While I was packing to visit my grandchildren recently, I decided I should pack a small gift for each of them. While I was debating what it should be, I had a thought:

Sitting in the airport during a layover recently, I overheard a woman talking on her phone to a clearly sympathetic friend. She was complaining that she didn’t get to spend as much time as she liked with her grandchildren, even though she lived just fifteen minutes away from them.
 
She must have had a long layover, too, because her conversation went on and on. Grievance after grievance was aired, including:

• “I know she says he’s allergic to eggs, but he just gets a little rash on his belly, so I don’t see the harm in them.”
• “She’s always complaining that I let them stay up too late, but they get so excited at my house that I just can’t get them to go to bed.”
• “She acts like I have no idea how to raise kids! She gives me all these instructions if I’m watching them. I just do things my way when she’s not around.”

 
If I’d been the kind of person who doles out unwanted advice to strangers in person (instead of on the internet!), I could have told her exactly why her daughter limits her access to her grandchildren. Instead I’m telling you, so you can avoid falling into the same trap. If you want your children to welcome your visits, there are three simple steps.
 

1. Ask: Ask them how you can help. Ask what the rules are. Ask what you should do about food, gifts, discipline, bedtime, screen time, tummy time. Ask about the best time to visit. Ask again how you can help. 
2. Listen: Really listen. Make sure you understand. Make notes if you have to. Set an alarm on your phone for bedtime if you have to. Ask for clarification if you need it. Ask again if you’ve forgotten.
3. Respect: You don’t have to agree with them, but you have to follow the rules. They are the parents, and they have the right and responsibility to raise their children the way they see fit.

 
The third one is the hardest of all, because it requires a mind shift from the roles of a lifetime. As a parent, your children had to play by your rules. But as a grandparent, you have to play by theirs. If you can make that shift, your relationship with your children will be a source of fulfillment instead of frustration, and you will be a welcome and valuable part of your grandchildren’s lives.