Having a stocked freezer or a night off from cooking can be a big relief.
• Let them know when you are on the way to the store and ask if they need anything.
• Offer to watch kids for a shopping night or holiday parties (but don’t be insulted if they say no).
• Ask what they are having trouble crossing off their to-do list, and offer to help with it.

The key is to help out without making things harder for them. Having them over for dinner gives them a break from cooking, but it also creates another obligation on their time and energy. They might like having someone else do the grocery shopping, or they might like having someone watch the baby while they go to the store all by themselves. It’s easy to figure out what to do: just ask, listen, and then respect their answer. 
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If you live at a distance and will be visiting for the holidays, your ability to help will be more limited, especially if your visit is short. Your focus should be on making your visit as easy as possible for them. Here are some tips:

• Come without demands. The shorter the visit, the more important this is. A holiday visit isn’t the time to insist you take the baby for photos with Santa, or that Christmas brunch won’t be complete without your mother’s traditional cranberry crêpes.
• Be willing helpers. Let them know ahead of time you hope to be useful while you are there.
• Offer to stay at a hotel. House guests, no matter how helpful, are draining. Time alone can be a blessing for all of you.
• Offer to cook a meal or pay for takeout, and then clean up afterwards.

See the rest of our suggestions for holiday visits in our post, What Parents Want Grandparents to Know About Celebrating Holidays in 2021.
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If you live at a distance and won’t be visiting, there are still ways to help new parents. Here are a few ideas:

• Consider giving them a gift that will help with holiday meals. Send a fully baked-ham, an Edible Arrangement, or a local restaurant gift card.
• Offer to pay for help. Meal delivery, laundry services, housekeeping—it can all be arranged from a distance. See our suggestions for household help that can lighten the load for new parents here.
• Ask if they’d like you to pay for someone to help with holiday errands like standing in line at the post office. You can even hire out gift wrapping!
• Share your hopes for virtual time together, but let them know you are flexible and will take whatever you can get. 

​You can see more ideas on how to help new parents from a distance in our discussion of creative ways to help new parents when grandparents can’t be there.
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Whether you are near or far, new parents will appreciate your help at the holidays, as long as it is help they really need. If you’ve set up good communication habits, you won’t have any trouble finding out what you can do to make their holiday brighter.

(If you have trouble communicating openly, check out New Grandparent Essentials!)
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As an Amazon affiliate, I may receive a commission for purchases made through these links at no additional cost to you. Thank you for helping to keep this site ad-free. 

Although I love children and grandchildren at every age, I can’t deny that the preschool years are my favorite. From ages two to five, children are in a developmental explosion! It’s so much fun to watch them figure out how to do things, and to hear the hilarious and wise things they say.
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Thoughtful gifts for two-, three- and four-year-olds can help them as their language, motor and emotional skills develop. Take time to ask their parents what sorts of gifts will be welcome and what they'd like to avoid. Respecting their wishes as you shop will make everyone happier. Here are some of the best gift ideas for preschoolers.
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Activities
Gym classes, music classes, peewee sports, swimming lessons—there are a multitude of activities for preschoolers in every town. Check with mom and dad to find out if they’d like you to pay for an activity for your grandchild, and let them make the decision on what might be best. If you want to have something for the little one to open, get them something to go with the activity: a set of music makers, a swimsuit, etc. ​

Toys that Develop Motor Skills
Fine motor skills, like grasping and manipulation, develop rapidly if the right tools are provided. I love the Balancing Boat by PlanToys, which has multiple ways to play depending on the child’s age and skill. This is also a key stage for developing large motor skills, so anything that gets the whole body moving is ideal. Look for a right-sized scooter, balance bike, or tricycle (don’t forget a helmet!). Or if your grandchild’s parents have the room and would like one, a slide or climbing gym is a great gift.

The Best Picture Books
Picture books allow a child to develop concentration and language skills. Two- to five-year-olds love rhyme and repetition, and the best books make reading a pleasure for the adults in the family. Some of our favorites include Pirate Stew,  Unicorn (and Horse), The Hidden Rainbow, Silly Sally, Frog on a Log, and The Little Red Hen (Makes a Pizza).

Memberships for the Family
A membership to the zoo, aquarium or children’s museum is a gift that will provide a year of enjoyment for the whole family. Again, check with your grandchild’s parents to see if this is something they’d like. To find a zoo or aquarium near your grandchildren's family, check the American Zoo Association directory. 

Dress-ups
Pretend play explodes around the age of three, and nothing is more fun than pretending to be someone else. A good dress-up box is a perfect Christmas gift for three-year-olds. Look for elements that can be imagined in multiple ways—they might be lurking in your own closet! Hem an old party dress so it’s short enough for a little one, and put in those shoes you bought for a wedding and never wear. Check thrift stores for costume jewelry and hats, fancy shoes and clothes. If you’d like, purchase a kit of basics, like this one. 

This is also a great age to start giving gifts that provide opportunity for connection. If you are a long-distance grandparent, make sure you read oursuggestions for gifts for grandchildren who live far away.

Do you have ideas for gifts that we should include? Let us know in the comments!
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Ideas for Your Grandchild's First Christmas 
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Baby’s first Christmas! It’s so exciting for everyone involved—except, most often, the baby. Whether they are a newborn or nearly a year old, your grandbaby is not likely to enjoy this Christmas as much as future ones! That doesn’t mean you can’t make the holiday special, however. Here are some fun ways to include your new grandbaby in your Christmas celebration. 
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Baby’s First Christmas Gift Ideas
It really doesn’t matter if there is a gift wrapped and sitting under the tree. Your grandbaby won’t care or remember, which is why so many of our suggestions in our last post, 6 Surefire Gifts for Babies, are for experiences over “things”. If you are looking for Baby's First Christmas gift ideas, that’s a good place to start.

Another idea for baby’s first Christmas present is to start a gift tradition. Start a collection on their behalf, and add to it each Christmas. It makes gift buying easy and provides them with something special when they are grown. Read our ideas for annual gifts here.
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Baby's First Christmas Outfit
It's hard to resist a baby in a set of “My 1st Christmas” pajamas. There are so many to choose from that I had trouble picking a favorite to share! I finally landed on this set, but you may find one you like better! Click here for a whole bunch of options. 

Christmas Books for Babies
There are a wide variety of Christmas board books out there. These are full of bright pictures and simple text. Some of them have flaps to lift or textures to touch and feel. They are all sturdy and easy to hold, making them the best books for baby’s first Christmas:

​Baby’s First Christmas Ornament
An ornament marking baby’s first Christmas is a lovely gift. Keep your eye out for a handmade one if you go to any local Christmas craft fairs, or order one from Etsy or Amazon. You can get one that says “Baby’s 1st Christmas, or get one personalized with their name. Or just get one with the year, like this beautiful silver sleigh bell by Wallace.  Choosing an ornament each year is a popular way to help your grandchild decorate their first tree when they are an adult! 

While it’s tempting to keep your attention focused on baby’s first Christmas, remember it’s also your adult child’s first Christmas as a parent. Don’t forget to make them feel special, too! Let them lead the celebration, and clear all gifts with them. Make sure you’ve read What Parents Want Grandparents to Know About Celebrating Holidays in 2021 to make sure you can all enjoy the festivities.

Enjoy this first Christmas as grandparents, and don’t forget to make sure you get a photo of you with your grandchild if you are lucky enough to be there in person. They will treasure that photo someday!
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