​Why we want every grandparent to be a Most Valuable Grandparent.

Have you noticed the headline on our homepage: “Become an MVG”? It’s not there just to be catchy or cute. We truly believe that being a valuable grandparent is what we should all strive to be.

Why Valuable?
The intangibles that grandparents offer their grandchildren have a positive effect on the children’s wellbeing. Grandparents are a source of security and stability, and provide unconditional love, wisdom and fun. They provide support, both financial and emotional. Numerous studies have shown that children who feel close to a grandparent have lower rates of depression into adulthood. What’s more, grandparents who feel successful and competent in their role have a reduced chance of depression—and even live longer.

According to one study,  the qualities children see as important in a grandparent are kindness, patience and a sense of fun. In a series of focus groups with children ages 6-10, children expressed that they value time with an adult who is interested enough in them to really listen, and one who is ready and willing to pursue activities that the child enjoys. Children who see their grandparents as uncritical advocates seek them out as confidantes.

Strikingly, none of the children in these groups mentioned grandparents buying them things or paying for expensive treats as something that they appreciated about their grandparents. This is an important thing to remember!

In other studies. as many as 9 out of 10 adults indicate that a grandparent influenced their beliefs and values. What you are teaching is getting through, and it matters!

Defining a Most Valuable Grandparent
The children in this study made it very clear that the most important thing grandparents can do is to be interested in their grandchildren as individuals. They mentioned doing things like cooking together, sharing stories, and playing games. They appreciated grandparents who knew the names of their friends and asked how last weekend’s soccer match went. It’s not the gifts, the outings for ice cream, or the trip to Disneyland. Being there and being interested is the key to a close relationship with your grandchild, and a close relationship is mutually beneficial to your health and well-being.

How to be an MVG
We know that the first step to being able to be there for your grandchildren in a meaningful way is to have a good relationship with their parents. That’s why so much of what we offer here at More Than Grand focuses on supporting them. We developed New Grandparent Essentials to make sure you’d have everything you need to become a valuable part of your grandchild’s life, all in one convenient resource. (You can learn more about it here.) Once you’ve completed New Grandparent Essentials, it’s just a matter of showing up.

Showing up seems harder if your grandchildren live far away, but it just looks different. Our website is full of ideas for connecting from a distance. If you are committed to being a valuable part of your grandchild’s life, there are lots of ways to do it. Check out The Long Distance Grandparent if you have grandchildren ages 2-10.

What else can we do to help you become an MVG? Let us know in the comments.

Grandma Sonia was at the playground with her daughter, watching her grandson navigate the play structure. He was concentrating hard, carefully placing each hand and foot to go up the pretend rock climbing wall. When he made it to the top and turned to beam at his mother and grandmother, Sonia crowed, “Good job!”

“Mom, we don’t say ‛good job’,” said her daughter.

“What the heck?” thought Sonia. But instead of saying that, she asked her daughter to share the reasons behind the philosophy.

Maybe you’ve been in a similar situation—or maybe you haven’t yet, but will someday soon! Many parents are familiar with research which shows that rewarding kids with phrases like “Good job!” can have a negative effect on their self-worth. Alfie Kohn, a researcher and lecturer on human behavior, education, and parenting, lists five reasons that “good job” should be eliminated from adults’ vocabulary. 
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1. It can be manipulative. According to Kohn, saying “Good job!” when a child puts away their books is reinforcing something that makes life easier for us.  “We have a responsibility not to exploit [a child’s] dependence for our own convenience,” Kohn writes.
2. It creates children who crave praise. Mary Budd Rowe, a researcher at the University of Florida, found that children who received more praise were increasingly tentative in their responses. Kohn says praise can lead children to “measure their worth in terms of what will lead us to smile and dole out some more approval.”
3. Stealing their pleasure. With the youngest children, guidance and praise are often appropriate in order to help them learn. However, a constant stream of what Kohn calls “value judgements” can reduce a child’s pleasure in an achievement.  
4. Losing interest.  Research shows that when people are rewarded for doing something, they lose interest in whatever they were doing to get the reward. According to Kohn: “Now the point isn’t to draw, to read, to think, to create – the point is to get the goody, whether it’s an ice cream, a sticker, or a “Good job!”
5. Reducing achievement. According to research, children who are praised for their work on a creative task don’t do as well on the next task, and children who aren’t praised do even better. 

​(See Kohn’s article for a fuller explanation.)
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For many of us, a “Good job” falls off our lips every time our grandchild does anything! Even knowing that it can undermine their development isn’t enough to curb our desire to provide positive feedback.

What to say instead of “Good Job”

If you Google alternatives to saying “good job”, you will stumble upon multiple blog posts and articles. Many of them, however, offer alternatives that are basically the same thing: offering value judgements for a child’s action or achievement. I try to keep my reactions to one of these things:

Offering a comment that is pure commentary. “The blocks are all picked up!” or “We can read a story now that you’ve brushed your teeth” shows that I’ve noticed without offering my own judgement.

Showing gratitude. “Thanks for showing me your picture!” or a simple “Thank you” when a child follows directions reinforces good manners and acknowledges their effort without praising it.

Asking questions. “How did you get those cars cleaned up so fast?” or “Can you tell me more about the house you drew?” helps them reinforce their own effort, rather than offering external validation.

Saying nothing. Instead of praising your grandchild next time they accomplish something, watch their face instead. If they look to you for validation, smile and say nothing. A child who successfully assembled a jigsaw puzzle already knows they did a good job—the completed puzzle proves it.

Maybe it’s okay if grandparents say “Good job!”?
If you spend a lot of time with your grandchildren, it’s important to cooperate with parents on subjects like this. If they would like you to avoid offering excess praise, you’ll want to practice the alternatives. It’s not easy, but it becomes more natural with practice.

If you don’t see your grandchildren often, I’d argue that frequent praise is not only okay, but possibly healthy for your relationship with your grandchild. Studies on the grandparent-grandchild relationship have shown that children will actively seek out advice and support from a grandparent they viewed as an uncritical advocate. Showing enthusiasm for their accomplishments is just one way to let them know you are always on their side.

What do you think? I’d love to hear your experience or opinion in the comments!

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Today's post was written by award-winning educator, author, and speaker Shirley Showalter,  co-author of The Mindful Grandparent, The Art of Loving Our Children's Children.

If I had a magic Fairy Grandmother wand, I would make it possible for every child to start out life in a three-generation arrangement of some kind. And for every grandparent to spend at least a little time as a Grandnanny.
 
What is a grandnanny?

A grandparent who spends time living near or with a child’s family while a grandchild is young. Instead of hiring a nanny, the parents plan with the grandparents to provide part or all of the childcare.
 
Our story
 
My husband Stuart and I have been grandparents for nearly 12 years. We have three grandchildren and were able to be grandnannies to two of the three. Both times we spent ten months, arriving after the maternity/paternity leaves and saying good-bye just as the babies were starting to walk at about 14 months.

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​Six years after our time in Brooklyn with our son’s family, we traveled to Pittsburgh to be with our daughter’s family after the birth of their baby Lydia.

In Brooklyn we lived in a small apartment in a high rise within walking distance of our son’s apartment.
 
In Pittsburgh we moved around from location to location until the third floor of the family home was renovated. We loved our cozy little space with kitchenette, and small dining/living/bedroom area. As Lydia got older, she treated the space like a clubhouse during the day, but we had privacy at night and on weekends.
 
How did we do this? This is where the magic wand came in. We know we were lucky.

Work. Most people can’t take off a year if they are still working fulltime.
We were doing part-time work with flexible hours. I was retired. 

Expenses. We could rent our house in Virginia to students at the local university. This gave us some income to use on adventures in the new location.

Financially, we neither made money or lost money. We had enough to live, including enough for some treats – Broadway shows, museums, concerts, etc. 

Health. Even though we are older grandparents (I was 63 when Owen was born and 69 when Lydia was born), both of us were up to the rigors of strolling, rocking, feeding, diaper changing, cleaning, and cooking.

We fortunately had no illnesses during our stints.

The magical ratio: 2:1
 
Two is better than one when it comes to Grandnannying. We luckily had each other, and both of us wanted to do this. Babies can’t have too many people to love them, and one adult could make it possible for three other adults to work or have respite from childcare.

• In Brooklyn we traded mornings and afternoons, with an hour for both of us to share lunch and baby time together in the middle of the day.
• In Pittsburgh we were less structured, going with the flow. Stuart liked to do errands. I liked to take long strolls.

 
What were the benefits?
 

• The two years we spent as grandnannies are among the greatest joys of our lives. In my co-written book, The Mindful Grandparent: The Art of Loving Our Children’s Children, I describe how we worked with our children to draw up agreements of our goals and expectations, bringing us even closer to them than we were before.
• The “skin time” with the babies went deeper than we can comprehend or express in words. We know that they will feel more loved throughout their lives because of this special year. Even after we have died, they will feel our presences.

What if I can’t be a Grandnanny?
 
If the circumstances aren’t right for the experience of grandnannying, don’t worry. There are still many ways to give yourself deeply, intentionally, and mindfully to the role of grandparent. There is only one chapter in our book on being a grandnanny. There are 51 others on many other ways to be close, have fun, and leave a legacy.

​Shirley Hershey Showalter is an award-winning educator, author, and speaker. With a PhD from the University of Texas at Austin, Showalter served as professor and then president of Goshen College in Indiana and as a foundation executive at the Fetzer Institute in Michigan. She and her husband live in Lititz, PA.
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Website: shirleyshowalter.com where many posts refer to the grandnanny, or grannynanny, experience.

For more: Shirley blogged about her year in Brooklyn on a platform called Posterous, which is no longer in business. Those posts were transferred to a Tumblr account. 

I saw a meme one day that I immediately forwarded to my unmarried daughters:
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“Before you marry someone, find out if their family starts out holidays with mimosas or 5Ks.”

Clearly, this isn’t the most important thing to look for in a life partner, but it speaks to something that is sometimes overlooked as we navigate becoming a grandparent: family culture.

Every family has its own culture, its own customs and values. When our adult children choose partners, even if they are marrying the boy next door, they are stepping in to a new culture.

Sometimes this culture is vastly and noticeably different, such as when my blond, protestant cousin married a woman of Indian descent. Just the moving marriage ceremony, with its emphasis on the joining of families, showed that he was entering a new culture.

But even when your child chooses a partner who isn’t from another race, country or religious background, they will have to navigate cultural differences.

Their partner may have different team loyalties, different holiday traditions, different ways of making French toast. They may place a higher or lower value on making the bed, filling the gas tank before it’s near empty, or Emily Post’s table manners.

There will be a constant dance as these partners work out compromises and form new traditions to incorporate what is most important to each of them and create a new family culture.

What does this mean for us as grandparents?

It means that we must always remember there is more than one right way to do anything. We must always remember that what is vitally important to us may not be to the mother or father of our grandchild—even if they are our own children. Our grandchildren are being raised in a family with its own new culture, one that is being established as the family grows. As grandparents, our role is to embrace this new culture and celebrate it!

Respecting cultural differences

It’s one thing to welcome a Yankees fan into a loyal Mets family. You know the exact dates and times when you will be faced with potential conflict, and can figure out ways to bridge the gap. But when entire cultures are different, grandparents may be faced with a slew of issues they didn’t expect. Some of these include:

• What if your grandchild has an ethnic name that you find difficult to pronounce?
• What about cultural norms around food that you may not be familiar with?
• What if there are practices that you object to, like circumcision or piercing the ears of babies?
• Should you learn to speak in your grandchild’s language if they’re going to be raised with two or more languages?
• How can you learn more about your grandchild’s culture without seeming ignorant or causing offense?

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Each of these situations can be worked out with a willingness to be open, curious and respectful.  

If your grandchild’s name is hard to pronounce, don’t be tempted to make up a nickname that’s easier to say. Practice their given name until you can say it correctly.

If your grandchild is being raised in a kosher household, don’t assume you know what that means. Educate yourself by asking questions and doing research.

If you don’t agree with piercing a baby’s ears, find out more about why your grandchild’s parents feel it’s important. In the article What White Families Don’t Understand About Piercing a Baby’s Ears, Latinx author Priscilla Blossom says “Considering the times we’re living in, when a lot of our cultural traditions are being whitewashed, appropriated, and belittled by the white majority, it can often feel important to maintain some of our people’s old ways.” Look for similar articles on unfamiliar practices in your own family.

Should you learn to speak another language to support your grandchild’s cultural heritage? That depends on many factors, including whether the other grandparents speak English (it’s nice to be able to at least exchange pleasantries when you meet), how much time you’ll be spending with your grandchild (the more time, the more important it would be to know at least a few words), and whether learning languages is something you enjoy.

To learn more about your son- or daughter-in-law’s culture, read! Read novels by authors from their culture, histories of their people or country, and (if pertinent) travel books. When there is something that is foreign to you, ask questions to understand it better. Make it clear you want to understand their perspective by being open and non-judgmental. The line, “I’m embarrassed to admit I don’t know much/anything about X” is a great way to start a question about an unfamiliar practice.

No matter what the situation is, keep in mind that your grandchild is being raised in the culture her family is forming. It is bound to be different from your family’s, whether your son or daughter’s partner is from across the world or across the street. Our job as grandparents is to respect their choices and support them in any way we can. The payoff for us is a closer, more meaningful relationship with our grandchildren.

You may also like:

• New Parents Need Space
• How to Start a Family Tradition and Share Your Values
• Why are Family Rituals Important?

When my first two children were born, the advice was to put them to sleep on their stomachs. By the time the second two were born, the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) had launched their “Back to Sleep” campaign. This campaign, debuting in 1994, cut sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS) rates in half. Sadly, over 3400 babies under the age of one still die without explanation. Some experts believe the number officially attributed to SIDS is an underestimate.

Whatever the actual number is, this is an undisputable fact: Every baby lost to SIDS is a tragedy.

October is SIDS awareness month, and grandparents can help prevent a tragedy in their own family in two ways: getting educated and helping to educate others. ​

The AAP currently recommends that infants sleep in their parents’ room. They should be in a crib or bassinet that is close to the parents’ bed for at least the first 6 months, and ideally a year. Breastfeeding mothers can co-sleep if they follow important safety guidelines.
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If your grandchild is sleeping at your house, they shouldn’t sleep in your bed, with or without you. Our own beds, with their pillows, blankets, and soft, side-less mattresses are never a safe place for baby to sleep. Nor should they fall asleep on us, no matter how cute it is to see Grandpa and Junior napping together in the recliner. Our couches and chairs are not designed to keep a baby safe, and they don’t.

In 2022, the Consumer Product Safety Commission banned many products previously marketed as sleep solutions for infants. These include inclined sleepers, in-bed sleepers, baby boxes, sleep hammocks and small bassinets without a stand, such as the ones that fit on top of a portable crib. These types of products have been responsible for dozens of infant deaths, and are still being passed along by neighbors, sold in resale shops, and found at garage sales. Make sure you do not use or pass along of these products. Check the CPSC website for more information.

Your grandbaby’s environment should be smoke and vape free. 

There are dozens of board books for every subject and occasion, but many of them are created with little regard to whether they have any value to the reader. Good board books for babies and toddlers engage them with captivating images and rhythmic language. Quality books for the youngest readers expand their horizons with new concepts and rich vocabulary. Publishers know grandparents will buy board books with familiar characters, so they churn out a Clifford or Pete the Cat book for every holiday, expecting (and getting) sales without having to provide a quality book for babies and toddlers.
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It can be hard to sort through the mass of titles to find the few which stand out as Really Good Books. So we’ve done it for you! Here are six Halloween board books for babies and toddlers that will help your grandbaby learn, while providing a pleasant experience for the reader.

Eek! Halloween!
By Sandra Boynton 
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Sandra Boynton rarely disappoints, and Eek! Halloween! is not an exception. The bouncy rhythm of the text, the simple, animated drawings, and the silly story all add up to a delightful book for both reader and child. Your grandchild will love it.

​Order now from Amazon.

Baby Touch and Feel: Halloween (DK) 

Touch and feel books are always a hit! Simple images introduce Halloween elements with vocabulary building words and appealing textures. The soft fur of a black cat and the sticky goo in a cauldron are sure to captivate the youngest readers.

Order now from Amazon.

Five Little Pumpkins 
Illustrated by Lucy Barnard
 
This colorful retelling of a favorite preschool poem is a perfect one to share with your toddler grandchild. Lucy Barnard’s illustrations are cheerful and full of movement, and the well-made book will stand up to repeated readings.

Order now from Amazon.

Babies Love Halloween: A Lift-a-Flap Board Book for Babies and Toddlers
By Scarlett Wing 
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The chunky pages of the lift-a-flap books by Cottage Door Press are designed to hold up to the most enthusiastic of flap-lifters. This volume, dedicated to the fall holiday, is a fun way to introduce your grandbaby to the sights and sounds of the Halloween season.

Order now from Amazon.

Duck & Goose Find a Pumpkin
By Tad Hills 

Fans of Duck & Goose, a pair of friends who enjoy simple adventures together, will love this fall escapade. The back-and-forth dialog will encourage little ones to chime in with a “No!” as the pair search high and low for a pumpkin.
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Order now from Amazon.

Spooky Pookie
by Sandra Boynton 
Perfect for any child who will be dressing up for the first time. Pookie needs to choose a Halloween costume, and goes through several options before deciding what to wear.

Order now from Amazon.

What’s the secret to being a better grandparent? Is it respecting boundaries? (Key, but no secret.) Listening to your grandchildren and their parents? (Also vital, but also no secret.) Getting down on the floor and playing with the grandkids? Showing interest in their lives? Supporting parents?

These are all indications of a good grandparent, but none are the secret to becoming a better grandparent.

To become a better grandparent, you have to know what your superpower is.
Before you roll your eyes and decide to stop reading, let me explain!

Did you know the eye has a literal blind spot? It doesn’t hamper our vision because the brain fills in the spot by referencing what is around it. This has always fascinated me, but what does that have to do with superpowers and becoming a better grandparent?

Actually, a lot.

We have the same sort of blind spots in our behaviors. We might not ever notice how something we do negatively affects other people, because our brain adjusts our perception to hide any imperfections. Likewise, we might not see our own strengths because we are focused on the stuff around them, leaving our powers unilluminated in the blind spot.

Knowing our strengths and weaknesses is especially important when it comes to the relationships we value most. And when it comes to being a better grandparent, our strengths can be superpowers. We all have those secret superpowers, even if we can’t recognize them because of the blind spot effect.

When we do recognize our strengths, we may not think of them as either secret or powerful. Sometimes we need help understanding how to channel our powers so they are a force for good. For example, we might know instinctively that we are empathetic. But we may not know how valuable a trait that is, or how it can sometimes get in the way!

For grandparents, our superpowers can make the difference in how well we maintain loving relationships and navigate boundaries. Without those two things, we can’t create the lifetime of memories we hope to have with our grandchildren.

Being a better grandparent comes down to this: tapping into your personal grandparent superpower and learning how to use it effectively. So how do you know what that power is and understand how to make it work for you, not against you? I’m so glad you asked!

We’ve created a fun little quiz to help you figure out what your superpower is! If you take it, your results will share valuable insight into how your superpower can make the difference between being a good grandparent and being a better one.

Want to find out how to be a better grandparent? Take the quiz now!
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I admit it: I hadn’t heard of grandmother showers until I started More Than Grand. Since then, I’ve seen two distinct, conflicting opinions on the trend. If the concept is new to you, take a few minutes to read this post, then share your opinion. If you are looking for ideas for planning a grandmother shower (also called a “grandbaby shower” or “grandma shower”), please read on for some ways to celebrate this special time!
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Opinion one: Grandmother showers are a lovely way to welcome a friend or coworker into the Grandparent Club.  

Becoming a grandparent is an occasion worth celebrating! When your friends or coworkers know that you’ve waited a long time for this stage of life, it’s natural for them to want to mark it with a special party. If you’ll be babysitting your grandchild, a grandma shower is a lovely way to make sure you have the things you’ll need as a caregiver.

Opinion two: Grandmother showers are tacky and inappropriate.

Etiquette experts have called them gift grabs and expectant mothers frequently express their discontent with the way grandmother showers are staged. Shining a spotlight on the grandmother shows a lack of respect for the parents-to-be.

So which is it? Are grandma showers inappropriate gift grabs or thoughtful celebrations of a special time? The answer, as in most things, lies in the details. In this case, not just the details of the celebration itself, but the details in how it is planned.

Here are some guidelines on grandmother shower etiquette that will help move the needle from inappropriate to thoughtful.

Always consult the mother-to-be.
While becoming a grandmother is exciting, becoming a mother for the first time is far more momentous. Before plans get underway, the mother-to-be should be asked how she feels about the idea, especially if gifts are to be given. If there is no baby shower planned for the prospective parents, a grandmother shower is likely to cause hurt feelings. If whomever is planning the grandma shower doesn’t know the mom-to-be, it’s up to grandma to check in with the expectant mother. If the mother-to-be has any hesitations, grandma needs to respect mom’s feelings and let her friends know they’ll have to celebrate another way.

The question of gifts.
Traditionally, a shower is meant to help provide the items a young couple can’t afford. It’s harder to justify showering gifts on a grandmother, who is likely able to afford the things she needs in her new role. Unless she will be caring for the baby in her home while parents work, there is little a grandmother requires that the parents won’t be bringing with the baby when they visit. If she will be providing regular child care and has limited financial means, a group of generous friends can help outfit her with the things she’ll need.

Keep in mind, though, that if gifts are meant for when baby is at grandmother’s house, first make sure parents have all the necessities.

If a grandmother shower is meant to gather gifts for new parents, make sure they are comfortable with receiving them. One expectant mother was appalled that people she didn’t even know were expected to give her gifts.

Better yet, have a celebration that doesn’t include gift giving, or limit gifts to books for a library at grandma’s house.

Keep it simple.
A grandmother shower shouldn’t be modeled on a traditional baby shower, but should be a relaxed affair. Limit the guest list to the grandma-to-be’s closest friends. Meeting for happy hour at a favorite restaurant, gathering for a morning at the beach, or getting together for afternoon tea are all ways to have a low-key celebration. In the case of office parties, a lunch time event with cake is a festive way to make the occasion.

Share wisdom instead of gifts.
A celebration of a first grandchild is the ideal time to share grandmother wisdom. Ask each guest to write down their advice about being a grandmother. Present the grandma-to-be with a book or two about grandparenting (see our favorites here). Make a list of grandparenting resources like More Than Grand and The Grand Life podcast. Gift a copy of New Grandparent Essentials!

To put it simply, grandmother baby shower etiquette comes down to respecting that the parents-to-be should be the center of attention. If you use that as your guide, you’ll be able to joyfully welcome the new grandmother to the Grandparent Club.

What do you think? Are grandma showers a thing your circle? Share your thoughts in the comments!

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